Hello, future evil-doers! So, you want to be a villain, do you? When it comes to being bad, there's the easy way, and there's the proper way. I'm here to teach you the latter. As a truly warped maniac, I have the experience and knowledge required to guide you down the path of evil. Whether you serve the Dark Side of the Force, some evil spirit, or just your own sense of injustice, I have the GUIDE FOR YOU! How about some music to get you in the mood? THIS'LL make you feel B-B-B-BAD!
Step One: Get Motivated
No matter what you can do on and off the battlefield, ALL villains must have a goal of some type. Perhaps you're the type who just wants to be rich and/or famous. Maybe you're on some holy (or, more likely, unholy) mission from the gods to bring forth chaos and death on a grand scale? Maybe you're just going for the record of killing the most heroes in one lifetime? Whatever the case, you MUST come up with a goal before you commit to the path of evil. If you can't find something to obsess about, you'll NEVER be an effective villain. Need proof? Look at DARTH VADER! I'm a HUGE Star Wars fan (May the Fourth be with you, by the way), but he had one massive flaw: Lack of motivation. What was Vader's primary goal? Whatever the Emperor said, basically. Talk about weakness of character! He even got CONVERTED TO GOOD right before he died! Remember, being a villain means NEVER compromising. A true villain would never be emotionally compromised. That being said, if Darth Vader was a GREAT villain, he would have killed the Emperor already, which leads to my next point...
Step Two: NEVER Bow to Anyone
As a villain, there are many forces that stand in your way. After you have established your lofty goals, you must release yourself from any binding elements which may hold you back. The first, and most difficult to avoid, is subservience. It may seem wise to live under the tutelage and rule of a master initially, but every apprentice soon finds that they are being held back by their overlords. Don't put yourself in a position of weakness via honor or willing servitude. If you are trained by someone, do not be indebted to them. Do not cling to the tenants of the weak. Instead, strike down those who oppose you. If someone gives you all their strength through training, they are fools, and should be destroyed. Remember, if you open yourself up to servitude, you weaken your personal power and resilience. The only times you should serve are when such acts will further your own ends. That is the second step toward becoming a villain. But what comes after?
Step Three: Identify Your Strengths
Every true villain has at least one extraordinary feature. For some, their physical strength is unmatched. For others, their intellect is superior. There are even villains who possess abilities which could be considered supernatural. Before you can even begin your villainous ways, you must identify your powers and weaknesses. Experiment with what you know. Delve deep into your family and personal history to discover clues about the origins of your prowess. Once you ascertain the innermost facts about yourself, only then will you be able to hone your abilities and conquer. However, a villain is only as powerful as their vulnerabilities, and therefore you must also recognize and disguise your weaknesses. So many villains with potential are killed or incarcerated because they don't understand their own weaknesses. DO NOT make the same mistakes as so many before you.
Step Four: Cut Off All Ties
The path of a villain is difficult and painful, and one of the key steps to take along this path is leaving your friends and family behind. This is something many villains take for granted and ignore, and it is among the more deadly flaws to have. Compassion and ties lead to the potential for weakness. If you are concerned with others, you are not as concerned with your own success. For many of you, this will be the most daunting step. Numerous villains are unable to fully embrace this choice, and remain attached to certain close relationships. However, if you look at key examples such as Lex Luthor's attachment to Lois Lane and Harry Osborn's attachment to his late father, you will find that these emotions cloud good judgment and draw their attention away from the truly important battles. I can understand how some of you will have difficulty with this, and a villain's life is not for everybody.
Step Five: Build An Army
EVERY successful villain has some sort of mobilized force of loyal fighters, and for good reason! No matter how powerful you may be alone, NOBODY can take on the entire world own their own. That's why villains have minions, henchmen (or henchwomen), and underlings. If you want to wage war against the forces of good, you need a force of warriors to command. Almost any type of fighter will work, as long as they are strong and numerous. I personally suggest a legion of robotic soldiers or humans who are trained from birth, as they are the least susceptible to outside influence and are the most resilient in battle, but even having control of a large street gang will serve your purposes for a time. I prefer to have political underlings and puppet leaders under my command, as they can make world-altering moves without firing a bullet. Get yourself some minions, future villains! Besides, you need someone to take the pain from heroes before you can warm up/get into your battle suit/whatever your preparation ritual may be!
Step Six: REMAIN ANONYMOUS
Above all, the path of villainy is beset on all sides by the misguided morals of the heroes and the tyranny of the powers that be. One must stay steeped in shadows if one is to ascend through the ranks of evil and wreck havoc on the established order. DO NOT reveal yourself to the public if you can help it! It may be tempting to override the international news broadcasts and proclaim your sovereignty on the world stage, but BELIEVE ME when I say that is a fool's errand. The best way to avoid being caught or killed is to never be known. If you do go out and fight personally, cover your features with armor or a mask or something, and DO NOT wear an easily distinguished costume! Wear something commonly seen in your place of residence. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Other than following the laws. When you're finished with them, it will be YOU who decides what is or is not law. Stay hidden to stay powerful and alive. Even an immortal can be immobilized if his/her identity is compromised.
YES YOU ARE! With these helpful guidelines and a lot of determination, YOU TOO can become a feared and respected villain! Just don't get in MY path of world domination and we'll be fine! That's all for today, so thanks for reading, evildoers, and have a KILLER day! Muhuhahaha!