I am the Game of Thrones fan that has never gotten around to reading the books. Every year I tell myself I will read them all before the new season starts, and every year I fail. That is not to say I don’t love the show but I am aware of my limitations in knowledge and commitment. When my GoT friends talk about the show, I nod along and rephrase back to them what they have said because if I were to say what I am really thinking, I would not be considered Unsullied, just plain stupid. Yet I can’t help but think these things as I watch the stories develop and I have a feeling I am not the only one. Someone, even if it’s just one person out there, has surely thought one of these at least once. These are my Game of Thrones confessions of an unworthy fan:
**Warning: If you are not completely caught up with the series, there are minor spoilers ahead.
1- I Know the Names of Ten Characters Tops
If there is evidence that George RR Martin is an evil entity it's not the sudden deaths of our favorite characters. It’s the tongue twisting names he has given to every single one of them. You keep hearing them and they don’t stick. Between all the names starting with a T or all the ‘ryus’ names and ‘galeryan’ crap, it all sounds almost the same. I am almost certain he got plastered on hard liquor and just wrote down whatever sound he uttered in his drunken stupor. And then, just for kicks, he adds a Jon and Peter here and there… just to really mess with your head. Well, the joke is on him because the best I can do is ‘the guy who is in love with Daenerys’, ‘that really old guy at the Wall’ and ‘that really evil redhead’. I refuse to remember then.
2- Hodor’s Pillar Scarred Me for Life
There should have been a warning in this episode. My mind was not prepared to see so much of Hodor and with absolutely no context. Was this necessary? Did Kristian Nairn walked into the set naked after an orgy, got into character and began Hodoring? I wouldn’t have been so shocked if the boob to penis ratio in GoT was somewhat equal. But no. For every 3,000 boobs shown, one little Hodor is whipped out.
3- Every Time Bran’s Story Comes Up, I Seriously Contemplate Never Seeing GoT Again
I can only assume the entire epic’s climax lies on the power Bran possesses because if I must endure a storyline as entertaining as watching grass grow, it must be super important. Even so, every time I have to see Bran roll his eyes to the back of his head for five minutes every other episode, I sincerely consider quitting on this series and never looking back.
4- I Still Don’t Understand How Everyone Trusts Littlefinger.
Have you ever looked at Littlefinger? Really looked at him smile, walk, breathe? This guy oozes shadiness. He is the snakiest character ever created. I wouldn’t trust him with throwing out the garbage, much less with any of the kingdom’s responsibilities. Hasn’t he been in the middle of every catastrophe? Why is no one ever suspecting him? More importantly, why are people continuously placing their trust in this guy?
5- I Secretly Really Like Littlefinger
I wouldn’t go as far as rooting for him, but I can’t help but like the bastard. He is charismatic, cunning and knows everybody’s secrets thanks to his brothels and the information his ladies get from their clients. I also can’t help sympathize with the rejection he has received from the only woman he loved and the humiliation in front of the Starks, even if that rejection spurred years of malevolent planning for power and apparently many deaths.
6- I Live For the Day Someone Gets to Slap the Resting Pout Face off of Cersei Lannister
Contempt, superiority and distilled arrogance all collide in every expression of Cersei’s face. The Queen Mother has a constant pout, subtle enough to not be comical but there is enough pursing of the lips to know she considers everyone beneath her. Cersei is the reason the Germans felt the need to create a word like schadenfreude. From her hatred of Tyrion since the moment he was born to her disdain to anyone who isn’t a Lannister, it is no wonder she spawned one of the most hated characters of the show. It is not simply that she is evil because there are few completely noble characters in Westeros. It’s that her hatred is directed to the ones we root for the most. The day when Cersei is punished for the incestuous psychotic fraud that she is, I will forgive George RR Martin for all the trauma he has caused me in the past five years.
7- I Can’t Believe Sam Hasn’t Died Yet
I love Sam. He is endearing and innocent in the mist of darkness yet he is aware of the cold realities that surround him. This doesn’t change the fact that Sam should be a rotting corpse eaten by ravens at this point. The whole approach with Sam is he isn’t fit to be a man of the Nightswatch. He has no sword skills. He is not agile and doesn’t really have any authority. While initially the underdog story is sweet, in the reality of the dark and violent Game of Thrones, Sam should not be alive. Sam should not be outliving warriors like the Mountain and the Hound but Game of Thrones follows no logic, much less survival of the fittest. It is just dumb luck if you get to live or die here and if the Wildlings don’t get you, Winter soon enough surely will.
8- I Secretly Want Cersei and Jamie to End Up Together
I know this contradicts my burning desire for Cersei to die in a fire and we are not even going to mention that I am rooting for the most perverse couple in Game of Thrones –and there are many perversions in this universe. This has nothing to do with Cersei’s happiness. She doesn’t deserve it but Jamie has slowly grown on me. From hating his guts all throughout the first season to pitying him after losing his hand, I have begun to sympathize with the one handed Lannister and the fact that he lives for one person: his sister. I know. I am ashamed of this one.
9- Winter is Coming… Don’t Forget
I don’t care. I just don’t care enough anymore and every time I hear it I swear George RR Martin is somewhere laughing his ass off. What used to be the intrigue of the show has now become Westeros version of ‘Hey, don’t forget why you started watching this show. We promise it’s going to be REAL good. Just wait three more years.’ In the meantime, I will watch Daenerys do nothing, Cersei pout and forget that every writer’s block can be cured with the death of a character.
What are your Game of Thrones confessions?
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