The Berlin Film Festival's decadent IMAX preview of Sam Taylor Johnson's [Fifty Shades of Grey](movie:391697) has just drawn to a close. Our sheets have been not been ruffled, there's very little sweat on our brows. We won't be reaching for that post-coital ciggy any time soon, so here's 14 unsexy moments to calm us all down.
When Christian goes hardware shopping
Anastasia works in a hardware store + Hardware shops sell rope and tape = awkward unsexy innuendo.
When he dons his playroom attire.
Designer pre-ripped jeans. Wild.
Every time Anastasia bites her lip
It's because she's vulnerable. Get it?
When Christian keeps playing the piano at the top of his skyscraper
Why do you only play sad songs?...
When he suddenly shows up with a helicopter
And when they take out the glider
What a swell time...
This whole scene
Contract negotiations. Behave...
When every song on the soundtrack is used in the most literal sense
Every time you think about how kinky Hollywood has been before
When Jamie Dornan says these lines
I enjoy various physical pursuits.
I don't make love, I fuck hard.
I would like to fuck you into the middle of next week
No Ana, you can't love me. Cause I'm 50 shades of fucked up
And finally, when the sequel ties In (ahem)...
...and you realised you've just watched a trailer for two hours.