Oh remakes.... oh how I am really starting to loathe the... With the butchering of most remakes, most...not all... but with all these remakes, what has happened to our originality? Are we at the end of the creative movie rope?! I hope the hell not! If it wasn't for some good, some so so, and some bad novels, would we have even more remakes?! I am just wondering if none of the timeless, classic movies are even sacred enough from remaking them or even contemplating the possibility?
Well, let's hope that classics like E.T., Saving Private Ryan, and even The Godfather I & II remain unscathed from them even trying which if so would be failing attempts. I mean who in their right mind has the....marbles to mess with the Godfather movies?! I mean if they even try those, I will personally send the message myself via wrapped trout that...you know....or a horse head in the bed?
With a number of 80's movies remakes made, being made, or even contemplating, it is just unnecessary to make these movies that have great nostalgia to them. Do you see Feris Buller's Day Off, The Breakfast Club, or Fast Times at Ridgemont High being remade, just cause? They shouldn't because of the classic scenes that made movie history and you can't rewrite history better. There's just no way.
The latest gross movie remake decisions has me at a loss, because none of these films require a remake. Poltergeist has been a classic for many years now. I have watched, the original recently and it still holds up. Honestly, I don't know how some of the content got past their rating system. PG....Wow. Another is the Point Break remake, which really compelled me to write this post. I will write a post about this embarrassing remake attempt, but first things first.
I have ten whoppers that are bad remakes or is just bad to even try to remake. Let's be honest, they are all bad remakes.
10. The Wicker Man, 2006 (Original film 1973) A terrible movie remade to make another terrible movie.
Oh boy this remake is hilarious and terrible at the same time, mainly because of Nicholas Cage's Razzy performance. I have skimmed through both movies and except for some weird sexual behavior moments from the original and Nic Cage inserted into the remake, they are virtually the same movie. I won't go into the plot because it is completely unnecessary to watch either film. Good heavens! I have to say though, bear punch was pretty damn funny. Look...
9. The Fog, 2005 (Original film1980) Was their intentions with the remake to be less scary?! Success!
I almost took this one personal. John Carpenter's original version was about as creepy as it gets. His filming style always gave me the willies, I think anyone that attempts to remake his movies should have themselves check for some brain demage because, unless you were born in a crypt, you are not out-scaring John Carpenter. This remake was done thinking that with more story it was going to bring more depth to the film, instead they just scared away the scary and for the ones who had seen the original, had them including myself saying aloud, "Why?....WHY?! A CGI filled mess that ultimately will not even be considered a classic over the original classic.
8. Carrie, 2013 (Original film 1976) All you did was killed a little better, that's it!
Oh hum.... Here's a another horror classic that was truly unique as far as horror revenge movies goes. Unfortunately, the remake didn't do anything to add to the classic except CGI and better deaths. This was once again has the same premise, Carrie was bullied, she had some special abilites, they played a mental snapping prank on her, she killed everybody responsible and then some. Julian Moore played a even more crazier version of Carrie's mom, but the remake wasn't needed. You can get the same experience from the original. No need to watch this one.
7. Total Recall, 2012 (Original film in 1990) You think you can take on Arnold?!
I am sure after this remake, Arnold wanted to do just that, screaming loudly in agonizing pain. The original movie was based on a book where the story actually never took place on Mars, however, without you knowing that factoid, you would be a liar if you said that the original was not awesome. At the time, Arnold almost couldn't do a bad movie, almost. But a remake of this classic was a noggin scratcher. If you are just improving special effects and keeping the story on Earth, then you wasted money and time. Not to mention, their main villain was terrible, sorry Bryan Cranston. They really type casted him as A typical bad guy. The original baddies were great, Ronny Cox, Michael Ironside, & Sharon Stone. Yes, what about Underworld's Kate Beckinsale? She seemed kind of unreal for the role. There is something about subtlety, unless it means making this remake PG-13. You want a good time? Go back and watch the original, this movie makes the new one look like it was made for girly men. Arnold, you have something to say about the remake?
