ByAndrew Fasnacht, writer at
Pretty movies make me pretty happy. Soccer and brownies have the same effect.
Andrew Fasnacht

"Four villains from movies I loved when I was five, like The Land Before Time and An American Tale: Fievel Goes West." "Four super badass dudes who might not be obvious so probably no one else will come up with them, maybe." "Four different incarnations of Joker, are you kidding me? Think outside the box!"

Well, I went too far outside the box and I'm not sure if I like what I saw out there. The couches weren't as comfy as the ones we have inside....

So let's get meta!

DC's Suicide Squad is comprised of villains who take on missions for our government, accepting pardons in return. This contest opens the concept up to universes outside of DC's. I'm going to go ahead and take it completely out, yank it all the way out of the fiction and have a look instead at villains that are attacking film externally.

Members of the Suicide Squad are traditionally villains; Harley Quinn antagonizes Batman, for example. Under the direction of Amanda Waller, however, these people apparently get things done for the betterment of society. As such, I have to consider both the good and bad of whatever I look at.

What follows are the four character traits - and fiiiiiine, for normality's sake I'll attach some villains who embody them - that I'm recruiting for my not-so-ordinary Suicide Squad.


The good: More money made = more movies made. That's the theory, anyway.
The bad: Pass up a more interesting and better, for all intents and purposes, project for one that will surely make money and definitely challenge nobody.
The villain: Daniel Plainview (There Will Be Blood). He abandons his boy, drinks your milkshake, and beats a young man to death with a bowling pin. All in the name of making his oil money. Citing the analogous milkshake incident, the man will clearly stop at nothing to attain what his heart desires. That sort of determination is... not very hard to come by, actually. But this is Daniel Day-Lewis.

I love milkshakes and DDL, so this scene....
I love milkshakes and DDL, so this scene....


The good: Wes Anderson + Adrien Brody, Willem Dafoe, Bill Murray, Jason Schwartsman, Owen Wilson, Robert D Yeoman, etc.
The bad: Where the **** is Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar? Would Leo have his Oscar if he worked with someone other than Scorsese? Would the Academy have given Leo his Oscar if Tarantino cast someone other than Christoph Waltz? This is it Leo, 2015 is your year. You've got... oh goodness. So apparently the movie is called The Revenant. DiCaprio, Tom Hardy, and Domhnall Gleeson. Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu and Chivo. I mean Emmanuel Lubezki. Swoon....

Oh, right....

The villain: Ronan, my token comic book supervillain selection, was initially flanked by his temporary-boss' adopted daughters Nebula and Gamora in James Gunn's Guardians of the Galaxy. Of course, Gamora left his side to join up with the good guys and Ronan paid the price for giving in to his favoritism when he chose who would be his nearest, dearest henchmen.

His request, not mine.
His request, not mine.


The good: Beautiful people using the exposure their beauty grants them from the mainstream media to be positive role models.
The bad: Inadvertently, or maybe not, setting unfair expectations for body image among those impressionable younger people.
The villain: Imhotep from The Mummy. He spends most of the first movie murdering people in order to make himself look better. Make himself look better superficially, I mean, considering murder literally looks pretty bad in the eyes of most people, right? Right?

But cute kitties scare him, so maybe not?
But cute kitties scare him, so maybe not?


The good: Comedy like that of Seven Psychopaths, or the tone of basically every David Fincher movie.
The bad: The color palette of the last two Harry Potter movies, for example, or the lack of anyone worth rooting for in movies like A Clockwork Orange.
The villain: Attack the Block's "big gorilla wolf mother******s." Eloquently described as "blacker than black," they are darkness epitomized.

An apt, if not eloquent, description. Honestly.
An apt, if not eloquent, description. Honestly.

It's now 3am and naming Sauron, Mothra, Doc Ock, and JK Simmons in Whiplash would have been too run-of-the-mill. So there's that.


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