Hey! Why is that loser the first name of the title? Do you know who I am? I am Chad Sexington. Nah, just kidding, I’m Deadpool. On a completely different note, I just came up with the perfect code name. You don’t know who I am? Why are you a reading a several hundred word article for a contest about me then? Oh right, the other guy. I don’t care if he’s the most iconic villain of all time, write as many angry comments down below as you can, but I’m gonna take this loser down.
It was an ordinary day. Talk about a cliched opening sentence, huh? Here I am sitting in my room and looking at some Rogue fan art. For research purposes of course. Hey, don’t search up Rogue fan art while you’re still reading this article. Granted she has quite the form but right now this is more important. This is about me.
Anyway, like I was saying, I was doing my own business when I heard a knock on my door. Is this where a crucial plot point is introduced? Why else would a fan fiction have a door knocking in it. To advance the story, I answered the door. I was greeted by a very handsome man, not as handsome as me of course. Like I normally would be, I was very tempted to impale this man on my katana for funsies but I knew that would immediately cease this awesome fan fiction.
‘Hello, I am the creator,’ he addressed himself.
This statement made me even more tempted to stab him but things would turn out terrible if I just killed the writer of this article. If that happened, how would anyone write about me kicking some clown’s ass? If I was going to be awesome, I would have to keep this guy alive, for the moment.
‘What do you want?’
I decided to come off as distant, this way he would desire me more. You know, I’m playing hard to get and all.
‘Deadpool it is a great honour to meet you. I am your number one fan.’
Play it cool Deadpool, don’t want to embarrass yourself in front of all these readers.
‘Really? That is awesome! Let’s hug each other!’
You know what? Shut up! This isn’t weird, it’s cool to hug people all the time. He’s my number one fan after all.
‘I came to let you know that I’m writing a fanfiction about you for a contest on Moviepilot. You will be taking on the clown prince of crime, the Joker.’
‘I know who I’m versing. I read the title of this article. Now, tell me about this contest.’
‘Well, if we win. I get to win a Deadpool Plushie.’
A Deadpool Plushie? That is the most awesome thing I’ve ever heard. Can’t you just imagine, holding that guy in your arms? I could attach lasers to it and make it a bad ass just like me. It was at this moment that I realised that I must win this contest. I must have that plushie.
‘Where do I sign? I must have the plushie.’
‘Well, technically you wouldn’t have it. You’re just a comicbook character.’
‘What was that? Just a comic book character? I’m Deadpool! I had my own video game! I have a movie coming out next year! That plushie will be mine or you’ll be my next chimichanga! Just like Spiderman when that fan mixed us up at a cosplay convention.’
‘Okay, okay. You can have the plushie. Just don’t eat me.’
Before I could punch him for his insubordination, a shadow dashed across the corner of my eye. I turned around and saw it standing on the couch. An enemy that I must fight for the sake of getting the plot moving. Suddenly, there was more. These guys were pure evil, mixing my two worst fears.
‘Really? Clown ninjas?’
‘I hate ninjas and as far as I know, the Joker doesn’t own regular ninjas so I thought this would make less plot holes for the readers to point out in the comments. I will have to fight them.’
I got out my katanas and started swinging them arround, pretending the ninjas were pinatas filled with candy and the candy was their own blood. Unfortunately, there was too many of them and they managed to kidnap the creator, the very MacGuffin of this fanfiction.
Sadly, I could not just let that loser go. Without him, I cannot write this fanfiction. Without the fanfiction, I cannot win the contest and without winning the contest, I cannot have my Deadpool Plushie. It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine. Yes it is a Wayne’s World reference. Good on you, reader.
Sadly, I had to say goodbye to my awesome Man Cave to go on my quest. While I was walking down the street, everything seemed fine. People ran away from me and did everything in their power to avoid me, just the way I like it. I seem to have spoken too soon since that nark, Cable just showed up.
‘Wade, you must stop this quest. Battling the Joker will only end in death and destruction. If you want to save yourself and countless others, here is what you must do…’
As always, Cable was being very boring. Giving me his “dire” warning full of future crap.
‘…fate of the world depends on…’
I knew what I had to do. I started walking away from Cable and towards Joker’s lair. I started hearing yelling but I didn’t care. He probably just stepped in some gum. You know how stressing that is, don’t you reader? I’ll give you a moment to think about it.
