BySam Mg, writer at
As Wichita falls so falls Wichita Falls
Sam Mg

Let me preface this by saying my wife and I got married to this soundtrack, we made our vows out of one of the songs, and I own the original book (even if it is well-read and falling apart) so the thoughts I post on here while I watch the movie are from someone who is deeply and thoroughly in love with Erik's (the phantom's) story:

Just realized we totally put our trust on this movie in the man who put nips on the batsuit

I want a tophat like old man Patrik Willson's

Still want that f**king tophat

Oh my god. An old man in a wheelchair is trying to seduce a toy monkey

Where the hell is the wind coming from when they "unleash" lot 666?

There be nipples on them statues. Garrg

Nevermind. Tophats look stupid.

That white dust in the intro to the opera. Cocaine.

La Corlotta opens her mouth for, like, three seconds and I want to tear out her larynx



WTF is up with Czarian Hines hair, man?


This movie should have more midgets.

Whatever version of Hannibal the opera house is preparing for has to be butt-f**king crazy. No offence to Joel Schumaker

Minnie Driver, just... just no.

To be fair, Minnie, your hat does look f**king ridiculous

Just cant get enough of that midget

Gibbs wasn't at his post. Gibbs was drinking. Gibbs is an alcoholic.

There is a man. In the background. With golden nipples. GOLDEN NIPPLES.

When Christine begins to sing, the acid obviously kicks in for the new managers. There eyes bug the f**k out

Dude, Rauel. Get less hot. You're making the rest of us look bad.

I see opium. Or... at least a cigarette.

She's so f**ked up the wall dissipates

Christine, you know he's there because he lives in the sewers. Without bathwater.

I'd be scared to be Gibb's wife. All that booze and rope. Kinky sh*t man.

Bitch is hearing voices, Rauel. Don't do it. Bitches be crazy.

The phantom has superpowers. He can blow out all the candles in the entire building at once

Oop. She called him "Master" you know whats up.

That smoke, when shes going into the mirror, massive amount of weed.

Whats with the clap in the song? WHY DO YOU CLAP STRANGE DEMON OF REMIXES?

If you're one of the people who think Gerard Butler can't act... well... he cant sing either.

... waterproof flame. cool.

Lighting all of those candles must have been a pain in the ass

By music of the night does he mean Techno?

Holy crap he hit a high note.

Oooooh now I get it. "Open up your mind" he's pushing LSD.

Stop looking at this weird guy in a mask with f**king bambi eyes. And stop letting him touch you. RUN YOU MORON

"look at my cave. Isn't it cool?" "No, its small and it smells like poop" "... does this smell like chloroform?"

Don't ask what The Phantoms doing while he's watching Christine sleep.

Dear blonde friend, fall and die.

Where's the midget? This should just be all about the midget. *gasp* or an all midget cast!

These are the best candles money can buy. They never melt.

I know its supposed to be scary, but when she first pulls off his mask his hair moves... hilariously.

Nevermind. Tophats are cool.

I wanna see the note to the janitorial staff


... the bass made me fart. Not proud of it, but i kinda am.

Someone strangle Minnie Driver's f**king poodle.

I want to meet the hair and makeup person on this film. And their drug dealer.

Hee hee. Rauel has bouncy hair.

Blonde friend. Again. I tell you. Die.

I want to see a scene where the ballerina dancers just take turns dance-slapping the primadonna

OOoooooooh Gibbs gon get it.


The Phantom is the world's first stalker. He'd totally have photo shopped pictures of him and Christine on his facebook.

Ok. I admit it. When The Phantom interrupts the opera I got wood.

No Gibbs. Dont follow the creepy guy down his creepy hole. Thats how Joel Schumaker's boyfriend got roped in

Theres going to be sheep f**king in this opera isnt there?


When the Phantom is chasing down the stagehand (Gibbs) it totally looks like a Scooby-Doo chase

"I just killed someone. Gotta look cool. CAPE-Y FLIP, ACTIVATE!"

