It's important to recognize the signs, friends.
1. You pick up a hitchhiker
Hitchhikers are rarely going to make your day better. Don't pick her up. Don't pick him up. Don't pick them up. They will either murder you and your friends or they will blow their own brains out all over your hippie stoner van. Either way, it leaves you with a frown on your face and a mess to clean up. Ain't nobody got time for that.
2. Look around you. Are there hill people?
If there are hill people, you should get the hell out of dodge. Hill people are 100% bad news. 100% of the time, they will either fry you up and eat you or make a lampshade out of your thighs. A few ways to recognize hill people are as follows:
- They have some seriously gnarly dental situations happening
- Their names are Henrietta or Jedediah
- They have rotting meat surrounding them at all time
- They offer you hill people tea instead of calling the police
3. Every building in a 20 mile radius looks like it may be the portal to hell
When you can smell a building before you see it, it's probably a good idea to keep walking right on by. For you, the unassuming victim, there is rarely anything charming or quaint about a den of horrors. To be safe, assume that your crazy ex or Ebola is in all of those buildings. All of them contain your crazy ex or Ebola. All of them.
4. You ignored my warnings about the hill people and one of them offers to call the sheriff
What did I just say about hill people? If an aging alcoholic with missing teeth that refers to himself as "the sheriff" shows up in place of an actual police force, you are probably going to lose your face. It's like science.
5. A big guy with a chainsaw bursts through a door at you
It's safe to say that you will most likely lose your face in this situation. If a door frame isn't capable of holding the guy wielding the chainsaw, then it's really not a stretch to say that you can't feasibly win this fight. Enjoy this adventure because it will end shortly.
6. Your boyfriend's face ends up on someone else's face
I mean, this is pretty much the precursor to Leatherface wearing your face. I guess you could run away, but you will probably trip and fall over an inconvenient root sticking out of the ground anyways.