There’s a school of thought that believes every idea has already been thought of before, like Scarlett Johansson being naked, or Emily Blunt being naked, or Scarlett Johansson being naked. But if that’s the case, then where are the following ten comedy films that Hollywood has failed to deliver on in a by the numbers simplistic approach?
*WARNING* THE FOLLOWING CONTENT OF IRREVERENT SATIRE IS HILARIOUSLY CONTROVERSIAL AND SHOULD THEREFORE BE READ BY NO ONE
1. FLUSHED AWAY
Kim Kardashian plays an overambitious goldfish contained in her own private social vacuum, who’s happy to spend every day swimming through streams of her own faeces. But then one day, the people who feed her decide she’s no longer worth their time, and instead pay all of their attention to a new goldfish they found with perkier breasts and a smaller ass. Overcome with jealousy and emotional spats Kim finds her whole world being pulled away from underneath her, then being taken up the stairs, then being poured straight into the toilet, and finally being flushed away. With no formal qualifications to fall back on, Kim has no choice but to spend every new day swimming through somebody else’s shit working as a social security officer.
2. CLICK BAIT
A biopic chronicling the life and thimble of talent Adam Sandler exploited to extort millions of dollars out of inept studio producers and movie goers alike. Following the character of Adam, the film delves deep into a seedy underbelly of grossly incompetent talent scouts working on behalf of clueless movie studios. The end results being a catalogue of unusable film reel and millions of dollars still unaccounted for. Starring Rob Schneider as the character Adam Sandler, and featuring new material written by someone who is funny.
3. MINECRAFT THE MOVIE
Alex is a normal kid who plays video games and goes to school to get bullied relentlessly, before coming home and becoming his drunk father’s punching bag. Sick of being neglected by a flawed system outside of his control, Alex secretly plans to team up with his only friend who’s also bullied heavily, so that they can raid their parent’s gun cabinet and kill everyone in school. But they never do because that would be a cowardly heinous act of such an overly distorted response, that no one would know who to blame. So imagine Alex’s surprise, when one day he downloads the first game that law enforcement officers will find on his computer. Now he can kill as many people as he wants (with hilarious consequences) and the best part is no one questions the system.
Kristen Stewart plays her most audacious role to date as a twenty dollar bill being passed around from director, to producer, to actor, to convenience store clerk, to being stolen in a high speed day light robbery scenario that goes south fast. Causing her to drift around the streets of L.A. while being chased by numerous scum posing as human beings until eventually settling down into a life of gangster deals and toilet snorting cocaine rituals. But everything turns up good for Kristen when she somehow ends up on Chris’s block, and becomes his lucky twenty bill that he always carry’s around in his fat roll.
5. AMERICAN SNIPER IDOL
A man of distinguishing honour that didn't really accomplish anything during a false war, will take on one last assignment in the name of courage and valour, becoming the most respected man in the world ……..of America. And all he had to do was snipe some English twat that gets off on critiquing shitty singers. With the war on terror now officially over he chooses to retire and spend time with his family as a true American hero. But one of the rejected singers from the show has a different idea, and instead kills him, because people are gun toting lunatics.
6. SLUMDOG CELEBRITY HEIR
Haitel Patel is a young racial stereotype with a love interest that has virtually nothing to do with the second half of the movie. Growing up in a hut and some sand Haitel harbours ambitions of living a better life with the freedom and happiness a third world country just can’t provide. But all of his hopes and dreams are shattered when one day he’s adopted by a rich famous American family. Now he’s confined to live a life of solitude and being forced to attend media spotlighted events of little or no relevance. Starring Angelina Jolie as the wicked witch with the soft heart, and featuring cameos of disgruntled jealous relation’s in the courtroom scenes.
7. DELUSIONAL SECULAR FANTASY (A WORK OF FICTION)
Scientists who have spent their whole lives studying string theory, quantum mechanics, cause and effect, sewing ears onto the backs of mice, and in their free time when they’re screwing around a cure for cancer, suddenly decide that they hate religion for no reason and that it should be disproved because the cancer things not going anywhere. After several long drawn out heated debates with students of highly religious backgrounds, they only seem more determined to wipe the smug self satisfactory grins off of their ignorant coping mechanism faces, but accidentally discover that there is a god in an assuring way that calms studio audiences. Then, completely out of context a scientist decides to study the phenomenon, and discovers that everyone who had spoken to God had just ingested large quantities of L.S.D.
8. HETEROSEXUAL MAN
In a world heavily encumbered by cultural preferences and lack of individual identity one man has the power of fertility. Secretly heterosexual Nathan Jackson tells all of his friends that he’s bisexual, but at night time, behind closed doors he becomes “heterosexual man”. With the power of undressing women with his mind, slowly cuming after reading explicit magazines, and being able to bench press almost all of his bodyweight, Nathan Jackson does what other men no longer have the stomach for. Facing incredible odds and a significantly growing orientation biased, only one man can save humanity this summer. Next summer he’s busy getting in touch with his feminine side, so it’s very important that you watch the film this summer when box office gross earnings can be calculated accordingly.
9. WORLD OF Z’S
A group of dislikeable one-dimensional drama queens accidentally stumble across a strange plague that’s never explained properly. By somehow infecting people with internet access and turning them into barely animated corpses, the plague spreads overnight causing the group to notice sleepwalkers almost everywhere they go. No longer safe and fearing for their life quality, the group decide to band together and risk awkwardly slow chase sequences in an ever-growing atmosphere of apathy and indifference (which is also depicted in the movie). But with their existence becoming more and more futile with every second that passes, the group slowly perish one at a time, until eventually the movie ends with no real resolve or payoff. Directed by someone who makes the film shit because they aren't George Romero, and starring a bunch of no named wannabes who will look back on their career and pretend this movie never existed.
10. FIFTY SHADES OF BAY
Megan Fox plays a promiscuous harlot looking for love in a torture context that’s acceptable to perverted lonely housewife’s and soccer mom's. But after meeting the man of her dreams and being sexually objectified on numerous occasions of male sexual fantasy subtext, things start to go wrong for Megan. Slowly the film takes a dark journey into inane plot holes and continuity oversights as she begins to realise that things keep blowing up around her man for no good reason. Now distraught with cheesy dialogue and overused clichéd tropes, Megan ends the relationship at about the same point in every romantic comedy when there’s still enough time to rekindle it at the end, in an obligatory “I guess I’ll put up with it scene”.
IT'S JUST WORDS
If you enjoyed this list and aren't easily offended by deviations of cultural morality in a comedic context that isn't telling you what to think, then why not share this with people you hardly know on Facebook, Twitter, and whatever the other one is.
If you didn't like this list and are easily offended by words, ideas, comedy and people with different opinions, then I apologise profusely in the same throwaway context as this article, which doesn't really affect your life no matter how hard you try to make it do so.