Fifty Shades of Grey's onscreen adaption is rapidly approaching, but even the most dedicated Christian Grey fanatics would probably not want see the things below edging in and killing the erotica.
6. Creepy Quotes
[Fifty Shades of Grey](movie:391697) is obviously all about kinky, consensual S&M play and audiences are eager to see some rosy spanked buttocks, but sometimes the writing in the book makes these acts seem borderline abusive.
While fans want to see Ana's buttocks receiving the sweet sting of Christian's palm, they probably don't want to see our protagonist writing emails with titles like "Assault and Battery: The After-Effects."
Equally uncomfortable utterances such as Ana lying to her friends that she "fell over and landed on my behind" in a way that is reminiscent of terrified battered women should also be totally banished from the silver screen.
There isn't much eroticism in lines like, "This is not a man I want to cross…ever" and quotes like this paint S&M culture in an unnecessarily negative way.
5. Frantic Fellatio
Some things work better in text than on screen and this infamous blow job scene is almost certainly one of them!
Anastasia, I'm going to come in your mouth," his breathy tone is warning. "If you don't want me to, stop now." He flexes his hips again, his eyes are wide, wary, and filled with salacious need—need for me. Need for my mouth… oh my.
Holy crap. His hands are really gripping my hair. I can do this. I push even harder and, in a moment of extraordinary confidence, I bare my teeth. It tips him over the edge.
Due to censorship laws this scene will be impossible to film without a cliche montage of gurning orgasm faces and hands on the back of a frantically bobbing head.
Sam Taylor Wood is an artistic director, but I'm not sure if even she could pull this one off!
4. Ana's Inner Goddess Doing Any Sort Of Dancing
Or, Ana's irritating inner goddess full stop. These embarrassing quotes would be a full on face-in-hands cringe festival if you had to watch an actual human trying to say them sincerely.
Just to give you a reminder of the sort of shit that zany inner goddess gets up to, here are a few of my favorites:
- "My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils"
- "My inner goddess is doing the Merengue with some salsa moves"
- "My inner goddess jumps up and down with cheer-leading pom-poms shouting yes at me"
- "My inner goddess sits in the lotus position looking serene except for the sly, self-congratulatory smile on her face"
I wouldn't look that self-congratulatory, you smug little inner goddess. Nobody I have ever met has ever liked you. Soz.
3. Clumsy Copulation
I know that Christian Grey is an S&M fanatic who is totally controlled by his pervy penis, but I think they should probably rewrite the scene where Ana loses her virginity to the studly dom.
Every time I read the passage below about Mr. Grey violently "slamming" into his inexperienced lover I wince.
I’m going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,” he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. “Hard,” he whispers, and he slams into me.
A collective leg crossing probably isn't what this movie needs when it comes to the seminal character's first sexual encounter, so Christian should probably move a little slower at first.
2. Christian's 'Considerable Length'
Okay, let me rephrase this one. Everyone wants to see Christian Grey's considerable length, but that is 100 percent out of the question.
Some of the sexiest scenes in the book have the potential to become a weird patchwork pantomime of shocked faces and panties flying through the air, so they will probably have to be rewritten.
Take the quote below for example:
Suddenly, he sits up and tugs my panties off and throws them on the floor. Pulling off his boxer briefs, his erection springs free. Holy cow!…He kneels up and pulls a condom onto his considerable length. Oh no…Will it? How?
Can you imagine how you would film that without seeing any genitals? I sure I can't, but hopefully Taylor-Wood has some tricks up her sleeve...
1. Tampon Tossing
The following quote has no place anywhere. Ever.
He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string… what! And gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet. Holy f–k. Sweet mother of all… Jeez.
Period sex? No problem! Someone gently easing a bloodied tampon out and lobbing it in the shitter? Let this octopus speak for me.
Which Fifty Shades feature do you think the silver screen could really do without?