Like most people in the world above the age of 14, I have a serious disdain for the Twilight franchise. I can't stand it. I'll just go ahead and put that out there so that the rest of this article can be taken with a degree of understanding.
My feelings are just part of a great many but that doesn't change the fact that it's a popular franchise that still hasn't lost its flare amongst the most devoted of fans. All my wife seems to do all day every day when she's home with our daughter is either watch Twilight or Harry Potter movies.
I mean, I like vampires. Don't get me wrong. I grew up watching old Dracula movies, The Monster Squad and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. More recent shows like True Blood have had their appeal and currently I'm rather enjoying The Originals on The CW (was never really so much a fan of The Vampire Diaries, though).
However, I was never really able to get behind the Twilight series. I never found them to be particularly entertaining movies, the relationship between its core characters was excruciatingly messed up and sent a very questionable message to its target audience, but more than that was it's "fresh" and "modern" take on vampire mythology. More particularly (though not exclusively) was the age old argument of why the vampires sparkled.
I'm not here to have the same debate that people have been having since the first movie was released. I've more or less moved on from that distasteful decision (as did the movies, actually. Did you notice that they pretty much stopped sparkling by the time Breaking Dawn Part 1 came out?). Instead, I'm here to share with you a simple truth that I have determined.
A fascinating truth, in fact.
Are you ready for it?
Here it is.
Twilight doesn't have any vampires in it at all.
I totally know what you're thinking. "How can that be?" I mean, they totally said it in the movie, right?! Yes...Stephanie Meyer and the filmmakers all probably think they were making a series about vampires. But they weren't.
The plain and simple fact is that they went too far overboard with their "re-envisioning" of the vampire lore associated with the Twilight series. Vampires are a legend. You can't alter their roots or abilities any more than you can Greek Gods, unicorns, genies or Jesus. You can update vampires and put your own creative flare on them but they still have to have the same rudimentary foundations. Anne Rice and Joss Whedon updated vampires with The Vampire Chronicles and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, respectively, but they didn't flat out change the details that made them vampires. And since vampires had never before, or since, sparkled (among some of the other things I'll get into in a minute) it's reasonable to conclude that Twilight wasn't a series about vampires.
So what was Twilight about?
Well for that I will begin by siting the observation that I made one snowy, winter day. A few years ago there was a huge snow storm on the east coast ("Snowmageddon" I believe is what the media was calling it). So one of those days I had gone for a walk in the few feet of snow, the sun was shining, and it just so happened to catch my eye that in the sunlight the snow had quite the glistening to it.
And in that moment an epiphany struck me. I couldn't believe that it had never occurred to me before then. The characters in Twilight were not vampires!
They were SNOWMEN!
Yes, it's true! The Cullen Family. Bella. The Volturi. That guy that looked like an Indian Robert Downy, Jr. They were all Snowmen!
Well hear me out. I'm going to break it down for you now.
Pretty much the only thing that Twilight got right about their "vampires" was that they were pale and cold to the touch. JUST LIKE A SNOWMAN! But let's look at the main defining characteristics unique to the characters in Twilight.
1. THEY SPARKLE IN SUNLIGHT
Then, there's the fact that when you hit them
2. THEIR SKIN CRACKS WITH ROUGH CONTACT
Kind of like the brittle composition of a snowman, if you ask me.
And then, if you want to kill a "vampire" on Twilight, all you have to do is (and rather, unreasonably, simply I might add)
3. PLOP OFF THEIR HEADS
I mean who hasn't taken the head off of a snowman at least once in their lives? Be honest. Hell, sometimes the damn things just fall off on their own because of shoddy craftsmanship. It's ridiculous.
So there you have it. We can all rest easy now. People who were angry over the depiction of vampires in the Twilight series can now find solace in the fact that those movies were never about vampires in the first place. In fact, Twilight probably has more in common with Disney's Frozen than it does any vampire movie in cinematic history.
And with that, I now leave you with one of the only ways one can actually watch footage from the Twilight series.
With an Honest Trailer.
Sound off on this rather epic fan theory in the comments below. Do you agree that Twilight is a series about Snowmen? Or do you delude yourself on the idea that they were, in fact, vampires?
If anyone is interested I had written about this once before on a personal blog but I doubt anyone ever read it.
[Disclaimer: Obviously this is a comedy post. Although I expect there to be angry rants from Twi-Hards please try to find the intended humor]