ByBenjamin Marlatt, writer at Creators.co

For the right price, Col. Hogan (David Campbell) will rent his mercenaries out to anyone, and does so with businessman Don Michaelson (Troy Donahue). Bringing in new recruits to train, Hogan orders them to kidnap innocent people, place them in the forest and hunt them down.

However, this time, they picked the wrong guy: Vietnam vet Mike Danton (Ted Prior).

Kidnapped while taking out the trash, Danton is taken to the forest, stripped down to his shorts and simply told to run. It gets personal when Hogan, Danton’s former trainer, drags Danton’s family into this quagmire. When that happens…

Danton will be taking out the trash again… mutha fuckas!

Imagine a flaming, homoerotic version of First Blood. It’d probably be named Deadly Prey.

There’s no decade quite like the ’80s when it comes to containing the motherload of all crappy John Rambo knockoffs. Unlike the original First Blood, which features one of Sly Stallone’s best performances and tackles the subjects of soldiers returning home from battle and society’s treatment of veterans following Vietnam, Deadly Prey, among the many knockoffs, is more like First Blood’s two crappy sequels, Rambo: First Blood Part II and Rambo III.

Actually, I’ll give those two a little more credit; they’re The Road Warrior compared to this.

Why worry about petty things like acting and dark narrative themes? What are you, gay? That stuff’s for pussies! We want action! And not just any action, but the best kind of action there is! I’m talking the full-blown, full-fisted, ram it down his throat kind of action! Constipated teeth-grinding angry line delivery kind of action! Mullets, muscle shirts and aviators galore kind of action!! Just got shot but it still takes the actor a couple seconds to respond to the fact that there’s a giant gaping hole in his chest kind of action!! This couldn’t be any gayer if it was Ben and Arthur participating in American Gladiators kind of action!!!!

OOOOOOOO-FUCKING-RAH!!!!!!!!

So what’s needed to deliver exactly what it promises? Well, aspiring filmmakers, first you need your all-American badass hero. And not just any all-American badass hero! I’m talking…

Okay, that’s enough.

Deadly Prey features the greatest daisy-dukes wearing, mulleted badass the Armed Forces has ever seen: Mike Danton. How badass, you ask? “In Vietnam he was the best… HE STILL IS!!!!” movie tagline badass. Danton’s tactical strengths know no – and I mean nee, jo, la, voch, deyil, bu, non, nahi, nein, ohee, ni, nai, nie, nao, nietNO – bounds.

  • Camouflage: Superb ability to blend into his surroundings such as a leafless tree five feet above the mercenaries that pass underneath him, or immersing his entire body underneath the foot-deep, shallow end waters of a lake.
  • Strength: Unrivaled physique that makes him no match for the enemies he barely taps like a feather while mowing ‘em down.
  • Agility: The way he dodges bullets shot at him at point blank range that seem to go right through him is like nothing any fighting force in the entire world has ever seen.
  • Ingenuity: When all else fails, just hack your nemesis’s arm off and beat him senseless across his head with it ’til he’s unconscious.
  • Rallying the Troops Eloquence: “… Yur gonna die.” Enough said.

Given the way Georgia Satellites’s #1 fan makes these merciless mercenaries look like kindergarten girl scouts, it’s no wonder Charlie kicked our ass in ‘Nam.

Come to think of it, these Nancy boys make me wonder how the hell we escaped Grenada.

Of course, we’re not done yet. We got our badass, but now we need to sprinkle every stereotypical supporting player around him.

  • The Colonel: Know him? Wait… pause for dramatic effect… I trained him.
  • The Muscle: The colonel’s best weapon against Danton who wears his aviators and John Stamos Full House: Season 1 doo like a boss. Everything’s such a dick measuring contest with this guy, even holding his machine gun has to look like he’s got a massive erection. He’s also at a level of insecurity to where coming out of the closet isn’t even necessary.
  • The Wife: Whatever, she’s got big tits, and she’s weak enough to be easily kidnapped. That’s really all the role requires.
  • The Law: The wife’s ex-cop father who’s dragged out of retirement to rescue Danton so long as it ensures his whiny daughter will pipe down about it. He’ll be damned if it’s only the villains that get to have the long-winded speeches, and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks and talks to evil businessman Don Michaelson about how he cleaned the streets of corrupt filth like him back in the day. No one cares, Serpico. Just shoot the guy already before another villain wises up and shoots you first.
  • The Friend Turned Foe Turned Friend: He hadn’t seen Danton since he took a bullet for him back in ‘Nam… For God’s sakes, will you two just kiss each other already?
  • The Ball-Buster: Col. Hogan’s skimpy-attired female assistant who must be good at sucking dick and putting out ’cause it’s clear her military qualifications, or lack thereof, didn’t grant her access into his squad.

With the characters all in place, we now give them stupid things to do ’cause who cares as long as guns, land mines and RPGs are going off.

  • Why have Danton’s wife Jaimy go to the police when she can just have daddy do it for free? Why have Jaimy realize that her tax dollars already pay for that “serve and protect” service?
  • Why have Jaimy’s Father (you know your screenwriters are lazy when they don’t even bother giving him any name… John, Jim, Bob, Steve, Harry… hey, that was easy) place his baby girl under police protection when locking her doors and windows will do just fine against a heavily-armed group of highly-trained professional fighters? I mean, what is this, the Middle Ages? Grow some balls, little Miss Damsel in Distress.
  • Actually, is she really in any danger, when the bad guys have all the firepower in the world, yet they get their asses kicked handily by a near-nude with a knife and stick? She might as well leave the door and windows wide open.
  • After somewhere around 30 minutes since he last ate, Danton’s already starved to the point he’s willing to feed on worms smothered in dirt. That’s what happens when you eat Chinese food.

...

Ba-dum crash!

One entire 90-minute long cliche, Deadly Prey is an inspiration to aspiring young filmmakers all around the world. To think that for only the cost of a couple toy machine guns, renting out a local kids summer campground, a cheap Casio keyboard for you score and the loss of pride from you and everyone else sporting the tackiest ’80s fashion statements next to the Jheri curl and parachute pants, you too can have you own Deadly Prey.

Review source: http://silverscreenfanatic.com/2015/05/25/what-the-hell-were-they-thinking-73/

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