When she's describing The Phantom's cave, she could be talking about any lonley nerd's room

... And then Rauel slips and falls off the roof.


Is that snow or tiny bits of broken glass? Coz broken glass would be funny.

Why is it that when the Phantom goes all crazy-evil-murder guy is when i get my nerdboner?

Andre is a cock. Hee-hee.

Holy crap, someone is cosplaying as old school two face in the masquerade

I SEE BATMAN!!!!!!!!!!!

You know, guys. Usually talking about how peaceful sh*t is is asking for trouble, right?

That dude still has golden nipples.

A masquerade is an excuse to look silly and get drunk

The Phantom's Masque of Red Death costume is... well, i'd totally shank him in the butt and steal it.

Never mind blonde friend, I can see why you deserve to exist now. You have beautiful chesticles, I mean... hair

Why do the circus guy want to lick money? Apparently he and Donald Trump share a fetish.

That angel in the graveyard is totally wanting to grope Christine.

Its snowing. In winter. WHERE THE F**K IS THE FOG COMING FROM?!? WHY IS IT PULSATING??!?!?!?

I feel like Christine should, like, trip over a grieving Bruce Wayne. Then beat him mercilessly for putting a codpiece on his badass bulletproof suit. With a random stick. For an hour.

The Phantom sucks at crossing swords (*.*)

Dont listen to her, Rauel if horror movies have taught us anything it's to STAB HIM IN THE FACE. REPEATEDLY.

That angel. In the memorial room with the candles. Yeah. Its totally masturbating a cross, dude. Not groovy, Joel.

I keep waiting for Rauel to just slap Christine. "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!"

Erik, The joke wore thin as soon as I saw Jim Carey in green spandex. RETIRE, JOEL SCHUMAKER!!!!!!!

OOp. Bass made me fart again.

Why isnt the midget talking? I DEMAND MORE MIDGET


How did no one notice that the main character in Don Juan Triumphant went from a kinda short fat middle aged guy to a tall, skinny, crazy guy? Let that be a lesson to you ladies. I don't know the lesson, but I'm sure there's something there.

There be a salty seaman in that scene. Aaarg.

OH MY GOD HIS FACE IS SO... um... well... its something. Just not... um... yeah.


"Black despair." Raciest.

"Why? Because f**k you that's why, you giant masked douchebag"

Eeeeeeeeew that water Rauel dropped in is green. And slimy. And most likely has poop in it. Paris sewers. WHY OPEN YOUR MOUTH YOU DISGUSTING SOB?!?!? I think Rauel has a poop fetish.

"Nope. Actually my lust for blood is mostly menopausal"

See, dude, you're not giving her much incentive to NOT rip out her eyeballs.

Sometimes when he's singing, it sounds like Gerard Butler is burping

I would not be able to resist poking the phantom's face. Repeatedly.

As hes telling Christine and Rauel to leave, it sounds like hes trying not to tell them to "JUST GET THE F**K OUT" like, he has to be poetic about it. I want to see him handle telling a hooker to get out.

Yes. Smash the mirrors. Because that will fix what you did. Bravo.

You just know the Phantom's breath smelled like ass and wine

God I need a tophat.

HOLY SHIT THE PHANTOM'S ALIVE?!?!?!?!?!?!? I smell a sitcom. The Phantom and Rauel in the same nursing home. Oh, the shenanigans.

So I know I misspelled some names. But I was writing this as I was watching the movie (no chance to check IMDB without f**king up my system) but in terms of cinematography, it seems mostly well shot except for those few shots that were obviously supposed to show off the set. Camera movement was surprisingly well done. All in all it is a decent piece of entertainment, even if it f**ks up the story a little. (the phantom dies in a fire. Gaston mentions seeing the bones beneath the pairs opera house.) So until next time, adeu.


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