NSFW Warning: This post includes sexualized images that may not be considered appropriate for work, though no explicit nudity is featured.
I'm sure most of us are aware of the internet's 34th and most infamous rule: 'If it exists, there is porn of it. No exceptions.' So it shouldn't come as too much of a surprise to learn that one of the most successful comic book companies in the world has inspired its own raunchy XXX movie industry - not the MCU, but the MPU.
What you might be surprised by, however, is the startlingly extravagant lengths some of these porn producers have gone to in order to recreate their intensely eroticised (and totally not copyright-infringing) versions of all your favorite sexy superheroes!
The latest and lewdest Marvel porn parody pays tribute to Guardians of the Galaxy, turning Chris Pratt's sic-fi romp into an explicit adventure of oversized phallic proportions. Expect full latex costumes, souped up suits of armor, and a lot of chafing. I present to you the wonderfully bizarre world of Marvel porn!
50 Shades of Groot
(Porn) Star-Lord gets down and dirty with a rather scantily clad, fiery little Rocket, while Groot proves he has no trouble getting wood. What I wouldn't give to see Vin Diesel dressed as a giant inflatable penis. I guess there's always Fast 8...
But don't worry, that's not all. The Porn industry has been taking inspiration from Marvel's cinematic exploits for quite some time now. Feast your eyes on this sordid back catalogue of Marvel porno hits:
Assemble the Orgy
A chubby Hawkeye joins a ludicrously busty She-Hulk and the worst RDJ lookalike this side of Hollywood Boulevard for a raunchy romp in New York city. Latex burns ensue.
Tony Gets Starkers
Color me impressed by the production values on Tony's 'all-man' suit, though something tells me he's not gonna be wearing it for long...
'Danny Mountain' - now that's a porn star name worthy of playing the God of Thunder, lightening and uncontrollable orgasms. You got a sheath for that hammer, Dan?
Spider-Man: Turned On In the Dark
Proficient camera skills, a full-bodied lycra suit and plenty of white sticky stuff - yep, I'd say Spidey's got everything he needs to make an adult classic. Let's just hope the Green Gonorrhea Goblin doesn't rear his ugly head.
Captain America: Porn Stars and Stripes
The honorable Cap may look like he's enjoying himself quite a bit in this home video gem, but you can bet he was thinking only of his country the entire time. Come to think of it, Steve Rogers is actually a pretty perfect name for a porn star!
The Incredible Bulk shows off his mean, green package in this 'transformative' 2 disc collector's set. All the ladies like him when he's angry.
I'm thoroughly intrigued by the as advertised 'Non-Sex Version' of the movie. Does anyone actually buy these strictly for the compelling narrative?