ByJess Goodwin, writer at Creators.co
social media coordinator at Nickelodeon's '90s Nostalgia brand NickSplat :: on Twitter @thejessgoodwin
Jess Goodwin

I didn't have high expectations going into The Loft, Erik Van Looy's remake of a Dutch-Belgian thriller from 2008, and yet they still remained unmet. Apart from the genuinely surprising twist, there is nothing to like about the film.

The five main male characters in The Loft are beyond unlikable. Comprised of womanizers and cheaters, the group decides to share a loft, so they have a place to discreetly hook up with women who aren't their wives.

And the wives? The most unique thing about any of them is that one is diabetic. Each is either the typical ball-buster, a pseudo-"cool girl," or too meek to call her husband out for being an ass.

The level of unpleasantness changes from man to man, and even the two who aren't supposed to be "that bad" are terrible in their own special ways.

Take Chris (James Marsden) — like nearly all his pals, he cheats on his wife, but it's okay, because he's in love with his mistress and is going to leave his old ball and chain for her. Plus, he tried really really hard to not give in to temptation, and that counts for something, right?

But wait, there's more! He later tries to pay off a prostitute his brother Philip (Matthias Schoenaerts) rapes, telling her she can't go to the police — moments after screaming at baby bro that "you don't treat women like that, ever!"

Speaking of Philip, he doesn't consider what he did rape because "you can't rape a whore." Charming.

In addition to Chris and Philip, we have Vince (Karl Urban), who devises the loft-sharing plan and sleeps with like 80 women, including his friends' wives and sisters; Marty (Eric Stonestreet), who regularly gets wasted and forgets the damning things he does and says while intoxicated; and Luke (Wentworth Miller), who at first seems to be the least appalling of the men but later reveals his true colors as both a creep and a murderer.

By the end of the film, each man gets his comeuppance in one way or another. Chris, however, never does pay for what he did to the woman his brother raped — or rather, what he didn't do for her. The only crime he's punished for is cheating on his wife, by way of divorce, but he was apparently ready to leave her anyway. That woman (known only as "Prostitute" in the credits) never receives any kind of closure for what happened to her.

I get it — Chris doesn't want Philip to go to prison. It's really great that he's so loyal to his family, but that's clearly not his only motivation. He wants to protect himself as well. If the loft becomes part of a criminal investigation, it's only a matter of time before everyone's wives find out what's been going on. Why worry about one little prostitute when the already broken marriages of five men are already on the line?

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