I've been to many lands in my time, and met many wise people, who've said many wise things! I think the wisest thing I've ever heard was an ancient proverb from an old wizard friend of mine.
"I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure!"—Dumbledalf, The Lord of the Olympians, and the last Airbender.
Yes, I've been around the metaphorical block quite a few times my friends! I've been a pirate, a bounty hunter, an immortal time-lord and a troubled, angst-filled youth with the heavy burden of being the "chosen one" in a dystopian world run by an oppressive government! I've also been a cat. It'd be accurate to feel absolutely envious of my adventure-filled life. Why, even single ladies leave their men for me!
But don't you worry all you non-adventurers out there. I, Awesome von Supercool, am inviting you on the journey of a lifetime! Like I said, I've seen a lot. I've seen a giant spider chase a pair of young boys, I've seen a person go from black hair to blond in the blink of an eye, I've seen a dog inflate into the size of a balloon and proceed to fly away on a magical journey with his Korean-speaking magical rainbow-unicorn girlfriend! But alas, as much as I have loved venturing into the unknown, everything must come to an end.
I am retiring from the hero life; moving to a nice little cottage in the middle of the Alaskan frontier! I will spend my days fishing and hunting moose, and spend my nights listening to the soothing sounds of a grizzly bear fighting a wolf! Maybe I'll move close to Sarah Palin's house. I've always wanted to look out my window and see Russia!
Anyway, I can't just retire from heroic life without finding a worthy successor. That's like the first rule in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Guardians of the Galaxy handbook I received from my good friend Tony Star-Lord (aka Bat-Lantern)! So I'm inviting you ALL to come with me to the best lands I've ever visited, and prove that you've got what it takes to carry on my legacy!
Here's what we'll be doing:
You're A Wizard, Maybe.
First, we'll take a trip in my wonderful machine, the T.A.R.D.I.S! Now, I'm not quite sure what it stands for anymore; but I'm pretty sure it was along the lines of Totally Awesome Remarkably Detailed and Inexpensive Spaceship, or something like that. The TARDIS will allow us to journey to any area throughout space and time! Nothing's off limits! Except the homeland of the Daleks, we probably want to steer clear of that.
The first stop on our heroic journey will be the Wonderful Wizarding World!
Here, you'll learn what it's like to be whisked away form your mundane life and carried into a world that's relying on you to protect it from the dark forces! This will teach you the heroic trait of 'responsibility'. At exactly ungodly-hours-o'clock, we will journey to Diagon Alley, the marketplace for any wizardly occasion! This place is like the shopping mall of America, only ten times better! You'll receive a pet of your choice, you can choose an owl, a frog or a cat. I recommend the owl; mainly because cats are hard to work with, and with frogs there is always the chance of getting warts. And I assure you that if you get warts this adventure is 100% done. I am EXTREMELY germaphobic!
After you've gotten your pet, it's time to get the rest of your essentials. I hope you packed your wallet, because you'll be needing it. After all, to be a heroic wizard like yours truly, you're going to need to be prepared. You'll need spell books, robes, scrolls, a potion kit, a magic wand, eggs, flour, barbecue sauce, milk, bananas, two loaves of brea—oops. My grocery list got mixed up in my wizard shopping list. You'll need everything I've just said except for the food items, unless you're planning on becoming a magic chef. Anyway, after you've gotten everything you need to be a wizard, and I've taken a much needed trip to Walmart, we can move forward with your heroic training!
You can't just look like a wizard, you have to know your stuff too! That's why all who accompany me on this adventure will be automatically enrolled in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy!
Here, you'll be put into whatever house matches your personality (Gryffindor, Slytherin, Ravenclaw and Potato..I mean Hufflepuff) and learn how to perform spells and conjure up potions! You won't find boring classes like math or social studies here! We'll only be looking at the real important classes, like 'Turning A Bully Into A Ferret 101'! Heed the advice of my good friend Bumblebee and his team of professors, and you'll become the greatest witch or wizard this side of the Whomping Willow!
[Note: I have tried to explain to Headmaster Gobbledygook that a male witch is called a warlock, not a wizard, but he simply wouldn't listen.]
Now, do be careful when navigating the large construct that is Hogwarts. Not just because it's easy to get lost in the halls of this super-school, but because it's quite possible that one false step could send you falling through the floor. See, Hogwarts was the battleground for a very destructive war against the forces of good and evil. Good prevailed, but the pressure of the battle left Hogwarts going from looking like this:
But don't worry, I'm sure you won't die! You did sign the waiver though, right?
Anyway, for those of you who survive...I mean dare to continue on this perilous journey, we'll hop back into the TARDIS and travel to our next location!
Here And There Again!
