ByCJ A Glover, writer at
Aspiring writer/director, nerd, and American Otaku. Not a superstar writer, just a nice and passionate guy with a lot of ideas and opinions.
CJ A Glover

Today I learned that other people will almost always get you nearly killed. Doesn't matter who, if other people are around you in a potentially dangerous situation they will most likely get you nearly killed or all the way in certain cases. I don't mean the villain either, this is a third party that is either supposed to be on your side, or is a person you're helping that will definitely get you killed. Now this list that I'm about to go into isn't about annoying things that I'm tired of seeing in media, but rather the annoying people in universe that are most likely to get you killed.

The Hostage That Doesn't Run Away

So the bad guy is a little too much for you to handle, you decide to run and live to fight another day, at least you've managed to stall him long enough for the hostage to get away. No such luck however, because the hostage decided not to run away. This is usually for different reasons and they all usually suck. By hostage of course I mean anyone who is in danger and has to be rescued by the hero. Whether they're held hostage by a villain, or a fire, or on the side of a cliff. This particular picture is the reason why I decided to write this article. The samurai is holding off a giant monster while this kid sits there looking on in a corner instead of RUNNING AWAY!! How dim do you have to be not to just run away if you know there is nothing useful you can do. Remember kids if you can't fight the most useful thing you can do is run away, get out of danger.

The Hostage That Doesn't Help

This is one of those annoying people that decide not to run away but also are of no use. They're usually seen getting in the way, getting taken as a human shield or sitting in the corner crying. Now you can see in the clip this tiny little girl actually attempts to help Peter up. This tiny little girl is more helpful than most other people in media. This also happens in movies where the protagonist busts in and starts beating on the villain with multiple whores (literal whores not insulting women) around him who sit and scream instead of fleeing the room. You have to be proactive, be a part of your own rescue, help me help you.

The Gullible

This happens when a supporting character stops you from killing the bad guy the first time you get a chance because "they still see good in him". They almost always live to regret it as people begin to die in droves and you eventually lose friends that could have lived if the bad guy had died earlier. Which the bad guy usually dies by the end anyway probably by his own hands due to some stupid accident like cutting every vine except the one around his neck. Then even worse is when that character spends the rest of your time together lamenting on all the people they got killed due to stopping you.

There's also two major times this happens too. You're either given a mission to kill someone and the person with you who gave you the mission is actually related to them and will see the sweet faced person they once knew which will end up getting them killed usually; or the person you're trying to kill hung out with the person who stopped you before you guys fought and they seemed generally nice, giving some excuse for why they're killing people like "I just can't help it" or "I can't live with what I've done anymore I wish someone would just kill me" but the character thinks they can help them. They're horribly wrong and if they don't die they end up going on some foolish romp to kill the villain themselves while everyone else is asleep getting themselves captured.

Lying Quest Giver

This situation happens in one of two ways. One way is you're given a quest to go on to stop this bad guy and save the quest givers family only later to find out that they weren't exactly telling the whole truth. Maybe their family went willingly, maybe this villain has a lot more control than they made it seem. Maybe you're about to face off against a whole army protecting a castle and you only brought seven arrows and a sword. Maybe they tell you that the villain killed your dad so you fight him for revenge only to find out after you've killed him that he was actually your dad the whole time watching you through his creepy telescope in the apartment building across from yours.

The other way is that your boss sends you on this mission but doesn't really give you all the details. Maybe he's the actual villain in this story trying to cover up his involvement in crimes, or the girl you're escorting actually has the cure to this disease everyone is trying to cure and she's more important than you originally thought; maybe you were never supposed to make it out of this suicide mission.

The Escorts

Has there ever been a good escort mission? Of course not, because if they were actually useful you wouldn't be an escort you two would be partners. Half the time partners aren't that good either. Now I don't mean games like Resident Evil 4 which is pretty much just one big escort mission, not even the Last of Us because Ellie was more of a partner that you needed to help get somewhere. I mean the one mission out of the game, the times when someone is hurt and you have to carry them on your back while your crappy A.I. partner does literally nothing useful to help and this hurt person of course can't possibly use a gun. They never know how to open a door or move out of the way, and one shot usually kills them.

Escort missions are kind of horrible in everything though, not just games. Remember Sofia? She had one job, stay where she was at. If anything run towards where Rick was. Then there are the ones that are terribly afraid of everything, people are shooting and you tell them to run towards you but they sit there in fear, this is kind of like a long and even more annoying version of hostage that doesn't help. Nearly every time you escort someone they pull a clementine and disappear on you going to look for their parents or for some other reason usually ending with the person nearly dying trying to get them back.

People Who Are Less Prepared/Experienced Than You

Anybody who knows this scene knows exactly what I'm talking about. It's always the person who is less prepared for life than you are and they get scared. Then you end up almost dying because they couldn't hack it in a dangerous situation. I'd be a real asshole in a zombie apocalypse, if you can't run and you can't kill a zombie I'm sorry but I can't help you. The first time you endanger the group because you do something stupid that's it you're out. This can occur in any situation though, people are firing at a group and you tell the person to go to stay and provide cover fire while you run for the car, they're afraid you're going to leave them decide to go for the car first. What do they do? They fraking leave you. They always end up not getting very far due to karma or running into a tree or something. Some kind of way they end up dead or needing your help again.

The Scientist / The Curious

This isn't about the big "WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE!!" moment, this is about the scientist character who is so amazed by all the magnificent things that he is seeing that he completely ignores all danger around him. It's not an escort mission but rather the person in the group is so curious that they put curiosity ahead of the benefit of the group to get up close and personal with the danger in order to see what's going on. You always end up having to save them some kind of way whether it's forcefully dragging them to the car or knocking them out so they stop trying to grab the steering wheel so they can go back. They're the type of people who won't let you destroy something because of it's scientific benefits, a la the illusive man.

The Slutty Friend

This person always dies, like always. This is the girl who sees a random interesting looking guy and decides to hell with safety let's go back to his motel room and smoke some pot, or tell a guy we don't know from a foreign country we just got to where we're staying for the week. Do not trust your slutty friend. She makes bad decisions, and probably secretly hates you for being prettier than her. That happens just as much too actually, the slutty friend invites you to a party, drugs you, and sells you into slavery or some other crazy shit. Listen to her stories just make sure you're not in any of them. Also she might be a monster but that's more actually killing you than getting you killed.

You two should also be childhood friends, if you're in your junior year and the popular slutty girl decides to try to be friends with you and you're one of the more unpopular kids. Do not do it. It will almost always end in you nearly getting killed due to some extremely elaborate prank gone horribly wrong. Honestly with all the homework I got in high school I really don't see how they have the time to pull these elaborate plans off.

So those are the people almost guaranteed to nearly to get you killed pretty much across the board, books, movies, definitely video games. Think I missed an important unintentionally dangerous character? Tell me about it in the comments or go ahead and make your own post all about them.


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