Hello movie fans! I'm Tony, your self-proclaimed Exploitation Expert, and I've got some SIIIIIIIIIIICK content for you today! So, I here you want to start watching Exploitation flicks like a PRO! Good call folks! There's a HUGE wealth of awesome Exploitation movies out there, and it can be tough to navigate this super-charged sub-genre, but fear not! I'll be your guide into the jungle of low-budget hardcore X-rated flicks! Let's get rolling!
Step One: Hear About It From Someone
Exploitation flicks of the past weren't very well known, and although the release of the Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez collaboration known as Grindhouse has helped bring some notoriety to the sub-genre, most of the greats are difficult to track down. That means you need to go to social events with other movie fans and use good ol' word-of-mouth to find out about the killer flicks! A lot of my favorites like Cannibal Holocaust, Zombi 3, and Women's Prison Massacre were just random flicks people were raving about! This sub-genre thrives on cult-followings, and if you know which people to ask, you can find TONS of movies that are MORE FUN THAN HUMANS SHOULD HAVE! Or you can just Google "Exploitation Films" I guess, but that's not as fun! Plus, you won't be able to complete Step 3! Okay, onward and outward to the next step!
Step 2: Find A Copy Of The Film
This is often the toughest step in the program, as the majority of these movies were produced in small numbers, and often times the less-famous flicks only were printed on VHS tapes and as a limited release, making it extremely difficult to locate them. This is another situation where knowing people can help! I know what you're thinking. "But Tony, I can just order them online!" Yes, reader, you could do that, but are you willing to pay between $30-$35 for ONE MOVIE?! Okay, maybe you are, but it's more fun to build up a network of fellow exploitation fans to swap tapes with! The other great thing about these movies, especially the older ones, is that a TON of them can be found on YouTube! The Cannibal sub-genre is extremely well-archived on YouTube, which makes the hunt much easier. Seriously though, dust off that VCR player and get some tapes, because you'll feel WAYYYY cooler watching your contraband OLD SCHOOL!
Step Three: Get Some Buddies And Some Booze!
You've got your movie, your bros and brahs are ready, and the drinks are flowin'! The best way to experience an exploitation film is with an open mind, and whose mind is more open than someone with a couple drinks in their system? Exploitation flicks are often Uber-violent, containing a lot of nudity, blood, and guts galore, so you might need some liquor to avoid shock! Oh, and of course, there's the drinking games! I'll teach you one right now! Grab your 40 oz. of your chosen poison and follow my instructions TO THE LETTER! Unless you're at work right now, in which case you probably shouldn't have a 40 oz. bottle of liquor at your desk. I'm looking at you, Mark.
Where were we? Oh yeah, the drinking game! Follow meeeeeee!
Bonus Round: The Drinking Game!!!
For every movie and T.V. series, there is a drinking game that encapsulates the essence of the experience and drowns it in liquor. Luckily for us, exploitation flicks (and their trailers) are JAM-PACKED with opportunities to take shots! THIS LINK takes you to the most excellent Grindhouse trailer for Machete, the baddest Mexican ex-Federale around who's out for revenge! As you watch the trailer, follow these rules and prepare to cancel your appointments!
#1: Drink whenever you laugh at the low quality of the trailer.
#2: Take a shot when the narrator says something that should be on the movie poster!
#3: Drink when someone uses a one-liner!
#4: Take a shot when you see Danny Trejo wield a machete!
#5: Drink whenever there's an explosion, gunshot, or violent death!
I don't want you guys to die, so that's enough rules for now, but part of the fun of these movies is making these kind of games for them! By the way, Machete is a great place to start if you're new to the sub-genre!
Step Four: Tell ALL Your Friends About The Movie!!!
The best way to enjoy movies is to share and enjoy with your peeps! What's better than watching new movies with your buddies? Besides, you'd want them to tell YOU if they saw something RADICAL, right?! In the interest of spreading the sharing spirit, I'm going to start you off with a list of FIVE SIIIIIIICK FLICKS I love in the world of Exploitation Cinema! Oh wait, I ALREADY WROTE THAT ARTICLE! LUCKY YOU!
Now YOU are on your way to becoming a MASTER OF EXPLOITATION! Go forth and spread the X-Rated word, friends, for the world needs more ridiculous over-the-top awesome stuff!
I'm Tony, and thanks for checking this out! Don't forget to hit up my friendly profile page, or click one of the links below for some more quality Exploitation goodness!
Thanks again for reading, and as always, have a KILLER day! Muhuhahaha!