This is the Valentine’s Day movie you HAVEN’T seen!!! Ok, if you are an enthusiastic horror fan like me, you have probably seen this one. When most people like of a V-Day horror movie, they think of My Bloody Valentine (original and remake). I think Valentine is a more fitting film for the holiday and just better overall. Valentine is based upon a novel by Tom Savage. I’ve read the book and thoroughly enjoyed it since it reminded me of a grownup R. L. Stine novel. The movie version has very little to do with this original story besides the title and the stalker angle. Regardless, this movie makes me happy and reminds me of my younger years when my sister and I would watch certain horror movies over and over again – Valentine being one of them. It follows in the footsteps of Halloween, Scream, and I Know What You Did Last Summer. It’s just too bad it never got the recognition it deserves. So let’s bring this one back to life!
Valentine follows the classic slasher formula. According to every other slasher film ever made, you need to open with something provocative to grab the audience’s attention; the best way to do that is with a gruesome murder scene, of course! A gaggle of attractive women reunite after the grisly death. They were all middle school friends who have grown apart over the years and are now sexy, in their mid-twenties, and obviously still the “cool girls”. They all start receiving threatening Valentine’s Day cards and now fear a similar demise. Roses are red, violets are blue, they’ll need dental records to identify you! In fitting slasher fashion, the killer stalks the women in a cupid’s mask with a big butcher knife.
All the characters are superficial and interchangeable – hot girls who make bad decisions and bad guys who are only looking for one thing. Kate (Marley Shelton) is the pretty, girl next door in an on-again, off-again relationship with a handsome alcoholic. Paige (Denise Richards) is the sex-bomb flirt that can’t keep the men away from her. Lily (Jessica Cauffiel) is the forgettable, fun-loving, ditz. And Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw) is the has-been fat girl with confidence issues. Oh, and there is even an appearance by Catherine Heigl before she was famous. Who cares that the characters are frivolous and predicable when you have slasher gold? That’s part of the formula, isn’t it?
These ladies all “get around” to varying degrees so any of their many suitors are good suspects. Though the killer’s reveal is only slightly surprising, it is still entertaining along the way. Valentine isn’t overly gory but there are some original death scenes like death by hot tub… in a bikini, naturally. The movie actually does a pretty good job of tension building between the death scenes instead of everyone just running around for their lives, at least until the end with a culmination of events at an epic Valentine’s Day party. Take it for what it is: a quintessential slasher film with “killer” kills, a mystery stalker, and a hit list of hot babes. Give yourself the gift of gore this season and watch Valentine.
Movie Reviews for the Sublimely Weird