ByZack Saa, writer at

Let me start off by saying this: I love Cameron Crowe movies. Jerry MacGuire is a legitimately great romantic comedy, and I even liked We Bought A Zoo. So when I say this, remember it's coming from a fan, Aloha is so bad, from every film making aspect, that it might be a career ender. The writing is awful, the characters are either one note or highly offensive (and i'm not talking about the person you're thinking of), the plot is incredibly stupid, and it openly disrespects the United States Air Force: not in that it disagrees with the decisions the top brass make (been there) or with the wars we're fighting (been there too), I have no problem with that. This movie makes everyone in the Air Force look like a complete idiot.

First things first, my dad was in the Air Force for twenty years, so the making the Air Force look stupid hit below my belt, but that is not this movie's biggest problem. The movies biggest problem is that it doesn't explain anything. To illustrate this point I'm going to have talk about what passes for plot in this dreck.

We start off in a year; I'm not sure about what year this is set in, because the movie never explains the timeline. From what I gather it takes place while we're still in three wars (they go out of there way to mention this), but after the Crash Of '08 when NASA stopped manned missions and millionaires started paying the military to launch their satellites, or at least that's how I took it, they really don't explain to well. Oh, and it's around Christmas. This fact blindsided me because they don't even show Christmas decorations until the main cast leaves for a Christmas party halfway through the movie. Not that the fact that its Christmas comes in to play at any point, it seems like this was thrown in five minuets before they start filming. I digress.

Anyway, Bradley Cooper is sent by Billionaire Bill Murray to get the King of the Native Hawaiian's to bless the moving of the Civilians gate so that... I'm not sure, they don't do a good job of explaining. Cooper says that they need the land to consolidate two bases into one location, then at some point they say it's so they can launch Bill Murray's satellite, but they show the satellite launching from a platform off the coast. Whatever it needs to be done, Apparently.

He gets off the plane and is greeted buy Colonel "Fingers", so called because he involuntarily moves his fingers alot. Why? Does he have a mental disability he's working through and his involuntary finger movements are whats called stimming? Has he come down with a disease that attacks the nerves? Is that the pathos of the character, he has nerve issue and we feel sorry for him because his career (and possibly life) are about to be cut short at a relativley young age? I don't know, it's never explained

Anyway, since this is a joint effort between Bill Murray and the US Armed Forces, Colonel "Fingers" sticks Bradley Cooper with a military liaison, Emma Stone's Alison Ng, a half Chinese, quarter Native Hawaiian fighter pilot (a little complaint but, why have a fighter pilot as a liaison? Why not a Tech or Master Seargent?) who is white, but knows all the myths, expressions, and music of her quarter people. Why is she so interested in all these things? was her father proud of his Native heritage and pass his passion for it on to his daughter? Did she learn about her heritage in an effort to understand where the Native Hawaiins are coming from and better fascilitate a peace between the Hawaiians and Americans? GUESS WHAT?

But before the task can be accomplished... you know what, i'm not giving this scene time it doesn't deserve. Just know that when Taps plays everyone turns toward a plane that's unloading a fallen soldier's flag draped casket to salute and have a solemn moment of reflection. Except Fingers and Cooper just keep talking about how sexy Cooper's ex, Rachel McAdams is. Meanwhile Rachel, who is there in a civilian capacity to greet the fallen soldier as is custom, turns her back on the casket to stare longingly at Cooper. SHE LITERALLY TURNS HER BACK ON A FALLEN SOLDIER AND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO THINK THIS IS ROMANTIC.

*Picks up flipped table* Whatever, the last seven hundred words only describe about the first ten minuets. Anyway Cooper screws over the Hawaiins, falls in love with and loses Stone, helps Murray make the US Air Force look like idiots when he sneaks a nuclear payload onto his satellite (his motivation is explained in one line, "With a nuclear payload in space he could rule the skies"), has change of conscience, destroys payload in space, somehow doesn't go to jail for helping launch it in the first place, gets the girl.

McAdam's storyline is that she is a manipulative bitch that leaves her fighter pilot husband John Krasynsky, because Cooper shows up again (she even tells Cooper her kids are from him to force him to stay, yet we are supposed to sympathise with her over John) because he's always working (as a fighter pilot for the thirteen years they've been married) and for reasons that sound pretty PTSD, communicates non-verbaly. In a letter near the end of the movie, he explains that because of all the things he's seen/had to do his non verbality is his coping mechanism, and that he still loves her. McAdams and Cooper laugh while reading it, but she still goes back to the pilot.

John Krasynsky's character is the only reason this movie didn't get a zero. But I'm done. I need to throw things.


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