ByChristina Tenisha Small, writer at Creators.co
Fangirl, Cat Lady, all round NERD! follow me for all your fangirl/fandom/YA nonsense!!..ssshhh I have fangs Twitter = @MizzSeychellois
Christina Tenisha Small

Fifty Shades of Grey, a series of books that originally started out as Twilight Fanfiction, had its debut as a Hollywood movie, this time last year. Centering around Bella and Edward - Sorry, I meant Ana and Christian, the film follows their time together as Christian leads the Virginal and impressionable Bella, into a world very unlike her own.

I mean Ana. Sorry. Edward leads Ana - nope, Christian leads Bella, no, no, no,

Christian leads Ana.

There. I knew I'd get it eventually.

I got there eventually folks.
I got there eventually folks.

Anywhoo, I count myself as a pretty big Twilight fan (though I do often make fun of it, as I watch it now with adult eyes, and not teenage angst), so recently sat down to see what all the fuss was about with this Fifty Shades business. I did read around quarter of the actual book, but stopped for fear that it was actually affecting my intelligence and IQ levels.

I tend to live update on my Facebook when I watch TV Shows and Movies, so I've picked my very best status updates from when I was watching for a reaction to almost every moment. For your entertainment of course.

Here are 13 thoughts + Extra's I had whilst watching "Fifty Shades of Grey" starring some innocent plain looking Brunette as Ana Cullen, and a tall, dark and handsome man, with a terrible accent as Edward Grey.

1. Props for the opening music. That was a tune lmao

Annie Lennox provided the opening music for the film, with "I put a spell on you". A very good start. Had me singing along and everything.

2. OMG IS JAMIE WHATSIT KEEPING HIS NORMAL ACCENT. I CAN'T DEAL IF HE'S KEEPING HIS ACCENT. I'M NOT EMOTIONALLY READY!!

Christian Cullen
Christian Cullen

Jamie Dornan, the Northern Irish Actor responsible for bringing Edward Grey to life, is Northern Irish. He naturally has a Northern Irish accent, and when he speaks, he sounds Northern Irish.

Did I mention that he's Northern Irish?

3. Wait what is actually happening with his accent? I got excited I think he's just doing a sh*t accent. That's not hot. Sort it out.

Are you Northern Irish, Christian Cullen? Are you American? Are you perhaps both?

4. Yeah, no, this is just a really sh*t accent.

Why do movies always allow this crap? Is no-one listening to the actors as they act. HIS ACCENT IS SLIPPING, IT'S NOT BELIEVABLE. SORT.IT.OUT.

5. "Just Ana", "Just Bella" Dear god help us all it's a direct rip off. Like really bad Twilight porn. Not even porn. Just Sexy Twilight. Wannabe Sexy Twilight.


Bella Steele and Ana Swan
Bella Steele and Ana Swan

I guess we can give Ana props for having a little more expression on her face? I mean, her face kind of looks like that throughout the film though, so....

6. As if she was about to be run over and killed by a man on a bicycle. Get a fu*king grip mate.

This was the first in about 3 or 4 scenes set up purely to make Christian Cullen look like a hero. The second was a "threat" from her friend, Jose Jacob Black, a friendzoned were-photographer, who is clearly in love with her, he tries to tell her how he feels outside a club, and Edward Grey rolls up in his shiny Volvo and tells him "She said NO" making the situation into something it wasn't, so that he looks all heroic and chivalrous.

Poor Jacob.
Poor Jacob.

Stupid, considering the type of character he's supposed to be.

7. At least Edward saved Bella from legitimate threats.

Here we see Isabella Marie Steele.
Here we see Isabella Marie Steele.

You know like a tracker Vampire, possible rape, being hit by a speeding car, being drained and killed by his "brother" - Jasper, being killed by the Volturi, you know. REAL threats.

8. "If you were mine you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week."

Huh?
Huh?

Well damn, let the girl eat her garden burger before you come in with that. Sh*t.

9. This film is worse than cringe why did none of ya'll warn me?

Admittedly, a few friends did warn me. Last year. BEFORE it came out. I should've listened to them. Oh, how I should've listened.

10. Why don't you play Bella's lullaby like Edward did mate, go on. Serenade her with your music, why don't you?

Oh. You actually did it. I'm gonna be honest, this is...a little awkward. I didn't think you'd do it.

11. Lol this could've gone in a very different direction if his red room had an Xbox. A better direction. It would've gone in a better direction.

Maybe it's secretly a virtual reality gaming room?
Maybe it's secretly a virtual reality gaming room?

12. "Everything okay with the phonecall?"

No, she's been shot in the ear with a purple dart that's slowly turning her into a unicorn, from the inside out. Of course everything's fu*king okay. Jesus mate. Way to be ALL up in her business.

13. OH HE WON'T TAKE YOU TO THE MOVIES, IT'S NOT HIS "THING", BUT HE'LL TAKE A ROMANTIC WALK IN THE WOODS WITH YOU ON A BEAUTIFUL SUMMERS DAY THO, WON'T HE. AND THEN KISS YOU EVER SO FREAKING GENTLY.

Jesus, take the wheel. Christian Cullen doesn't even know what kind of character Edward Grey is supposed to be. Ugh.

***** EXTRAS!! ******

"I don't do romance."

Really? Are you sure? How do you define romance, because, uh...well, that all looks pretty romantic dude. Just saying.

"My tastes are very singular."

Are they though? I mean, really? ARE THEY? She googled submissive. She's probably seen more "singular" on the internet than with you mate, let's just be honest.

"Necrophilia's not my thing."

Well she wasn't dead, so....it wouldn't have been necrophilia anyway. Also way to up the creep level bringing up sex with dead bodies. You're doing a brilliant job bro.

Conclusion.

Fifty Shades of wack. You're actually better of watching Twilight. No, seriously you are. Or, you know, porn. For a movie based upon a book written by a woman, and from a womans perspective, there's a curious lack of male nudity. Ana's naked every two seconds, but Grey? Not a chance. Way to go sexism. And to think, a woman actually directed this crap. Well done love, well done.

Not only is this film bland, it's stale. Stale, boring and tiresome to watch as you constantly wait for something to happen and then realise, nothing actually is. I'm struggling to see a beginning, middle and end for this movie, as there is no clear progression. There are no definitive points, but with characters as boring and one-dimensional as Ana and Christian, what was I really expecting?

*Slow clap* for everyone involved in getting this book published, and getting a movie made.

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