Hello Pilots! After reading the Facebook post which shall henceforth be known as "The Simpson Act", I was inspired, along with many others who frequently post here, to unmask myself and reveal my truly villainous side to my most excellent followers and readers! The man you think you know, Tony Announces, is my Secret Internet Identity, but the real me is far too fearsome to show in a mere still photo. Despite this, I will endeavor to describe my powers and motivations, and spur you all to do the same! In a world where good battle evil for supremacy, only those who stride confidently will succeed! Without further ado, let me give you a DEMONSTRATION OF MY POWER
In opposition to the so-called "Heroes" who unite under the banner of S.H.A.D.O.W (Semi-Heroic And Doomed Overzealous Writers, I think) stands a number of villains of IMMENSE power, and a few who work in the shadows, manipulating the events of the globe to our own ends. I am one of the latter, but my history is expansive and beyond the scope of mere words. When this article is over, you will cower in fear at the terror that is Tony Announces, or, as I am known in other parts of the world, "The Obscurity King". I'll turn the clock back first, and delve into my dark beginnings as a true villain. Let's begin.
Back in the Dark Ages, circa 465 A.D., in the tattered ruins of a Swedish village, a small boy was born to the wife of a warrior. The birth had been traumatic, and in the midst of a brutal skirmish, the baby had been stolen by a young man whose name is lost to time's ebb and flow. The man raised the boy as a swordsman, and when he came of age, the man and his adopted son trekked to raze the homes of their rival clan. During the battle, over 100 men were slain by the pair, and it is said that the entire clan was wiped from existence on that bloody day. One woman survived the massacre, a student of black magic, and she summoned the souls of her fallen friends to kill the father. The witch then cursed the boy to roam the earth eternally, unable to die or bear children. Without a word, the boy slashed her through the heart and destroyed all remnants of the undead warriors who murdered his father. I was that boy, all those years ago, and I donned my father's armor, ravaging and pillaging all those who crossed my path for over 240 years, crossing the fjords and oceans in search of a purpose.
Somewhere along my path of death and destruction, I met a young knight in battle. His name was Sir Lancelot of the Round Table, and he was a most valiant warrior. We fought for five hours before finally he landed a thrust into my neck. When I was not felled by this strike, the knight knew who I was, and he knelt before me. In a moment of weakness, I spared his life and allowed him to take me to his king, Arthur of the Britons. It is here that history, or fables now, I suppose, would deviate from true events. I sparred with King Arthur and found Excalibur's wielder to be quite proficient, for a mortal man. For over three days, the battle raged, until his body gave out and I took his head. That was the first time I killed a true hero. It was also the first time I became a king. Our duel had been witnessed only by the Knights of the Round Table, and I convinced them to keep his death a secret so that I may rule over them as Arthur.
For decades I reigned, until I grew weary of the English and faked my death, taking on a new name and emigrating to Japan. I became a warrior there too, known as Shinokeshin, or "Death Incarnate". Over the course of a few more centuries, I had mastered the fighting styles of two distinct cultures, and decided that it was time to set my sights higher. I studied the teachings of wise men and historians, becoming learned in a vast array of disciplines and sharpening my mind. I also discovered the key to true power.
All those who wish to be evil should take heed. NEVER expose yourself, and nobody can defeat you. Instead, if ruling is your goal, establish puppet regimes throughout your kingdom. Work in the shadows. Not everyone can be immortal, but everyone can be untraceable. I digress. When the Americans and their capitalist values invaded Japan and destroyed the way of the warrior, I emigrated to Canada. For a time, I lived among various tribes, using chiefs as my envoys and waging glorious campaigns, until the Europeans with their weapons and plagues came across the Atlantic Ocean and ravaged the land. Even I could not stand against them without exposing myself, so I quietly abandoned my home and worked through the ranks of the new order. Meanwhile, I funded certain parties with the wealth I had amassed, that they may serve my dark goals. I plan to rid the world of all "heroes" so that I may finally rule the world without opposition. There will be no war. There will be no conflict. There will be no famine nor any corruption of the ruling class. There will only be those who serve, and those who die.
What are my powers that make me a REAL villain? My most important power is my immortality. I've been stabbed, sliced into pieces, blown up, melted, frozen, and drowned, but thanks to the curse of that ancient witch, I can never die. I've been alive for over 1500 years and have been training mentally and physically all my life. I may not be able to fly or teleport, but I can stand toe-to-toe with just about anybody and come out on top. I also have a vast network of subordinates who take care of the majority of my business, and the financial means to purchase anything I could ever want or need. However, I have one weakness. If I'm mortally wounded, I must take time to recover. Sometimes it takes a day, other times it can take up to six months, but during that time, I cannot live at my normal capacity. That's why I'm undercover as an Internet writer, and not a full-time super villain! In any case, thank you for reading this. If you feel the urge to mold the world as I do, apply to the Masters of Evil organization, of which I am a founding member. We endeavor to rid the world of all war and weapons, and rule it with an iron, but just, fist. PEACE through POWER. POWER through WILL. WILL through STRENGTH. We are the Masters, and we shall rule.
To all the "heroes" who answer the call for #SuperCreators, I extend to you a challenge. I challenge you to a duel for control of the website and the world. We Masters of Evil are not to be trifled with. Bend the knee to the King of Obscurity or be destroyed. To the readers who have made it this far, prepare yourselves for more exciting movie content. Oh, and as always, have a KILLER day! Muhuhahaha!