ByJoshua Forester, writer at

Last Christmas I bought my wife the entire Twilight Saga on DVD because she's a super fanatic. The problem with this plan is that I, being the wonderful husband that I am, was then bound to watch them with her...... the.... horror.

Ok, so before we start, let me just say that this review is for the MOVIES, not the books. I have not read the books (nor do I EVER plan to), and this critique is solely based on how the story and cinematics played out on screen..... and yeah, I'm sure a lot of this hate would fit for the books too, but again, we're just talking about the movies here. So with that, let us begin!

There were so many things about these films that just didn't work for me. I could go on for days, honestly, but here I'll just list some of the more glaring points.

1. Sparkles

Even HE doesn't look too happy about it.
Even HE doesn't look too happy about it.

There, I said it. Not sure what else has to be said. I mean, REALLY??? THAT'S how you choose to interpret why vampires can't go out in the sun? There is no better way to drain any and all testosterone from something as cool and awesome as bloodsucking vampires than to make them..... (*shudder*)..... sparkle.

2. Jasper's Story

That face just says "I don't know my story".
That face just says "I don't know my story".

So initially when Bella first meets Jasper, he can barely contain himself, and when she cuts her hand, he goes berzerk and Edward has to protect her from Jasper. But then later we learn that Jasper dates all the way back to the civil war and was recruited by another vampire to train her army because he had exceptional control over his emotions and urges..... ummm, what? How'd he go from cool and controlled to crazy and uncontrollable back to cool again? I know every story has continuity errors, but this one was just too important not to fix. If it played out differently in the book, then Hallelujah, but the film version of this story was just weird and inconsistent.

3. The "Love" Story

Pick. A. Guy.
Pick. A. Guy.

The whole narrative revolves around Bella and her bipolar love for Edward and Jacob. Does she love the nice vampire or the bad boy wolf? (*gag*) She claims she loves both of them with all her being, but that's just not plausible, nor is it something I can watch without a steady I.V. of pepto. If she really loved either of them half as much as she claimed, she wouldn't have such a battle going on because she would be devoted to THAT guy enough to look at the other and say "You know what, you're cute, but I love Hunkmuffin Number One so much that nobody else matters". All that aside, it just got aggravating to watch. Every five minutes she goes to a different fella. Both of these guys should've seen she had serious commitment issues and taken off running.

4. The Digital Kid

Why?..... Just..... why?
Why?..... Just..... why?

All right, this one might be the one I hate most. I get that they wanted the kid to grow fast and look like the same fast-growing baby the whole time, but making the kid's face digital for basically half the time the kid was on screen is just unacceptable, especially when the CG graphics are that bad! There is no way a skilled Hollywood makeup artist would not have been able to use makeup, prosthetics and LIGHT digital effects to make a couple different kids look the same. Then again, the rest of the series basically shows the fact that the filmmakers probably didn't have the budget for a halfway decent makeup artist, or even care to get one. Digital baby it is then!

5. Taylor Lautner

Don't talk. Don't blink. Don't cry.  Just don't.
Don't talk. Don't blink. Don't cry. Just don't.

This kid ruined every scene for me. Every one. The only reason he got the role was because he looked the part and looked ok with his shirt off. His voice cracked too much, he had a whiny tone ALL the time, and he couldn't act sad if you strangled his pet parakeet. His best acting was when he was in wolf form.... which is only because (SPOILERS) that thing wasn't even him. Thank you, Taylor, for making an already lousy franchise even worse.

Well, that's it for now. Like I said, I could on for SOOO much longer, but frankly it's time to wipe and go on with my day. Shout out in the comments if I missed YOUR most hated part!


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