Conspiracy theorists can spin madness out of any inane situation, so it's understandable how the colorful lives of celebrities push them into real batshit-crazy territory.
Let's face it, gossiping about the stars is fun, even if the tripe your babbling has no grounding in reality whatsoever. So, in the spirit of absurdity, let's examine the most mental celebrity rumors the Internet has dreamt up and stare in awe at the crazy of it all.
WAKE UP SHEEPLES!
Lorde is a 45-Year-Old Woman
Teenagers are incapable of writing insightful, interesting songs so the natural conclusion is that Lorde (real name Ella Yelich-O'Connor) is actually a 45-year-old woman, right?
That was the line of thinking of Internet conspiracy theorists anyway! This rumor started buzzing when Lorde made a few comments/references to her age in interviews and got tongues wagging that she was an impostor pretending to be a teenager so she would appear more talented.
In the end, The Hairpin purchased a copy of Lorde's birth certificate to prove once and for all that she is just a smart, creative young person who sometimes wears dark lipstick that makes her look older.
This rumor might sound totally insane, but people have faked their age to garner wunderkind prestige before.
The Felicity writer, Riley Weston, fooled the cast and crew that the was 18-year-old when she was actually in her 30s. She later revealed she lied to receive recognition for being a writing prodigy.
Megan Fox Has Been Replaced by Clones...Twice
There is a truly bizarre community of people lurking on the web that believe that celebrities are regularly replaced by government created clones. Alas, they haven't really come up with a batshit-crazy reason why the government would actually want to do that.
Megan Fox is a particular favorite for scrutiny and minute changes in her appearance are given as proof that the original Megan was scrapped and we are now looking into the cold "monarch programmed" eyes of Megan two and three.
A much more reasonable argument than aging and plastic surgery, obviously.
You can check out the forum here, but I warn you, it will take you a long time to leave because this level of absurdity is extremely addictive.
Shia LaBeouf Has Been Driven Insane By the Government for Knowing Too Much
Shia LaBeouf has been a bit cray cray over the past few years, but did you know it's because the government are hounding him because he knows too much about the NSA?
According to a band of conspiracy theorists, LaBeouf's homeless chasing, bag wearing, teeth pulling madness is a result of relentless surveillance and interrogation from the US government to try and keep Shia quiet and discredit him.
The rumor stems from a 2008 video of LaBeouf promoting the movie Eagle Eye where the 28-year-old actor claims that an FBI agent told him that one in five phone calls were recorded. Shia didn't believe him and he claims the agent played him one of his own phone calls from two years before.
At the time, nobody believed Shia's claims and thought he was exaggerating for a more dramatic and interesting story, but when Edward Snowden's revelations about widespread surveillance were made public, some people changed their minds. Of course, Shia spouts so much wild babble that he might have just gotten lucky.
Oprah and Bill Cosby Tore Dave Chapelle's Career to Shreds
Dave Chapelle's Comedy Central show was successful beyond anyone's wildest dreams, so when the comedian turned down $50 million to do another two seasons, the conspiracy theorists knew something was up.
Chapelle went to Africa to "reconnect with himself" and most people believe it was a combination of pressure and, as Chapelle said later, shame over "doing material that was funny, but was socially irresponsible" that made him leave the lucrative job.
Other people had very different ideas though, namely that Oprah and Bill Cosby had secretly destroyed Chapelle's career from the inside. Apparently the pair did not like the way Chapelle used racial slurs in his performances, even if it was to prove a satirical point, and went out to get him in a big way.
According to delusional babblers, Oprah and Bill Cosby joined forces with Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Whoopi Goldberg, and BET owner Robert L. Johnson to form an organization known as “the Dark Crusaders” (I wish I was joking).
As if that wasn't crazy enough, their ploy for getting to Chapelle is pure madness. Apparently a special version of Oprah's show featuring Tom Cruise was filmed where the chat show host breaks from interviewing Cruise to look into the camera and tell Chapelle he was "never going to work in Hollywood again." This doctored version was supposedly broadcasted directly into Chapelle's home using Johnson's network connections.
Sounds reasonable to me.
Jaden Smith Will Have His Penis Removed as a Birthday Treat
Known for his pseudo spiritual rants and eccentric capitalization, it's easy to believe that nothing is too off-the-wall for Jaden Smith... including hacking off his own wang on his 18th birthday.
This absolutely insane rumor stems from a report on a website named NAHA that stated Jaden was going to remove his member because he did not want it to define him. The report read:
"This is a decision I made on my own, but I hope this doesn't affect my parents decision to assist me with this financially," giggled Jaden when he revealed his eighteenth birthday plans.
Will Smith's son Jaden Smith, 16, made the announcement that he would have his male member removed on his eighteenth birthday, because in his words "My penis doesn't define me."
The story went viral when comedian D.L. Hughley shared it on Facebook, but seeing as it came from a satire website, Jaden's Smith is probably not in danger of a ceremonially severing.