ByRory O'Connor, writer at
Breathing movies. Humbly writing about them.
Rory O'Connor

The Berlin Film Festival's decadent IMAX preview of Sam Taylor Johnson's [Fifty Shades of Grey](movie:391697) has just drawn to a close. Our sheets have been not been ruffled, there's very little sweat on our brows. We won't be reaching for that post-coital ciggy any time soon, so here's 14 unsexy moments to calm us all down.

When Christian goes hardware shopping

Anastasia works in a hardware store + Hardware shops sell rope and tape = awkward unsexy innuendo.

When he dons his playroom attire.

Designer pre-ripped jeans. Wild.

Every time Anastasia bites her lip

It's because she's vulnerable. Get it?

When Christian keeps playing the piano at the top of his skyscraper

Why do you only play sad songs?...

When he suddenly shows up with a helicopter

And when they take out the glider

What a swell time...

This whole scene

Contract negotiations. Behave...

When every song on the soundtrack is used in the most literal sense

So subtle.

Every time you think about how kinky Hollywood has been before

When Jamie Dornan says these lines


I enjoy various physical pursuits.


I don't make love, I fuck hard.


I would like to fuck you into the middle of next week


No Ana, you can't love me. Cause I'm 50 shades of fucked up

And finally, when the sequel ties In (ahem)...

...and you realised you've just watched a trailer for two hours.



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