ByJoel Croyle, writer at
The short of it: movie buff
Joel Croyle

The suicide squad we all know and love is fairly unmatchable in degree of scope, villainy, and out and out destructive characters. But one has to wonder if all of our movie "verses" collided and from the ashes rose a new squad of misfits who would be the new squad? Who would you want to be the one's to throw down for the government as "an anti-hero team of incarcerated supervillains who act as deniable assets for the United States government, undertaking high-risk black ops missions in exchange for commuted prison sentences"?

First and foremost, one has to think of the mission statement when designing a team. Which, for the SS in its purest form is to go do things the government doesn't want the public to know is being done, in possibly the harshest way possible, with military guidance, and absolutely no discussion of the acts or threads of confirmation that can lead back to said government. And we need a happy helping of the crazy on the side! This leads one to think that maybe one member of this outfit needs to be a on the field leader.

The captain and first pick of this squad needs certain qualifications, Here is this man's:

  • Controlled more than half the Earth during a wartime
  • Escaped Permanent Exile after a fifteen year prison stint.
  • Is the precursor to android cybernetics
  • Does not have the same limitations as most humans do physically, emotionally or mentally
  • Took control of a spaceship with ease
  • Quotes "Moby Dick" with his last gasps of air

In one word...."KHAN!"

"From the depths of hell I stab at thee!"
"From the depths of hell I stab at thee!"

Right out of the gate, let's get something straight. I don't want happy "seeds" (1960's) Khan and I don't want "Into Darkness CumberKhan". I want big breasted, grey haired, put an alien in your ear, the reliant is mine, I hate Kirk, KHAN. "Ricarda-Khan!"

People were always willing to follow him. He is the only one to truly take Kirk to the limit. He is smarter than almost anybody and he is ruthless. Not to mention, he would have likely much rather been offered a trade to get out of prison than to get his hands dirty. And seriously, name any any of them outsmart Khan? Your answer is no.

The second member is likely going to come as a surprise and has had a very short shelf life. But a team like this needs someone who they may need to give up to an enemy or even die for the benefit of the mission. This person also needs to be trusted that if captured he won't talk. I give you the second squad member's qualifications:

  • As a child, watched his mother be taken away then was given the head of her back which he cuddled for several days.
  • Made a mask from the skin of his mother's face
  • Nothing phases the man, not sound, not sight (as he is blind) and not fear
  • He owns a flamethrower
  • He plays one mean guitar and its his only form of communication

I give you Mad Max's Doof Warrior:

"Music, Music, I hear music...."
"Music, Music, I hear music...."

Before continuing on with members three and four of this team I'd like to explain some of my own guidelines. Though movie pilot gave us a lot of room to write these articles, I felt there needed more structure. As such, I had a few "rules".

1.) No member of the suicide in any form was going to be on this team as this is an alternate to that squad.

2.) I was going to stay within the cinematic universes. This is moviepilot after all, not comic pilot, TV pilot, book pilot or autopilot.

3.) The members had to be people who could actually be caged. This was one of the most important of the rules for me and essentially ruled out a lot of runner ups. Why would anyone be on this team that could escape? Names like Darth Vader (the force), deadpool (regeneration), Cybetron (are you kiding?) and venom (has it every worked before, really?) would all escape.

4.) And lastly, the team had to make sense and combine as a threat.

We now have a leader and a patsy. There were two other positions left and it was clear to this writer what kind of persons I needed. I needed muscle and skills. I also wanted a female to give this group some much needed womanly touch, which leads us to member number three. Her qualified gifts:

  • Computer Expert
  • Skilled in martial arts, kickboxing and other fighting styles.
  • Safe locksmith/thief
  • A woman, who though always seemed in a 2nd or third position of hierarchy, knew she was actually the brains of the operation and could take over anytime she wanted.
  • She had a very strong military background which included a high level of weapons training.

The third member of course, is Cobra's baroness:

If I were there, I might actually let you touch me
If I were there, I might actually let you touch me

Baroness is truly one of a kind but we already have evidence she can play on a team. She would be devoted to Khan, yet be sure he didn't screw up. She would easily submit the warrior if it meant that they would get a head and finish their mission. Her military background is unmatched and she is as cunning as she is beautiful.

Our last member of this fearsome four had to be the muscle. There were a lot of candidates for this position: Bane, Sabertooth, Magneto, Evil Voltron, Megatron, Starscream, Jaba the Hutt, and even Dwight Howard (just kidding) but in the end I think I knew all along who was needed to fill the role while staying within my criteria. His cool traits:

  • Owns a spear and knows how to use it
  • Speaks softly yet carries a know the rest
  • Has already made crossover appearances
  • Has superior strength
  • Has defeated almost everyone at least once in his universe
  • there are youtube channels dedicated to him
  • He personifies muscle.

Member number four: Mortal Kombat's Scorpian.

"Come 'ere!"
"Come 'ere!"

He's an expert martial artist, with strong ties to some very original and ancient customs. He can use a vast array of weaponry. He is physically and mentally strong. He is one of the most stealthy characters of any franchise. He chooses wisdom over physical pain in almost every circumstance yet when given the chance to use both he'll crack a skullish smile and run with it. He is nobody's enemy and nobody's friend.

And so there you have it. The alternate Suicide Squad. Khan, Baroness, Scorpion and the Doof warrior. I am fairly sure no one would think of putting these four together yet, come on, admit it, this is one hell of a team, right? You wouldn't know if they were there to steal a baby or shoot the president - but you would really want to know, wouldn't you? Imagine the x-men coming home to take on the big threat at the mansion and these four are the one's walking the halls. Even Storm would want to fly out of that.

And in case anyone hasn't figured it out yet. This is crazy 202. Real crazy. White coat crazy with a side of artistry. Crazy cake... One flew over the cuckoo's nest don't have nothin' on us CRAZY


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