6. Red Dawn, 2012 (Original film 1984) More unlikely than the original.
Okay, this is America, the last actual country takeover was in the mid-late 1700's with the British, unless you consider the Kardashians an invasion. Now the 80's version seemed more probable that an invasion of this magnitude could actually happen. At the time it was the Russians were the enemy for practically every 80's movie that had a country conflict. This time around it is China, for whatever reason they decided to, maybe they were just bored. Well it took a couple of years for me to watch this remake, which I kind of dreaded being a fan of the original. Thor and Peta couldn't save this movie remake. This movie lacked so much impact that I can't remember why I didn't like it. Well let me use this as a logical reason why I didn't... there is no way this could happen to America today. It is completely impossible! The fact that the remake movement neglects to look at the time these movies were made and still proceed to push on forward baffles me. Like Jeff Goldbloom's character said in Jurassic Park, "The scientist were so preoccupied if whether they could, they never stopped to wonder if they should." Very relevant statement for remakes. Trust me, skipping this remake will do yourself a favor.
5. Psycho, 1998 (Original film 1960) No criminal charges were made for this grisly attempt.
Because of the classic nature of the original, this should be higher on the list, but there are other remakes that are much worse. Now Anne Heche has the right pose here, the "STOP" symbol, which should have been used when trying to attempt this remake. This is freaking PSYCHO, the base on which most horror films hope to reach in shock value and terror. And that is the point to NOT remaking this movie. I had the privilege to watch the original film a few years back, and even though I knew that the main star would make an unfortunate exit via the most famous horror slasher murder scene in film history, it was still amazing to watch. The remake was simply mimicking everything the original had done. They were better off doing an entirely different take on the movie, let's be honest, they shouldn't even bothered even trying.
4. Godzilla 1998 & 2014 (Original film 1954- Gojira) Yeah two bad remakes in the same year... Who knew? (See number 5)
Oh my, do Americans know how to screw up international cult classic films or what? Here, they managed to do it twice. Well, others may think the 2014 remake was a decent movie, me I found it dull, boring, and deceitful. Now I had to rewind this multiple times because I kept falling asleep. Sure sign of lameness right there. The deceit it how ...(SPOILER ALERT).... how "Breaking Bad's" Bryan Cranston was the selling pitch to potential moviegoers only for him to barely be in the film. They expected you to be enthralled with Kick-Ass / Quicksilver Aaron Taylor-Johnson & The Scarlet Witch Elizabeth Olsen, which are married to each other in this movie. They were brother and sister in Avengers Age of Ultron, gross! Either way, this movie was a lot of waiting, by the time it got going, you really no longer cared. I personally think Pacific Rim beat them to the punch, making a better monster movie.
Now the true stinker on this list was the 1998 version of Godzilla. This was more like an attempt to capture that feeling from the early 90's blockbuster Jurassic Park. They didn't even pretend that this was a monster to be scared of. Instead this was a movie where the humans were viscous evil monsters that wanted to kill a not so vicious monster and destroy plenty of property. This was cliched to hell! (Croissant?) The hero was an expert on lizards....lizards! This movie definitely nearly killed Mathew Broderick's career. I thought it killed the chance of them to even think to try another remake.... Unfortunately I was wrong.
3. Clash of the Titans 2010, (Original film 1981) Now it gets personal.
Okay now as a child I was a humongous fan of the original film. Even over time, as an adult, I appreciate what they did with less than dazzling special effects, but I love this movie. The story was great and it was very good movie throughout. This movie I could watch until I am old and grey. That can't be said for the miserable remake and it's ugly cousin the sequel. Imagine them redoing the movie, now imagine them moving pieces all over the place. That is what the remake is. A lot more shouting and less feeling about any of the characters well-being. I mean you don't really like any of these people. The Gods were basically dicks and Zeus was complete creep (Sorry Liem!). Seriously, it was almost awkward watching his relationship with Precious... I mean Perseus. Special effects and unplanned or unfilmed (you take your pick) for 3D was just a disaster. If they were going to remake this film, make a better effort. Instead of releasing the Kraken, maybe they should have thought about not releasing this movie.
2. Karate Kid 2010 (Original film 1984) ..........You little bastards!!!
.......This is probably not only the worst one on this list, but the most unethical and racist. I will explain that statement. First off, this one of my most favorite childhood movies of all time. Not just because it is a classic and still very good today, it was the ultimate bullied outsider gets a new set of skills and gets some much deserved respect. I still remember going to the movies and being completely enthralled with this movie. I have to say I related to this character (Daniel Laruso) later in my childhood with the gang like bullies I had to suffer. This kid was treated like crap in the original movie, damn near racism.