I found myself at a circus. Where else would Joker’s lair be? A museum? I didn’t think so. As I walked in, I noticed the creator sitting in a cannon. The room was full of various other contraptions but my attention span can only take in so much. Finally, the Joker emerged. Took long enough, we’re already one thousand words into this fanfiction and now we get to meet him. Hope this isn’t anticlimatic, that would anger the readers.
Joker did Joker things. He laugh maniacally and jumped onto the cannon where the creator was. He gave the creator a kiss on the cheek and left a spot of blood on the creator’s face. That was a little weird. Something was off about his face. Did he take it off and sew it back on? Wow, this dude is completely nuts.
‘What happened to your face? You’re uglier than me and I’m a walking tumour.’
‘Let’s face the facts. I’m better than you.’
The Joker returned to laughing maniacally. I was tempted to leave out of boredom but I really wanted that Deadpool Plushie. I was about to get about my gun when I pie was thrown in my face. Cream. He knew my least favourite kind of pie. Somehow, he knew.
‘Why did you kidnap the creator, Joker? Breaking the fourth wall is my job. Just ask my fans.’
‘A good question, Wadey. See, I know who you are. Apparently you’re the craziest of them all. I’m afraid that’s my job.’
‘How could you tell I was the craziest? Did you ask a magic mirror?’
‘Exactly what I’m talking about. I need to show the world that at the end of the day, you are a human being, just like them. I will show that you are not as crazy as me by making you suffer. I have kidnapped the creator and I am intent on killing him. You will not get your Deadpool Plushie and the image of you sobbing on the floor will forever cement the idea that you are not insane.’
‘You wouldn’t dare.’
‘Oh I would. See, there’s a button over there that activates a bowling ball that will roll down those pipes, hit that clown over the head, he will fall over onto a pressure pad which will activate a water pump, it will flush out a balloon which will rise to a button which activates a lighter next a match. That lit match will slide down that ramp and set the rope of the cannon on fire, it will launch the creator into a vat of acid and kill him.’
‘Couldn’t you just beat him to death with a crowbar? That seemed pretty effective before.’
‘Some word of advice, Deadpool. Never give the same joke twice. It gets old.’
‘Well I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you.’
I got out my machine gun and fired it at the Joker. He got out a giant magnet and attracted all the bullets. Damn you lead bullets. Why must you be like Magneto and attract any metal regardless of whether or not it’s actually magnetic. I got out my bazooka, that would have to silence that clown. I’d make him a mime. Teehee. When I was sure my plan of firing a bazooka at a clown would work, he blew up a giant ball of bubblegum. The bazooka got stuck in the bubble gum and exploded. I was knocked to the ground and found myself covered in a liquid. To make sure it was blood, I licked it. Sadly, it was just bubblegum.
I got up and saw the Joker standing over me. He had a gun in his hand that was pointed at my forehead. Just as he fired, I slid out of the way only to find out it was just a novelty gun that shot out the word “BANG!” What a cliché, am I right? This silly battle had gone on long enough, time to get serious.
‘Joker, it is clear that I am too awesome to be defeated and that you are too annoying to be defeated. If we are to achieve victory over one another, we must do it by other means.”
‘What are you suggesting?’
‘Seriously? I am THE Joker. You don’t stand a chance.’
‘Oh I am very serious.’
‘Why so serious?’
‘Oh, wow. Walked right into that one, didn’t I?’
‘Yes, yes you did.’
‘Enough babbling. Let’s do this!’
Using transition magic and reader gullibility, I spawned in a comedy club. Joker and I stood on the stage in front of an audience containing an inevitable Stan Lee cameo in the front row. Joker’s theatrics had grabbed the attention of the audience and I was forced to listen to his lunatic voice first.
‘What is Luthor’s favourite accessory? A rol-LEX!’
‘Ugh! Way to start off with a dad joke. What do you do when Black Bolt becomes disruptive in a library? Cover your ears and run as fast as you can.’
‘A little obscure, Wadey. What do you call a rip-off of Deathstroke? Deadpool.”
‘Hey! I’m not a rip-off. Just because our names are the same except for two letters and we look very similar doesn’t mean I’m a rip-off. Why was Iron Man embarrassed when he found the real Mandarin? Because he was Starking up the wrong tree.’
