Hello horror fans, and welcome to another episode of Tony's Talking Terrors, where I interview YOUR FAVORITE horror villains, alive, dead, or somewhere in between! Tonight's guest is the second-deadliest man in Texas, the ONLY law enforcement officer in town, and the brother (Although he fashions himself the Uncle) of Thomas Hewitt, A.K.A. Leatherface, Sheriff Hoyt! He's a mean son of a bitch with a penchant for cannibalism, but he bit off more than he could chew when he tried to kill Erin Hardesty in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)! His family killed Erin's boyfriend and her friends, but she escaped, lopped off Leatherface's arm, and ran him the fuck over! He was pretty pissed off, even in death, which made him easy to summon. Without further ado, here's the transcript!
The room shudders, and a thick mist fills the air as low rumblings and deep incantations emanate from the Ouija board. My hands shake as I slowly disperse the mist and continue the incantation. Suddenly, the board moves. First slowly, then faster and faster, until it is frantically spelling out phrases, sentences, entire speeches, and all the while a booming Southern voice crashes through the mist. Sheriff Hoyt appears with a look of disgust on his face, and sits down in the chair across from me.
Sheriff Hoyt: Who the fuck are you?! Why have you awakened me, you limey little fuck?!
Tony: Whoa now, hang on a sec!
I sweat as I try to stay calm, and put up my hands, as if that would hold back a spirit.
T: It's all good, Sheriff! I woke you up to talk to you! I need your recipe for BBQ ribs, man!
His look of anger turns to annoyance, and then to a deadly snake's grin.
Hoyt: Well, boy, why didn't you say so! Just hold on a sec, where the hell are we?
Hoyt looks around the room, confused, and then shivers.
Hoyt: Where the fuck are we?! This room is colder than a frozen fucking meat locker!
T: We're in Canada.
Hoyt: Well what the fuck are you doin', bringing me to the frozen wastes, boy?!
This exchange continues for a few minutes, until he realizes he's dead. He stops shivering and sits up, motioning for me to speak.
Hoyt: C'mon then, boy, ask your questions!
T: Yes sir, Sheriff, you got it! Let's start with where you're from.
Hoyt: I'm from the greatest part of the U.S. of fuckin' A.! The beautiful barren Texan country!
T: Have you always lived there?
Hoyt: Well, I did a tour in 'Nam back in the day. The Cong bastards tried to bury me there, but I beat those fuckers and made it back home. That was a hell of a time, I tell ya what. You don't know jack shit about pain until you've been to war.
T: So I've heard. What can you tell me about Vietnam, Sheriff? What was it like over there?
Hoyt: Oh boy, I can tell you a whole lot about the war, but I'll give it to ya straight. Those Cong captured me and put me in a hole, and they did inhuman experiments on me. They messed around with starvation, dehydration, different torture methods, and then they fed me my friends , one by fuckin' one.
T: Good God, that's horrible! Is that where your taste for human flesh started?
Hoyt: Hey now, who's tellin' the fuckin' story?!
T: Go ahead, Sheriff.
Hoyt: You ain't far off though, boy. After a while, you become accustomed to whatever you're fed. It's called "conditioning". All I had to eat for six months was my buddies, so by the time the Americans came and got me, that's all the meat I could eat. But I couldn't tell them that, of course. Why, they'd hang me higher than a kite if they knew the things I'd done to survive. So I came home.
T: And how did your family get involved in this cannibalism business?
Hoyt: When I got back to the farm, the whole damn crop had dried up. The rains had stopped comin' for some time, and we had nothin' left to sell or eat. So I told 'em about what I learned to eat in 'Nam. No way in Hell was my family starvin' when there's always a food source breezin' through here! I just taught 'em how to cook it right, and cook it like you would a hog or a sow or whatever else, and eventually we found our new food source. It actually ain't that bad when you know how to cook it. What's wrong, boy? You look a little sickly! Hahaha!