So now that you've become a wizard and learned responsibility, it's time for your next heroic lesson! Are you ready to go to a land inhabited by snobby elves, arrogant dwarves and horrifying fire-breathing dragon?! Yes, dragon, singular, at least you had better hope there's only one.
Yes, we'll be traveling to sunny and beautiful Middle-Earth!
It's here where your courage will be put to the ultimate test! Make sure to eat a Hobbit's worth of breakfast and lunch because come nightfall, we'll be skipping dinner and going adventuring with my good friends Gandalk and Zippo! They kind of look to me for bravery, courage and all-around amazing-ness.
We'll be using the advantage of night to train you in the most courageous of ways! First, we'll go elk hunting. After all, we're going to need some protein for the perilous journey ahead. After that, we'll get a little exercise in by frantically sprinting away from the angered Elves who ride the elks! Once we get that nice and relaxing run over with, we'll move on to the next activity: Pranking Orcs!
Orcs have been a pain in Middle-Earth's backside for thousands of years, give or take another hundred. They've been killing the farm animals, burning the crops and saying really mean things about everyone's mothers! So we'll get back at them in the most courageous of ways—childish pranks! We'll TP their houses and throw eggs on their dry-clean only suits of armor! Then we'll get some more exercise in, by frantically escaping impending death by yolk covered Orc!
After that, we've only got two more tasks to complete. This next is one is EASY! So easy, that you could probably do it with your eyes closed. Ready? Ok! Your next courageous task, is to climb a mountain, at the top of which you will find a door. This door leads to the inside of a castle, in which there is a room full of gold! Now, you'll notice that the door has closed and locked itself behind you, this is normal. Your task is to search for the key to open the door. The key is hidden inside the gold, which is also the resting spot for the HORRIBLE AND TERRIFYING ALL-POWERFUL DRAGON KING SMAUG!
If you live, I mean if you don't die, I mean once you're done with this totally safe task, you can find me exactly 500 square miles away at a quaint little coffee shop.
Since you probably won't be wanting anything hot for a long time, I'll have purchased you an orange/banana smoothie! After that, we'll head back to the Hobbit Hole and proceed with your next heroic task. This one is the most dangerous yet, so make sure to wear your adult diapers! Your final courageous act will be...to beat Bombur in a pie-eating contest!
Merely being in the same room as Bombur and pie is the most courageous thing you could ever do!
After this, you will have succeeded in gaining two of the traits needed to call yourself a true hero! Just two more to go and you'll be able to take my place as 'Hero of the Universe'! Speaking of, our next stop will take us out of our universe, and into...the Nintendo Universe!
I'll admit, even though I'm the most heroic, brave and handsomest guy in the world, I sometimes need some help every now and then. It hardly ever happens, but when it does, it's good to have the heroic trait of teamwork! To teach you to be a team player, we'll be using the TARDIS to journey to the Universe of Nintendo, where you'll help many Nintendo characters in completing their everyday tasks! And yes, all of your favorite Nintendo characters do in fact inhabit one shared universe. I heard it from a man in his late 20's whose sole job is making theory videos on YouTube; the most legit source there is out there.
Now to get to the NU, we'll need to gently shift gears and move at hyper-speed, we'll most likely be 10 to 15 years older than we were when we started the journey, due to lightyears and all that technical jazz. Be warned, rapid aging is extremely tiring; but on the plus side, its a perfect time to grow out that beard you've always wanted!
Once we arrive in the Nintendo Universe, we'll almost immediately get shot at by a couple of space pirates. Don't be alarmed, this is just your first teamwork test! We'll be working with Star Fox, a fox that is also a space mercenary for some reason, and Sandwich Aran, a space bounty hunter with an unfortunate first name! You'll be safe with them.
Hm? Oh no, I won't be on the TARDIS during this. I'll have used the only escape pod that we have. I know you'd want to stay on the ship as the space pirates fire at it with missiles, mortars and laser-beams...so you can learn teamwork. Anyway, after you're done with the space battle, we can land on Nintendo Planet and continue your heroic training!
Your next destination is the Mushroom Kingdom, where you'll be helping Mario with his every day task: Rescuing the Princess! And trust me, I am not exaggerating when I say that he does this every single day of his life! Princess Apple (or some fruit like that) has for some reason neglected to hire better security, and so she's been kidnapped by the evil tyrant Trouser! It's up to you, Mario and his admittedly cooler underdog brother Luigi to rescue her! Who knows, if you do good, you may just get a kiss from the Princess. Brag about that next time your friend boasts about going to Disneyland!
You'll have to journey through many different kinds of terrains! You'll be running through grasslands, deserts and snowy mountains before finally reaching Mouser's castle! Which oddly enough, is 70% lava.
After you've defeated Bowser and rescued the Princess...do it again. This happens at least twice a day. Maybe you'll have to fight Bowser's children this time. At least things will be shaken up a bit. All of his children are pretty mischievous, but watch out for Iggy! Iggy is the most maniacal of them all! But his music career is going pretty well.
