Hello horror fans, and welcome to another Top 6 List with your friendly neighborhood Tony! I was browsing some IMDB lists last night in the hopes of happening upon a movie worth watching, and I noticed a disturbing trend. Two trends, actually. First, does anyone else feel like horror movies get WAY HARSHER reviews than other genres? I sure do. The other trend I noticed was that critics really have no idea what makes a great horror film. Okay, so they can SOMETIMES recognize greatness (See: The Exorcist, Halloween, etc.), but a lot of the time, the highest rated horror flicks aren't even that good! This is my list of those movies that the critics rave about, and I really am not a fan of. Keep in mind that this list is merely one fan's opinion, and I may piss some people off! God, I love the Internet! Let's jump right in! Muhuhahaha!
#6: Rosemary's Baby (1968)
If were going to do an incendiary list, we might as well start it off right! Rosemary's Baby was directed by the erratic Roman Polanski, who was respected for his dark and violent films, and this supernatural spooky movie is considered to be one of his best. When Rosemary and her husband move into a new apartment complex, strange neighbors and odd occurrences make the couple uneasy. Then Rosemary gets pregnant, and things start to turn devilish. Is she the mother of the Antichrist? Are the strange happenings related to her unborn child, or is she merely the victim of increasing paranoia? When I watched this movie, I had high hopes that I would be freaked out, or at least chilled a little. What I got instead was a slow (Even for its time), drawn out experience that left me checking Facebook more often than I checked my pulse. Sure, there are a couple moments that are a tad bit creepy, but if I'm watching a supernatural horror, I expect to be truly afraid! Rosemary's Baby is often toted one of the best classic horror films, and I have to strongly disagree. Watch it for the historical importance, not for the scare value.
#5: Eyes Without A Face (1962)
If French horror is your thing, it's probably best to avoid this flick. The story centers around a girl whose face is horribly disfigured after her father crashes their car, and the father's mad search for a new face to graft onto his daughter's. As the film progresses, the father resorts to kidnapping and mutilation to get what his daughter needs, but the new faces just don't seem to want to stay on. To what lengths will this father go to "help" his child? This is another example of a so-called "classic" falling short of its apparent glory. Is this movie interesting? Definitely. The premise is a great foundation, and enough to pique a viewer's interest, but the execution leaves much to be desired. Again, this is a prime specimen of a movie that has lost its shock value and scares over time. I can see why this film is relevant and might have been horrifying in its heyday, but these days, it just can't quite make the cut. What's the next "great" film on my shit list?!
#4: Drag Me To Hell (2009)
Sam Raimi is usually a very solid director. If you need proof, go watch Evil Dead and its sequel, because they are RAD! However, this entry in his filmography is pretty weak in terms of scares. Once again we see a movie with great story potential made poorly, and it shows. The film is about a woman who is forced to refuse a loan extension to a gypsy woman, who then puts a curse on our unlucky protagonist! In three days, after some horrific happenings, she will be literally pulled into Hell! I went to the theater expecting an awesome horror flick, and what I got was a lot of disappointment. What's scary about CG flames and an animatronic demon goat? Not a hell of a lot. The acting is especially distracting, and NOT in the good way. While the ending was indeed well written, that alone is not enough to salvage this messy supernatural flick. Sorry Mr. Raimi, let's hope your adaptation of The Last Of Us is a LOT better!
#3: Funny Games (2007)
Sorry Naomi Watts, your pleas for mercy fall on deaf ears! By now you all hopefully know that I typically HATE REMAKES OF FOREIGN FILMS, and this flick just drives home that fact! I wanted to love this movie, because I adore the original. The original has great tension, brutality, and psychological torment, and left me wondering if I would ever open my door to a neighbor again! This film, however, did nothing of the sort. For a remake, it was okay, I guess. Watchable? Sure. Scary? NOPE! I'll give it to the studio: they had some good actors in the film. They just couldn't give that great of a performance this time around. Instead of feeling dread while this suburban family was tormented by their captors, I felt tormented for watching it! The film felt slow and tedious, and I couldn't wait for the credits to roll. The cinematography was good because the production value was high and Michael Haneke was REMAKING HIS OWN DAMN MOVIE, so how could it go wrong?! This remake of Funny Games did for its source material what the Psycho remake did for Hitchcock's classic: total injustice. SKIP!
#2: Sleepy Hollow (1999)
Here's an Oscar nominee that should NEVER have gotten so far along the ballot! Sleepy Hollow is about... WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! Are you telling me you DON'T KNOW THIS STORY?! Alright, sorry for that little outburst. Sleepy Hollow focuses on some mysterious murders in 18th-century America, and the culprit is supposedly an undead headless horseman. Police Officer Ichabod Crane is on the case, navigating through misty forests, old-school towns, and not a hell of a lot else. Johnny Depp stars in this Tim Burton directed film (Jeez, how many movies have they made together?! 10,000?!) and while they bring some half-decent jump scares to the show, the majority of the movie plays out with little actual tension. The movie fails to capture the audience's attention and really falls away from the genuine terror of the source material. This classic story is unfortunately not done well for the modern age. Of course, from a technical standpoint, the movie has true merits, but it JUST ISN'T SCARY! And that's not the jaded horror veteran Tony speaking. It's the 9 year old Tony who watched this and kept thinking "When does this get creepy?" PASS!
#1: The Blair Witch Project (1999)
Here we are, folks! The not-so-grand finale! FINALLY! I know what you're thinking. "But Tony, The Blair Witch Project is a horror STAPLE! It created an entire GENRE of horror!" Okay first of all, The Blair Witch Project is NOT THE FIRST FOUND FOOTAGE FILM!!! That title belongs to Cannibal Holocaust, thank you very much! Also, what exactly is so scary about three college kids who get lost in the woods and cry and scream at each other? The big reason everyone was so horrified by this flick was the marketing campaign! The film was marketed as REAL FOOTAGE over the Internet, and everybody got worked up into a damn frenzy because viral ad campaigns are effective at making people believe whatever they want you to believe. The production quality is INTENTIONALLY BAD and the acting is, well, almost passable. Just like this movie! At least Paranormal Activity had some decent jump scares! If you weren't part of the media hype surrounding this flick, you probably won't find it terrifying in the slightest.
BONUS MOVIE! The BEST Critically Acclaimed Horror Movie Of All Time Is...
I didn't want to leave you folks without something positively HORRIFYING to check out! FINALLY the critics get it RIGHT! If you haven't seen Dario Argento's masterpiece yet, put on your shittin' pants and check it out, because it's genuinely amazing, and one of the few films that can keep me awake at night even after multiple viewings! What films did I miss that disappointed you? What should I cover next? Have a KILLER day, and thanks for reading!