People ask me all the time - "Evan, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" I politely reply back - "Why don't you ask your mom."
Did that comment have anything to do with zombies? Nope.
LET US BEGIN!
This is one of the most important rules and biggest mistakes in zombie apocalypse films. If the shit is about to go down you better live somewhere filled with plenty of guns (the only time when guns are like soft teddy bear best friends), grocery stores, mountains, rednecks, and women. So you can umm... Repopulate the Earth!
Something that I think Zombie movies don't take that seriously are locations because being stuck in a state that's just flat is going to suck. You want to live in an environment that has a lot of high points like mountains and large hills. Large flat, wide, open terrain will end in utter disaster. You better head for the hills, son!
Here is a list of states that would be perfect to live in during a Zombie apocalypse and you have a fighting chance:
• Alaska - It's cold as Frosty the Snowman's snowballs! Plenty of gun owners, least gun restrictions, large amount of military personnel, and people in Alaska are used to running away from bears, wolves and moose... Slow moving corpses ain't nothing to an Alaskan.
• Colorado - Do you know how big that state is? Known for incredibly fit people. So many mountains and land to live on while you kill the undead from miles away... Simply, beautiful.
• Wyoming - Because it's Wyoming. Type in "Wyoming" on Google Images such a gorgeous place with beautiful mountains.
• Idaho - "You're the hoe!"
• New Mexico - It's a hit or miss type of place. New Mexico is very dry which can cause problems for water shortage.
Join or create your own survival group:
Now this is optional and not mandatory- Here are a few reasons why you should be in a group.
Two hands are better than one- Reasons why being in a group is good!
During a zombie apocalypse you're going to need all the help you can get so don't be shy. When you're in a group you have a much higher chance of survival and greater security. Also, there's the intimidation factor when you're part of a group, especially if it's a large group. Not many bandits or cannibals will try to harm you if they see you with a group of 15 other survivors all carrying weapons. If you don't like being alone, then a group is the best thing for you because it creates a sense of family and camaraderie.
Your hands are full- Reasons why being in a group sucks!
Being in a group may sound like a walk in the park, but you're sadly mistaken. Of course, there are awesome pros when you're in a group and there are a lot of cons... The biggest issue in a group is too many mouths to feed, which can cause serious problems - food and water shortages fairly quickly. Easier targets. I did say that there is an intimidation factor while traveling in a group, but I didn't say anything about zombies being intimidated. Most times groups of 5 and up do more harm than good in a zombie apocalypse. A higher chance of betrayal! No matter who it is friends, family or complete strangers... You have no idea how people are going to react in these stressful situations.
Another terrible thing about groups are the stragglers and carrying dead weight. With so many different personalities within a group you're looking at unnecessary drama and that's the last thing you need during a (mother-flipping) zombie apocalypse!
Example of unnecessary drama during the zombie apocalypse:
Survivor 1: "Who ate my chocolate bar? I know one of ya'll punks ate my Captain Nutty-Bar!"
Survivor 2: "Ain't nobody want your stinking Nutty-Bar."
... Or just travel in a pair. Less drama, less people, less mouths to feed, closer relationship and trust.
Morgan Freeman vs. Zombies:
You can't have a great zombie movie without Morgan Freeman as your personal narrator and perhaps a badass zombie-killing buddy? Imagine Morgan Freeman narrating his story. This story is all taking place during a zombie apocalypse. It would go something like this-
Freeman's VO (Voice Over):
"It's a splendid summer afternoon in Fruit Roll-Ups, New Mexico-Tokyo. I, Morgan (badass) Freeman am on a quest to restore mankind, one sperm at a time. Yes, it will be a difficult journey, but nevertheless I must push forward because... I. Am. The Freeman.
I remember when the virus broke out as if it was yesterday. I, Morgan (sexy chocolate) Freeman was just your average mega-movie star living in Hollywood, California when the virus broke out. At the time I was playing with my Maltese, Skittles or Lil' Morgan for short. Oh, those were the days where did the time go? I miss you Skittles and your sweet-sweet rainbow kisses. Daddy will see you soon. For now, heaven will have to wait for, I Morgan (that cool Black guy in movies narrating) Freeman must restore humanity!"
[Morgan hears a noise in the bushes]
"Who goes there? Are you friendly? I don't want to shoot I just want to restore humanity, one sperm at a time. Come on out now, don't be scared."
[A frail pale man comes from out of the bushes]
"Please, I mean no harm sir."
[Morgan stares at the man and slowly reaches for something in his back pocket. The man starts to panic and begs for mercy.]
"No, no, no! Not this way, sir!"
[Morgan pulls out an apple from his back pocket and hands it to the man]
"Here you go poor creature. I have no quarrels with you. I am simply a man looking to change the world in this God forsaken apocalypse... One sperm at a time."
[Morgan walks away to continue on his quest to restore mankind. The man yells out a question for Morgan.]
"Who are you?!"
[Morgan whispers to the man]
"I'm Morgan (Mothaf**king) Freeman."
[A random explosion goes off in the background killing the frail man and Morgan's theme song comes on as he walk off into the sunset]
Ok, guys. I apologize about this random article, but I have no idea where to go from here because I became completely sidetracked with my Morgan Freeman side story. All I can say is this- Have good cardio, plenty of water, food and weapons during a zombie apocalypse. If you have all four key components, then you'll be alright... Maybe.
Anyways, sweet dreams!