Some of us hate Valentine's Day. That slushy, soppy crap gets old real quick, doesn't it? So here are 10 anti-Valentine's Day movies guaranteed to kill romanticism stone dead.
10. Super Size Me (2004)
A guy with a porno beard relentlessly skyrocketing his cholesterol by stuffing his face with fries? Yup. That's what I'm watching on Valentine's Day.
Anti-Valentine's because... saturated fat is not an aphrodisiac.
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9. Birth of a Nation (1915)
Hey, romantic types! How about a 3-hour, black and white silent movie glorifying the origins of the Ku Klux Klan? No? OK, I didn't think so.
Anti-Valentine's because... it's a 3-hour, black and white silent movie about the KKK.
8. Uzumaki (2000)
This Japanese trip-horror offering is so intensely confusing, you'll probably want to breathe slowly in and out of a paper bag for a couple of hours.
Anti-Valentine's because... it'll give you a panic attack.
7. Salo (1975)
By reducing all human interaction to a dogged procession of bestial rutting and unflinching sadism, Pasolini's triumphant Pornogeddon will suck every dreg of romanticism out of you.
Anti-Valentine's because... it'll make you sorrowful for humanity.
6. Van Wilder: Party Liaison (2002)
Not least because your date will judge you, Valentine's should steer clear of Van Wilder, because no romantic date ever started with watching some idiots eat donuts full of man-ooze.
Anti-Valentine's because... being childish about bodily functions is not hot. But it is funny.
5. Requiem For a Dream (2000)
Drug abuse, desperation, mental illness, perversion... Besides, it's so depressing you'll need to lie in a dark room. Three words: ass to ass.
Anti-Valentine's because... that is some dark sided shit.
4. 9 Songs (2004)
A tantalizing little bit of sex is sexy; that little frisson is vital for romantic types. The merciless barrage of unsimulated sex in 9 Songs, however, will just leave anyone watching with a date feeling awkward and a little sullied.
Anti-Valentine's because... turns out, 'too much sex' is actually a thing.
3. Barney's Great Adventure (1998)
Nothing flips the bird to Valentine's Day quite like eating microwave pizza in your pants, chugging no-brand whisky and watching Barney the Dinosaur chirp, wiggle and burn his bad-acid gyrations into your eyeballs.
Anti-Valentine's because... Barney the freakin' Dinosaur, man.
2. A Serbian Film
I once sat and read The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices in one sitting, which is unwise by anyone's estimation. Watching A Serbian Film was a similar experience. Namely, every known abuse and perversion made flesh.
Anti-Valentine's because... sexual depravity is not very Hallmark.
1. The Human Centipede Sequence (2010—)
Any or all Human Centipede movies will put the kibosh on any smoochy-smoochy. Unless you and your date are heavily into experimental sphincter surgery.
Anti-Valentine's because... just. revolting.