T: Well, I gotta ask, how many people have you and your family killed?
Hoyt: Oh Hell, I don't keep track! Let's see... When I got ran over by that BITCH, I'd been cookin' for about 15 years, and we get about 5 or 10 kids comin' through these parts every week or two, so what's that? A whole fuckin' lot. Somethin' around 2500 I guess? How many cows you kill with all them burgers you're eatin'? How many chickens? It's all food, boy! This is better cause you get to hunt 'em before you eat 'em!
T: Okay, that's a lot of, uh, "food". Let's talk about Tommy [Leatherface]. What's his story? Is he your brother?
Hoyt: Well, Mama [Luda Mae Hewitt] found little Tommy in a dumpster outside the slaughterhouse. He was just a little runt, and she took him in. By then I was a teenager already, and I fashioned myself more of an uncle to the little guy. Y'know, Tommy's a little slow, so I helped him along. I even got him his first job! Taught him about huntin' [people], cookin', storin', and all the other lifestyle things he had to know! Then he went to work at the slaughterhouse.
T: The same one where you found him?
Hoyt: Damn straight! And by God that boy could slaughter some animals! He could kill a pig and have it separated into the different cuts of meat in way under an hour! When we could afford to, we got other types of meat from there. Until Tommy got knocked around and he fuckin' bludgeoned his boss! Right there in that damn slaughterhouse, just like he would a pig, just WHAM! Dead.
T: That was his first kill?
Hoyt: That's right, it surely was. Hey, that ties in nicely with my next fun little story! Wanna know how I became the sheriff of these parts?
T: You stole the question right out of my mouth!
Hoyt: Well the way she went is like this: Tommy was walkin' home all bloody from the slaughterhouse, after just beatin' his boss to death, and the only sheriff in town got called to the scene. Sheriff Winston Hoyt. Nice enough of a fella, but didn't know how to let things go. Anyway, he was tryin' to arrest Tommy, and the way I saw it, nobody was gonna arrest my little brother, so I blasted him with his own shotgun! Hahaha, he twitched for a couple minutes even after his head was gone! Ain't never seen nothin' like that in my life! Anyway, I took his position as the only law enforcement officer in Travis County, and here I am! Or was, I guess.
T: Ah, the old survival of the fittest method of succession, eh?
Hoyt: Whatever the fuck that means, boy!
T: I just have a couple more questions for you.
Hoyt: Well what the Hell are you waitin' for, boy? Spit 'em out!
T: Do you have a favorite recipe for cooking those, uh, specialty meats?
Hoyt: Barbecue ribs are the best, but you can barbecue damn near any part with meat on it! I like smokin' it too, because that locks in the flavor and keeps it from goin' stale for a long time. You oughta come down to the farm and have Mama cook you up some of her homestyle ribs! Tell 'er her boy Charlie sent ya! Haha!
T: Well, that's awfully nice of you, but I don't often make my way that far south. I'm more acclimated to the, uh, milder climate.
Hoyt: Well fuck, boy, all you had to say was you didn't want to get cooked up for dinner! Haha You're a jumpy little fella, aren't ya?
T: Okay, to finish this thing off right, is there anything you want to say to the people reading this?
Hoyt: Listen here, you limey city-slicker punks! If you want the best damn barbecue in the South, go to the Hewitt Family Farm and get 'em to make you a rack! You'll be DYING for more! Hahaha!
T: Well, it was good talkin' to ya, Sheriff! Good luck down below, and thanks for the chat!
Hoyt: And thank you for bringing me to a frozen fucking icicle land of snow and misery for your damn interview!
After the interview, I read the incantation wrong and sent Sheriff Hoyt's soul to the local butcher shop, so I'd recommend avoiding [Name of shop redacted for security reasons] unless you're an exorcist or a really brave soul! Thanks for reading, and don't forget to tell me who you want me to interview next! Have a KILLER day!