ByTony Nelson, writer at
Tony Nelson


This is the story of the now-legendary Stormtrooper who bonked his head in the original Star Wars movie. ( I have no idea what his name is, so I'm just going to call him Delta 855. I wonder if anyone will catch that reference ;)

Delta 855 was never just an ordinary trooper. He was the best of the best. A 20-year veteran, he had served with the 501st as Darth Vader's personal legion. His dedication was matched only by his unparalleled bravado. During the attack on the Jedi Temple towards the end of the clone wars, he was ambushed and his rifle was cut in half by a Jedi knight. Undeterred, he drew his blaster pistol and tried to gun down his target. The Jedi easily sliced off his arm and kicked him down a flight of stairs before returning into the shadows. Any other trooper would accept defeat and seek medical attention. Delta 855 pulled himself to his feet and charged up the stairs. When he reached the top of the stairs, he saw the Jedi duck into the council room. He pulled a thermal detonator off his belt and hurled it into the room. The explosion shook the entire temple. Smoke blanketed the premises and for a moment, all was silent. Then, out of the rubble rose a gigantic, 300-foot-tall, robot Jedi mecha!

The Jagged Elemental Defense Ipod 420 (JEDI 420)

Delta's first thought was, "How the hell did that fit in there?" but it was quickly replaced by, "Holy crap, I'm about to die!" A giant lightsaber vaporized a path through the temple, creating a massive fissure in the structure. The floors of the temple collapsed inward, drawing everything within towards the giant empty void caused by the gigantic laser sword. Delta whipped out his combat knife and rammed it into the floor to keep himself from sliding any further. The knife caught in a crack between two slabs of concrete. For the moment, he was safe. However, he was still in much danger due to the presence of a giant war machine of death and destruction. A split-second later he realized this as he felt his body simply cease to be. He had always wondered what it would be like to die. As the ridiculously over-sized blade cut through his body, he felt a sharp, searing pain. Then, all the stresses of life were gone; he felt peace as his temporal soul started to float upwards.

Stormtrooper in Angel Form

but, rather than ascending to Stormtrooper heaven, he heard a voice call out to him, "Take this, and destroy your enemy!" Suddenly, a giant mecha materialized around Delta and his physical body revitalized itself with all his limbs restored!

The X501 MechTrooper

His mecha dropped from the sky, fists clenched, wound up and ready to smash the Jedi's machine to pieces. Time slowed as his energized fists made contact with the jedi bot. Delta watched as shrapnel erupted from the damaged area. A transmission came in through the console, "There are intruders in the prison block! All units respond!"

That's when Delta 855 came down from the Hoth Ice Mushrooms he was tripping on. He immediately panicked. "Nothing ever happens here on the Death Star!" he thought to himself. His commanding officer, Echo 314 pulled a needle out his arm. "I just shot you up with the antiserum; you'll be back to normal in a couple of minutes. Grab your gun and lets go!" Echo moved on to Bravo 166 and repeated the procedure. "If Vader finds out about this, you better hope that he chokes you to death before I get my hands on you. Got it?" Bravo was the local dealer, so he was ready to rock the moment he was on his feet. This was Delta's very first time though. He had heard that the antiserum was horrific the first couple of times you had to take it, but he had no idea just how bad. He stood up and made his way to the arms locker. He checked the magazine to make sure it had a full charge. As he examined it, his vision violently blurred and he felt his world start to spin. He closed his eyes and braced himself on the wall. When he opened them he was standing in front of a closed door with Echo, Bravo, and three others from another team. Echo slammed his fist into the manual override and the door sprung open. Echo took point and led the sweep. Barely conscious, Delta blindly marched forward--straight into the bottom of the partially open door. "I really hope no one saw that," he groaned to himself as he readjusted his helmet.



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