Stumped on your next big article? Need some inspiration? Your Muse stand you up, leaving you alone at a coffee shop drinking your seventh cup of coffee watching other writers typing merrily on their laptops while you attempt to stare them into submission?
I bet THOSE writers don’t know about THIS article! We here at PilotLight have created a simple yet profound formula for creating high quality, original content that you will never get tired of! Follow these five easy steps and you’re sure to rake in the views!
Step 1: Copy Something from Tumblr Word for Word.
It’s silly to write original content—other people on the Internet have already done that for you! All you need to do is vomit it all back up in reworded sentences that are exponentially worse, and it’s technically not plagiarism. And if it’s fan art you’re posting, be sure to label every single picture with a bad joke describing what the picture is—otherwise how could the readers possibly tell?! Trust me, it’s pretty gratifying to find that the article you clicked on is just a shittier version of something you’ve read before.
Step 2: Misconstrue Sides of an Argument.
Don’t just try to offend your readers—leave them frustrated, confused, and regretting every second they spent on your nonsensical article. Provide as much misinformation as you can, use arguments that have to be forced to make even the slightest amount of sense, and always take a really strong side with a neutral remark towards the end so it doesn’t seem like you’re quite as much of a jerk. (Note: this can also be done in comments).
Step 3: Body Police
Criticizing the maybe revealing outfits of female celebrities is one of the BEST way to get clicks! You just need a sentence like “[Actress] takes her clothes off!” or “[Actress] gets naughty AND takes her clothes off!” to do it. The best part? Her clothes don’t even need to be off! There’s no woman you should be above slut shaming--all of the time forever--if it gets you your daily allotment of views.
Step 4: Alter the Title to Optimize with Search Words
Don’t be content with just following the above steps—there are more ways to crush what might remain of your integrity! Ridiculous levels of clickbait is sweet to swallow and easy to do. And don’t stop at titling your articles “What they DIDN’T want you to know!” or “ACTRESS DID WHAT?” Bait up the descriptions! It’s pretty easy…in fact, all you need to do is add a few ellipses…because that indicates real thought and emotion…and then maybe...an exclamation mark at the end to indicate excitement or surprise! SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS? It’s definitely how a real person with real feelings communicates, and not an obvious marketing persona.
Step 5: POLLS