TOP 10 VIDEO GAME BADASSES
Hello boys and girls, thanks for clicking that mouse over to our blog to read about what we consider to be, "in our opinion", the Top 10 Video Game Badasses of all time! *echo... echo... echo...* Now sit back and gamer rage as you read through our list.
NO. 10: Lara Croft - Tomb Raider
We’re going to start things of at number 10... with a lady. But, don’t let her tiny frame and disproportionate chesticles fool you, Lara Croft is the true definition of badass. Not only is the character herself hardcore in the game, but she currently has 6 guinness world records, was Playboy’s playmate of the month in July of 2008, and the only way we could put her in a movie is to cast the genetic sexual freak of nature, Angelina Jolie. No super powers, she’s not an alien or related to a god, she just has dual pistols and no fear to take her through tombs and caves that would make our whiny asses piss themselves.
Speaking of draining bodily fluids, this brings us to number 9 in the list…Alucard from Castlevania
NO. 9: Alucard - Castlevania
I know what you’re thinking, “He’s not a Belmont!” Look, we know. But, we also know that he is half human and half vampire and the son of freakin’ Dracula! Checkmate! He first appeared in Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse, but it wasn’t until we saw him next in Symphony of the Night, that we found out his back story and played one of the most unsung games ever. Plus, he was born in the night and his battyness didn’t come from watching his parents die. Take that Batman! You sound like Kiefer Sutherland in one of his dark moods. If you haven’t played Symphony of the Night, grab a controller and your whip (we know you have one) and kick some Dracula Dad Ass!
Up next at number 8, what better way to follow Dracula’s son than…a mother f-ing ninja?!
NO. 8: Ryu Hayabusa - Ninja Gaiden
Ryu Hayabusa of the Ninja Gaiden franchise shows up on this list and you didn’t even see him do it..cause he’s a ninja. The guy’s name literally means “dragon falcon”. Are you kidding?!! That’s like naming your daughter “sword”. just “sword”! Combine stealth and fighting skills with mystical ties to ancient dragons and you get one badass character. He’s a ninja that does magic. That’s like Chuck Norris riding a unicorn while his beard travels through time to kill hitler. All that being said, Ryu is in a collection of games that are not only fun, but also some of the most challenging ever made. Seriously, try and beat Ninja Gaiden on the NES without throwing your controller…I dare you.
Speaking of throwing your controller, up at number 7 we have a character whose games made tantrums an everyday occurrence…. It’s every fanboy’s most awkward fantasy… Samus Aran.
NO. 7: Samus Aran - Metroid
Samus is the protagonist of the Metroid games and is an intergalactic bounty hunter, armed with a beam and missile shooting gun for an arm and a tuck and roll move that would make Sonic be like “What?!”. In the first game, once you’ve finished fighting space pirates and parasitic organisms, you find out…Samus is a woman! That’s like the opposite of the “Crying Game”. Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkle. Samus is a woman! She is the first ever human woman to be a playable lead in a game and has a Guinness world record to prove it. She was a badass before we knew she was a woman, but when we found out she was….uber badass!
From aliens on other planets to aliens unleashed on earth, the next bad ass on the list, at number 6, is Gordon Freeman.
NO. 6: Gordon Freeman - Half-Life
This theoretical physicist turned hero is the main protagonist in Valve’s Half-Life series and makes it into the number 6 slot because he’s basically the Jesus of video game characters. He dies and comes back 20 years later to save a world infested by other dimensional creatures.
Ginger haired and thick rimmed glasses. Everything the Doctor wishes he could be. Hot companion and robot dog, time travel, and fighting aliens who are trying to invade earth, all with a crowbar.
Up next, is a character who, If we tried to make a segway right now, would probably put 30 holes in it and then put his cigar out in its eye…at number 5…Duke Nuke’Em
NO 5: Duke Nukem - Duke Nukem
Duke showed up in 1991 in a PC format and the computer screen could barely contain this monster of masculinity. With muscles that makes every t-shirt a tank top, and the act of putting on deodorant, impossible; a cigar in his mouth at all times, a virtual arsenal strapped to his chest, and a white guy flat top, which I assure you is hard to pull off, who is honestly surprised that this wise cracking badass’ only job is killing the shit out of aliens and sexing buxom babes! To quote Duke himself, “I go where I please and I please where I go”.
This next savior of all life in the universe gets lofted to the number 4 position, Petty Officer John-117, or better know as, Master Chief.
NO. 4: Master Chief - Halo
Bungie’s faceless frontman liked it so much that he put a ring on it, actually 7 of them… and he destroyed them in the fires of his badassery. He’s a cybernetically enhanced super soldier developed from youth in the Spartan II project…Take that Gerard Butler. Who needs 300 when you have one Master Chief? Nice loincloth. Master Chief’s best friend is a sexy Artificial Intelligence and he comes wielding a futuristic virtual Home Depot of weapons that would have made your movie 5 minutes long, but I guess shields are cool too.
From cybernetically enhanced to supernaturally enhanced. At number 3, it’s Devil May Cry’s, Dante
NO. 3: Dante - Devil May Cry
The son of a demon…you heard that right…who is a mercenary that kills demons…you also heard that right. Equipped with superhuman strength, melee weapons, swords, demon abilities including flight, and twin handguns, sweetly named ebony and ivory, he takes revenge on all of demonkind for the murder of his human mother. “Oh, you gonna kill my momma? I’m gonna murder all you muthafuckas!” Calm down Dante, calm down... deep breaths... There, that’s better. Any guy who can throw a sword at you, backflip, and suspend in air while bucking two guns back and forth at your dome deserves a top 3 spot. Say different and see what Dante does to you.
Demon health to a master of stealth. Taking the number 2 position, the one and only, Solid Snake.
NO. 2: Solid Snake - Metal Gear Solid
Special operations, special forces, and a master spy, Snake has been in this business along time and has the training and credentials to take down the mecha threat Metal Gear…and he’s doing it alone. Imagine this; you’re on guard duty, mind your own business, and then you’re dead. You just met Solid Snake. Or, maybe you just woke up in a daze in a storage locker, or can’t find your keys, or are missing you clothes. You think to yourself, “did I take too many shots of tequila at the strip club?” Nope. Solid Snake just yoked your ass. And when he’s done with you he’s gonna take on a giant two-legged tank equipped with nuclear weapons that looks like an Imperial Walker on whatever drug Lance Armstrong’s taking this week and just like Lance…he’s gonna win.
NO. 1: Kratos - God of War
Our final badass that rightfully deserves his throne at the top of this list is the Ghost of Sparta, the mythological awesomeness of the one and only Kratos from God of War. Let’s start it off with his strongest point, he kills Zeus… with a rock. Not Duane Johnson (although that’d be hilarious). An actual rock. That’s all he needs to take down the most powerful ruler of greek mythology, an item that was sold in the 70s as a pet. You kill his family, he destroys your religion, seems legit. When you’re game is centered around a solo revenge trip, you rarely fight one baddy at a time, many of whom are Gods, it’s damn near impossible to not be ranked up at number 1.
So that’s our list of what we consider the Top 10 Video Game Badasses of all time, if you don’t like it let us know, we’d love to hear how wrong we are.
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