Well, they treated the remake like that, crap! This movie is crap. First off, let me start off with the mother and son moving to China for a job.... Listen, black folks are not moving to China for a job unless you are wearing pinstriped suits and gets to sip on mimosas during the business meetings. I don't understand the premise with this story of them going to China. Already thought that was problematic from the start. There are plenty bullies in America, you don't need to move to a country where you stick out like a sore thumb. My other gripe with this movie is it is nearly two and a half hours long. Now, I looked this up, the original movie was actually two hours and six minutes long. Yeah, who knew? I was shocked to know that, but much to the credit of the original, it didn't feel that long. This remake shouldn't have ran so long, sorry. This my biggest issue.... This called "Karate Kid" and he is training him the martial art of Kung Fu. Look, I heard that director wanted to pay homage to the original by keeping the title as is. It is really stupid, no matter what they did with this movie, it will be tied to the movie as a remake. If they were smart, they should have called it the Kung Fu Kid. It actually sounds cool for a title. I mean did they think that people wouldn't notice the difference?! Karate is Japanese, I don't care what ridiculous crap Jackie Chan was say about karate was also Chinese. This was nothing more than title recognition. That is almost as bad as naming a movie the last samurai when it is about the last ninja. I find that to be very annoying.
let me finish off with each movies finishing move. The original didn't have anything special about it except when he landed the attack. That was his moment of glory and it was just great. Now in the remake, they tried something completely ridiculous and I found to be disturbing that a skill that he was taught required special effects! Really?! I don't think the original had a single special effect in the entire movie. Great lesson to teach your bullied child, you can beat your bully up if you have special effects handy.
1. Robocop 2014 (Original film 1987) Son of a .......
Yeah, see they should have known better. The original Robocop movie is a cult classic and an awesome, AWESOME movie! Yeah, my mom took me as child to watch the movie when I probably had no business watching that type of film at the time. I mean it is a robot cop, what's the worse that can happen, right? Well, after watching this movie, as a child I was surprisingly not traumatized by the excessive violence and gore. I thought the movie was great!!! I think, at least for me, I took it for what it was, a violent action movie with some dark comedy and great thrills. At the time I thought it was the best movie I have ever seen. Today, this movie still delivers and reminds you of the days when movies had some serious balls! Which leads me to the remake.... (Sigh) When I first heard of this, I pretty much had it with remakes. Now there have been some good, maybe great remakes, but not that many, but no remake in their right mind was going to topple this original blockbuster. Non to mention, everything Robocop related couldn't hold a candle to the original, whether it was sequels, cartoon series, live action series, you name it. The closest compliment to the Robocop movie was a classic arcade game and some comic book series, and that's it. Speaking of the series, it is the worst I have seen, I mean the acting was beyond terrible and the music was out of a spaghetti western, look below, 2:00 is where you start to cringe, laugh, or cry. It is really bad.
Let me actually get into the remake. Now I already thought it was bad idea to even remake this movie, that's strike one. They thought that hiring Batman (Michael Keaton), Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman), Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley), and Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) could make this a blockbuster movie. I didn't bite on their lure. Yes, that is a ridiculously awesome casting, but unless they are playing the characters they are best known for, this is not a guaranteed slam dunk, strike 2. Now this one is not much the rating of the movie (PG-13) that kills this remake. This is very light on the violence and brutality compared to the original by far, I am sure they factored the kid audience they wanted to draw into this movie. What makes this a strikeout is the changes on how he became Robocop and his conscious control that he had from the moment he became Robocop. The scientists behind this experiment emphasized control but they never really had it. They deliberately did different things to the original that just didn't work for me at all. Sure, the graphics were a ton better, but that is for any high budget movie nowadays. I couldn't finish the movie, it actually made me sick to my stomach & I actually like the actor who played Robocop aka Alex Murphy (Joel Kinnaman), also starring in the upcoming Suicide Squad movie. I am sure they were trying to accumulate a trilogy out of this, but after the previous trilogy, they should have known better their chances of doing that was slim to none. The original is the true and only great movie of the franchise, the others are or should be ignored... even this remake.
I am not a fan of remakes, the more they do, the less I am tolerable of them. I think they should stop and do some original films for a change. I think the most irking is that they do this to classic films... STOP IT!!! Just stop! These remakes are menaces to society and they need to be put away! Those movies made entertainment history, it is time to make some new history and stop trying to remake history.
What do you think is a bad remake? Is it on this list, is it not. I'm sure this is plenty to choose from.