Next we'll be going to another kingdom in the Nintendo Universe, the Kingdom of Hyrule! Hyrule is home to another Princess with a guilty pleasure of being kidnapped on the daily: Zelda. But her case is worse because unlike Peach, she's an expert in magic and martial arts, so really she shouldn't be getting kidnapped at all. But if that were the case, your next teammate would be out of a job!
Link! The 'Hero of Time'! Link here is the silent type, he literally says no words at all. Occasionally, he'll make a sound like "H-ya!" or "Gack!", but other than that, Link is mute. Your job however, isn't to help Link save the Princess, as Link had already defeated his nemesis, Hamondwarf a couple of days ago. So we've got a couple of weeks before he resurrects again and steals the Princess...again.
But for now, you'll be helping Link with a much different task. See, Link has an affinity for pots, specifically smashing them and taking the Rupees (Hyrulean money) inside of them. Your job will be to accompany Link as he goes on a madman's rampage throughout the kingdom, smashing every single pot you find! EVERY. LAST. ONE.
Now I'm sure you're wondering about the legal status of this endeavor. Don't worry! It is completely and most certainly legal! We're just going to do it at nightfall while everyone else is asleep because...pots smash easier at night?
Alright,after we've had our fun in Nintendo Land (pun intended, most of them are), we'll be ready to move on to our FINAL location!
Our next enticing heroic location is sure to be the most dangerous we've ever been to! A place full of danger, excitement and action! The final stop on your heroic journey is....Earth!
Yep, Earth. Just normal, regular, lovely Earth! With its blue sky, it's green plants, and its brown gigantic alien apes!
Yes, we're going to Earth, but an Earth incredibly different than our own! We're going to the Earth of the Dragon Ball Z universe!
This Earth is full of hazards, like dinosaurs, saber-tooth tigers and androids! It's as if the Ice Age met the dystopian future! You'll be facing these obstacles to gain your final heroic trait: strength/endurance! Technically that's two, but a hero can not have one without the other!
When we arrive on what I've dubbed 'Earth on steroids', we will meet my former student, Carrot!
He may not look much, but I've taught this guy everything he knows! He'll teach you how to outrun dinosaurs!
And lift over 1000 pounds!
You'll be taken to a zero gravity room, the lack of gravity will teach you to be swift and you'll build up your strength and stamina by trying to get at least one foot on the ground!
Then, the gravity will rise immensely, causing you to basically stick to the surface! You'll have to use everything in your power to stand up and stop face-planting the floor! Soon, with enough training, you could level your abilities up to their highest form! Under my intense training regimen, Carrot was able level up enough to become a legendary super saiyan!
I've chosen these lands from the many that I've visited because they are the lands of true heroes! They are lands full of magic, heroics, courage and wonder!
Hogwarts, a place of wonder and magic! With its mystical atmosphere and its beautiful setting! In this land, you're given a wand, something that is quite possibly the most dangerous thing you could ever give to anybody. It takes maturity and responsibility to wield such a weapon, and this land, with responsible wizards like my friend Tumbleweed, will teach you both!
Middle-Earth! This land is full of adventure! Any step could be your last, any man could be your killer! It takes courage to traverse across such a land; but if a small shut-in like Kilo Baggend can find the courage to take on a dragon, so could you!
The Nintendo Universe. What better a place to learn teamwork than the lands of our favorite childhood characters? Being a hero means getting a ton of glory; but what good is all that glory if no one is there to bask in it with you?! Teamwork is key to being a true hero!
Dragon Ball Earth: otherwise known as 'Oh my god, this whole world is like a danger magnet!" To be a hero, you need strength and endurance. But you're not just born with such traits, you learn them! You gain strength from your weakness, and endurance from...well the same thing I suppose. Anyway, if you don't fail, you can never succeed!
So please, come with me on this magical journey so that I can find a worthy successor, and finally go ice-fishing next to a half-frozen McDonalds!
You'll most certainly never be as great a hero as me, but at least you'll be someone I can hand my mantle over to! All you have to do is look for the special 'silver ticket' (I wanted gold, but that was trademarked apparently) inside boxes of Hero-O's, sponsored by yours truly!
Once you've got the ticket, that's your invitation! You can come along with me on the journey of your life! By the end of it, you'll be an epic hero, just like me! See you soon!
[Note: Mr. Awesome von Supercool is not actually a hero, nor is he awesome, and if anything he's mildly cool. He has also never been to any of these places, and does not own a TARDIS. He's just a weird guy who hangs around the sets of a lot of Hollywood productions. He stole the TARDIS prop from the Doctor Who set. Please do not accompany this man to anywhere.]