ByKit Simpson Browne, writer at Creators.co
Writer-at-large. Bad jokes aplenty. Can be gently prodded on Twitter at @kitsb1
Kit Simpson Browne

Now, if there's one thing that the comic-book version of the X-Men is known for (other than being a civil rights allegory, and punching), it's the ridiculously tangled love lives of its leading mutants. Hardly a year goes by where one of our heroes doesn't fall in love with someone inappropriate, have a psychic love-affair with someone who isn't their partner, or inadvertently have a kid with a leading super-villain.

In the X-Men movies, though - unlike, say, The Marvel Cinematic Universe - things are a whole lot more straightforward, surely?

After all, they've only had a handful of movies in which to...create some of the most complicated love...pentagons ever seen on screen.

Yup, that's right:

The X-Men's Sex Lives Are Ridiculously Complicated

Most of these people have probably slept together.
Most of these people have probably slept together.

And, when I say ridiculously complicated, I mean there really is a love pentagon involved - and that's not a thing you tend to be able to say outside of daytime soaps...

First up, though:

Jean Grey Gets Her Pick of (Emotionally Closed-Off) Men

It's not a great dating pool, is my point.
It's not a great dating pool, is my point.

Yup, that's right, where else to start but with the X-Men's most enduring - and lovably dorky - love triangle.

Take one loving, slightly awkward-seeming couple:

Nothing says functional like uncontrollable powers.
Nothing says functional like uncontrollable powers.

Add one wild, crazed berserker with razor-sharp claws:

And, admittedly, Hugh Jackman's body.
And, admittedly, Hugh Jackman's body.

Add a pinch of the body-and-soul-possessing Phoenix force:

Which is terrible at dating.
Which is terrible at dating.

And what do you get? Some really awkward making out (and a whole lot of gratuitous Cyclops murder)...

Not pictured: Cyclops murder.
Not pictured: Cyclops murder.

Which, admittedly, is an improvement on the comics, where Cyclops had a psychic affair with Emma Frost, because...of...reasons?

One of which being that Cyclops is a dick to women.
One of which being that Cyclops is a dick to women.

Meanwhile:

Iceman, Rogue and Kitty Pryde are Never Happy

OK, in fairness, that's a funeral.
OK, in fairness, that's a funeral.

We now welcome our first love rectangle to the team, though, in which Rogue and Iceman totally have the hots for each other:

Which is awkward for ICE-man.
Which is awkward for ICE-man.

But so do Iceman and Kitty Pryde:

Which is awkward for everyone else.
Which is awkward for everyone else.

Which, seeing as Rogue and Iceman kissing each other really doesn't go well...

Like REALLY not well.
Like REALLY not well.

...Inevitably leads to a whole lot of (power-removing) relationship drama.

Though, on the plus side, it seems to eventually resolve itself by the end of Days of Future Past, by (sort-of) setting Kitty up with this guy:

Colossus, after all, being a massive step-up.
Colossus, after all, being a massive step-up.

Even if that was mainly for all of us fans of the comics, because...Colossus?

Always because Colossus.
Always because Colossus.

The biggest, baddest love-kerfuffle in town, though?

Professor X and Magneto (and Mystique) Are Terrible at Dating

As opposed to Ian and Patrick, who're the best...
As opposed to Ian and Patrick, who're the best...

After all, back in X-Men: First Class, Magneto and Mystique flirt up a storm:

OK, so less flirting, and more making out.
OK, so less flirting, and more making out.

While Mystique and Beast get awkward around each other:

OK, so less awkward, and also more making out.
OK, so less awkward, and also more making out.

Meanwhile, Professor X is falling for (and then mind-wiping) Moira McTaggart:

Which is NEVER COOL.
Which is NEVER COOL.

But also totally has strange, pseudo-incestuous feelings for his kind-of-adopted sister Mystique:

Which is also NEVER COOL.
Which is also NEVER COOL.

As well as a whole lot of sexual tension with his best-bro Magneto:

Which is clearly the emotional heart of the movies.
Which is clearly the emotional heart of the movies.

Which...wasn't really in the comics...was it?

And then they...didn't...make out? Probably?
And then they...didn't...make out? Probably?

All of which adds up to a seriously awkward love pentagon - and presumably some even more awkward parties:

"NOT AGAIN, BEAST..."
"NOT AGAIN, BEAST..."

All of which is to say nothing about:

The Seriously Awkward Sex That Happened Off Screen

Red vs Blue, anyone?
Red vs Blue, anyone?

In which Mystique...

Who's already kind of freaked out by it...
Who's already kind of freaked out by it...

...And freaky Devil dude Azazel...

With the worryingly pointy tail.
With the worryingly pointy tail.

...Totally had sex.

Or, at least, that's what almost certainly happened - since we're about to see Nightcrawler reappear in the movies...

Who looks...exactly like them...
Who looks...exactly like them...

...And those two are totally his parents in the comics:

Because...X-MEN!
Because...X-MEN!

And the most awkward part of all of that?

There's Still Very Little Chance Anyone Ever Hooked Up With Banshee

"Wait, what?"
"Wait, what?"

Not even Havok...

What do you think, though?

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