ByTommy DePaoli, writer at
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Tommy DePaoli

Throughout the East Coast, this has been a landmark year in terms of oppressive snowfall. It seems like every four days there's another monster storm heading toward hapless homeowners, just waiting it out until

As a California resident, I don't have to deal with any of this. However, I have noticed a rampant uptick in images of horrifying snowman posted online. The surge in bloody, villainous snowpeople has naturally resulted in at least 3 people slipping on the ice and falling and no less than one neighborhood raccoon finding its way into the gaping mouth of Jack Frost.

As I feel it is my duty as a public servant, here are the 10 worst qualities I discovered about scary snowmen.

1. They're bloodthirsty carnivores

Davey Crockett lost his hat because this guy wanted a snack.

2. They bleed red


3. They have no sense of style

Green, blue, pink, and yellow in the wintertime? With needlessly garish carrot accessories? I know the girl in the back probably dressed you, but this is some scary shit.

4. They antagonize innocent bystanders.

Luckily, this woman has that New England spirit I remember so well. She immediately puts 'em up and then flips the bird. Watching this on loop makes me feel like I'm home again.

5. They're breeding

And you thought human overpopulation was a problem. Snowmen don't give a damn about our rapidly depleting food and energy sources. Why do you think they form their identity around carrots and coal?

6. They're vigilant

Have you checked your porch for intruders lately?

7. They suffer from painful existentialist crises

If you're the type of person who is more afraid of the crippling loneliness you will face when the unbearable lightness of being takes over, then don't worry! There IS still a scary snowman for you.

He could have been anything, but he became an introspective loner with daddy issues. Just like the rest of us.

8. They have no sense of community

They turn on each other without any regard for their snow-manity.

9. They transform their offspring into monsters

Would you want to meet these darlings on dark, blustery night? Of course you wouldn't because you would lose a limb.

10. They're starving

They've only got a few more months tops to consume all the children they can before spring comes. Where will you be when snowmen strike?

As someone who lives in Southern California, I'm lucky enough to avoid this plague of snow beasts running rampant throughout the Northeast and elsewhere. However, I can help cleanse your palette of this grim reality with a bit of justice coming a scary snowman's way. If you like laughing, warm hugs, and little girls falling down, check out this video.

Now that you're feeling like you can take on any of these cold monsters, which scary snowman is your favorite?


Are you enjoying this snow-filled winter?


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