Many of us have that little voice in our heads telling us that we can do good, fight evil, inspire hope, save the world, etc. There are a lot of different pictures that come to mind when you think about changing the planet for the better. Here are just a few: Green Peace, Animal Rights, Boys and Girls Clubs of America, Human Rights Campaign, United Nations Children Fund. There are hundreds more. But why stop there? I mean, don’t you really want to be a superhero? Well, what are the odds that a green ring is going to land in your hand and grant you the powers of the Green Lantern Corps?... or you suddenly discover you are from another planet and that explains why you can fly and have super strength?... or you happen upon a spider that bites you and turns you into a man spider? Not likely. But there is one man that made himself into a superhero. His strength is his will. His power is his tenacity. His armor is his discipline. He is the Caped Crusader, the Dark Knight, … the Batman!
Could you attain this? Could you become the Batman? At one time I thought not. The only way is to be born into extreme wealth. But that belief has changed, and now I am certain it is attainable for almost anyone. As you will see from the video collection I have compiled, every step is within your grasp. You have only to put all of these elements together. Rest assured, it is no easy path. It will cost you your free time, your social life, your unending discipline, and yes… some money. But the reward is glory, power, and vengeance. You could right the wrongs in your city. You could become the living weapon of humanity, the bane of crime, the woes of evil. I have devised a thorough plan, a seamless equation, for your transition into the Batman. I have included with every category some links to videos of people performing the different steps. If you achieve all of them the transition will be complete. Follow my formula and your legend will be carved into the annals of history. You will be the Batman, and here is how:
Step 1: Physique. Hit the gym, and hit it HARD. This is not just good for conditioning your body (which is your greatest weapon), but also to make sure you look crazy ripped and menacing in your costume (which you will build later). Every exercise you can think of is a good start. But if that is too overwhelming, then consider starting with body weight exercises. The following video will show you some entry-level body weight exercises. Once you can do all of these add some more difficult ones as well as weight training, high intensity interval training, cardio, swimming, etc.
Step 2: Martial Arts. Now that you have killer abs it’s time to give you killer fists. We could argue all day which fighter or martial arts form is the best, but I have a better idea. ALL OF THEM! That’s right, you should master every martial arts form you can learn. Learn from them all. ALL OF THEM!
Step 3: Free Running/Parkour/Gymnastics. You look good. You can fight. Now let’s work on your parkour. No, you are not joining the trendy group of awkward teens who just like to flip everywhere for no reason. You are becoming a true warrior. You have to move with lightning speed. There are no obstacles only opportunities. Free running, parkour, and gymnastics are all essential to being able to fight crime and vanish into the night undetected. No building is too high. No alley is too dark. You are a phantom. Become one with your surroundings. Become the night.
Step 4: Throw random things very accurately. I recommend starting with a Frisbee. It may seem less special than a batarang, but you are less likely to injure yourself or someone else. Eventually you want to be able to throw everything. Take special care in this step; learn to do it accurately. On second thought, if Shailene Woodley can practice with real knives in her mediocre young-adult non-phenomenon, then you can certainly start with real knives too!
Step 6: Fly. “It’s not flying. It’s falling with style.” The wingsuit has become a profound member of the, “Oh snap! Look at this video!” Youtube family. Well, it is also the next step in your sweet transition. Master the wingsuit, and you will master the skies.
Step 7: Metalwork. You have to build your own batarangs, obviously. But you don’t have to weld to make it happen. The video below will give very simple directions for how to make your own arsenal of batarangs. And since you know how to throw them with deadly accuracy, you are now a force to be reckoned with.
Step 8: Make your Bat-suit. This is the last measure. There are numerous ways you could accomplish this, and you don't necessarily have to learn to sew. Like the comic book depictions your suit will definitely improve with time. You have some important decisions to make, like, "How long should the ears be?" or "What color scheme do you want?" but most importantly... "What bat design should you put on the chest?" For now watch this video and follow along…
Congratulations! YOU ARE BATMAN!!!!! And you didn’t have to be a millionaire to make it happen. Now go stand on the tallest building you can find and wait for your city to cry out for vengeance. You are world’s greatest detective. You can punch Superman in the face. But most of all, you can say, “I'm Batman.” Feels good, doesn’t it?
Bonus Round: It also might be worth learning to rappel, solve impossible puzzles and riddles, disarm assailants in pitch black, and have inhuman foresight. But those are really not necessities. Also don’t trust Catwoman. Just sayin’.