ByKit Simpson Browne, writer at Creators.co
Writer-at-large. Bad jokes aplenty. Can be gently prodded on Twitter at @kitsb1
Kit Simpson Browne

(Note: Large, faintly sexual SPOILERS for Avengers: Age of Ultron lie below)

Now, with all the controversy over the past few weeks, you may well have begun to imagine that the entire Avengers: Age of Ultron cast is enormously preoccupied with whether or not their characters are sleeping with one another - even more so than the rest of us are.

In actual fact, though, they have a fairly surprising set of sex lives to be preoccupied with - ones ranging from almost constant coitus all the way through to de-facto celibacy.

And, so - because if there's one group of celebrities it's definitely OK to display an unhealthy amount of interest in the sex lives of, it's probably fictional characters - here's our close look at just what The Avengers have been getting up to beneath the sheets (or, in Tony's case, pretty much everywhere).

First up:

Captain America

Yup, you, Cap.
Yup, you, Cap.

Well, on the one hand, he and Peggy Carter definitely got to the 'we would like to have sex with each other, someday, if that fits in with the military's plans to invade Germany' stage that so many couples go through (no, wait, that doesn't sound right...).

"1940s problems, amiright?"
"1940s problems, amiright?"

On the other hand, they definitely didn't actually consummate that particular desire. Similarly, though Cap and (probably) Sharon Carter definitely had some meet-cutting going on, the odds of them actually having slept together are pretty slim.

Not least because she was busy protecting his life.
Not least because she was busy protecting his life.

All of which suggests (as we've discussed at length elsewhere) that there's a very good chance Cap is actually still a virgin.

Or, at the very least, seriously awkward about the whole thing.

Hawkeye

Not that he's smug or anything.
Not that he's smug or anything.

A comparatively easy one, this, after the revelations of Avengers: Age of Ultron.

Being a good dude, and having been married for what seems to have been a pretty long time, there's a very good chance that the only person Clint has slept with in the last decade or so is his wife, as played by Linda Cardellini.

Seen here while not appearing in the MCU.
Seen here while not appearing in the MCU.

Which, for anyone who grew up watching Freaks and Geeks, is also known as 'winning at life.'

Black Widow

"Because that's what you get."
"Because that's what you get."

One person Hawkeye has almost certainly never slept with, though (not matter what unwise comments Jeremy Renner makes) is Black Widow - who similarly has almost certainly never done the undercover boogaloo with Captain America.

The reason? They're all just friends (who happen to be super good-looking, which is why we all keep imagining them having sex with each other).

OK, maybe not right now.
OK, maybe not right now.

Now, Bruce Banner on the other hand, Natasha may well have gotten a whole lot more intimate with - but seeing as we didn't see it happen on screen, there's just as much chance that their relationship never managed to get much further than furtive hand-holding and awkward discussions about their (Gamma-radiation-filled) future together.

Thor

With his magical glowing hammer in hand.
With his magical glowing hammer in hand.

Now, Thor - being the Norse God of Thunder - will almost certainly have had sweaty, mead-drenched naughty fun-times with a whole lot of people - quite possibly from a variety of different realms, genders, species' and levels of giant-ism. There's also a decent chance that he and the lady Sif have had some interesting post-battle discussions about exactly what Thor should have done with his hammer.

It may have been "stick it up his arse."
It may have been "stick it up his arse."

The only character we can be reasonably sure he has, in fact, slept with, though, is his Midgardian-love, Jane Foster - what with them seemingly having spent a whole lot of time getting reacquainted in Asgard.

Also, because they were both SUPER into each other.
Also, because they were both SUPER into each other.

Though since things don't seem to be going too well, it's entirely possible that they were a whole lot less compatible than Chris Hemsworth's glistening abs may suggest.

The Hulk

Hulk Express Sexual Frustration.
Hulk Express Sexual Frustration.

Now, on the one hand, there seems to be a pretty good chance that Betty Ross and Bruce Banner were once pretty physically intimate - but that was before Banner became the Hulk, and there's also a pretty good chance that Bruce has been celibate ever since.

Possibly because Steven Tyler threatened to solo.
Possibly because Steven Tyler threatened to solo.

Which isn't why they're not together (the giant green rage-monster he transforms into when he stubs his toe or doesn't get a reservation is surely a bigger factor), but that probably doesn't make either of them feel any better about it.

Iron Man

YES, Tony. It's your turn.
YES, Tony. It's your turn.

So, the big surprise so far? Most of the Avengers are most likely getting a whole lot less action than you'd probably imagine to look at or meet them.

Except, of course, for Tony Stark.

Who spent most of the Iron Man films either hooking up with (and then disappointing) reporters...

We can only assume.
We can only assume.

...Somehow getting together with Dr. Maya Hansen...

Who it didn't really work out for in the end.
Who it didn't really work out for in the end.

...and flirting (and presumably sleeping) his way through half the world, before eventually persuading Pepper Potts to make the clearly unwise decision to go out with him on a full-time basis.

Unwise may be an understatement.
Unwise may be an understatement.

Or, in other words? If any of the Avengers cast feel the need to refer to one of their cast members' characters as a 'slut' when it comes time to promote Captain America: Civil War, it probably ought to be Tony Stark, circa Iron Man. Literally no other hero in the MCU seems to fit the bill.

And, finally:

The New Guys

There're jokes that could be made about Quicksilver finishing faster than any man alive, but I think it's probably best that we leave those well enough alone.

More importantly, we've not actually seen anywhere near enough of Scarlet Witch, Quicksilver or The Vision to know whether or not they have any kind of active sex life - though it's possibly worth noting that in the mainstream Marvel comic-book universe, Scarlet Witch and Vision got married, and even had (admittedly magical, and ultimately fictional) kids. Plus, far more creepily, in the Marvel Ultimate comic-book universe, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver routinely did the horizontal incest tango - which went down...poorly with most comic-book fans.

On the plus side, though, there's probably a good chance we'll see precisely none of that in the MCU.

What do you think, though?

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