‘Let’s keep movies references out of this. What did one Spiderman say to the other Spiderman? Wait, I’m not Spiderman, I’m Deadpool.’
‘You sonova BITCH!’
I lept on Joker with a great deal of rage. As I had him pinned to the ground, I realised just how much fun this was going to be. With every remark I made, I gave him a punch from Deadfist.
‘This is for the Spiderman joke.’
‘This is for stopping me from getting my Deadpool Plushie.’
‘This is for not shaving your moustache for television.’
‘This is for looking stupid in The New Batman Adventures.’
‘This is for killing Rachel.’
‘This is for not being in The Dark Knight Rises.’
‘And this is because I felt like it.’
While he was fairly bruised up, his grin remained on his face. Possibly because of the whole cut off face thing. I wrapped my hands around his throat and I started hearing the satisfying sound of a choking victim. I stared deep into his eyes as he chose to remain smiling.
‘I want you to remember Joker, in all the years to come, in your most private moments, I want you to remember my hand at your throat, I want you to remember the one man who beat you.’
‘You know he said that to Superman, right?’
‘Really? Oh man, I was really looking forward to saying that to you and hear I am looking like an idiot.’
‘That is very funny.’
‘Why do I bother? Screw this.’
I shot him in the head. I ended his reign of tyranny. Even with that smug grin on his face, I still won. Are you happy readers? Your favourite villain has lost to me. I am awesome and I always will be. Even when I am an old man sitting on my couch, doing nothing but jacking it to holograms of Rogue, I will be still awesome because I beat Joker. Young Rogue, of course. Would be weird if she was as old as me then.
I released the creator from his restraints. He was grateful and assured me that this fanfiction would be completed and I would receive my well deserved Deadpool Plushie. Even when I have beaten the Joker and rescued the creator, I still feel unsatisfied.
‘Where will you go?’
‘There’s something bothering me. Something that I must do.’
‘Very well. Fairwell Deadpool, perhaps we shall cross paths again.’
Finally, he’s gone. He was really starting to annoy me. So nosy. Anyway, I hopped on my pet unicorn and flew across to the other side of the Earth. Sadly I cannot literally show you how awesome this looks. I will have to describe it to you. Just imagine something really super awesome. Not as awesome as me of course, but something nearly as awesome. There’s me in the center of it looking awesome with other things nearly as awesome going on around me. Yeah, that about somes it up.
After several minutes, me and my magical unicorn had arrived in the arctic. I was at the front door of the Fortress Of Solitude. I got the quote wrong, I thirst for appropriate referencing so now I must beat up Superman and make the reference. I knock on the door and am answered by the Man Of Steel.
‘Deadpool, what do you want?’
‘I accidentally referenced The Dark Knight Returns on the Joker and now I seek closure by referencing it on you.’
‘You want to beat me up?’
‘That’s the general idea, yes.’
Before I could wail my fists on him, Superman snapped my neck. Oh dear, that’s going to anger a lot of fans. At least I was threatening to kill a family. Oh wait, no I wasn’t. Oh well, the readers won’t be mad at me, just at the creator who made this fanfiction. As I snapped my neck back, I extracted from my pocket, a green rock atop a ring.
‘Eat kryptonite, Superdick!’
‘Dude, is that a ring pop?’
To prevent further humilation, I licked the ring. I picked up on a very sweet taste that certainly didn’t taste like a radioactive rock. It was at this point that I realised my journey had come to an end. The fanfiction already has too many words and this is turning out more like Deadpool versus Superman. To put my senses to rest, I called the creator.
‘Creator, did we win?’
‘Deadpool, I have some bad news.’
‘We didn’t win? I’m not getting my Deadpool Plushie?’
‘No, it’s a lot worse. Turns out one of the rules in these contests is you have to be a resident of the United States. I am from Australia.’
‘What does this mean?’
‘Deadpool, you aren’t getting a plushie.’
I collapsed to the ground and began sobbing. I’m not getting the Deadpool Plushie I rightfully deserve. I have been damned by the national pride of a website that gives toys to people who write fanfictions. I then realised that even though I killed him, the Joker had won. I will not get by Deadpool Plushie and I have succumbed to my human emotions. That bastard got the last laugh.
‘Curse you Moviepilot!’