ByBenjamin Marlatt, writer at

Michael (Paul Walker) and Tammy (Denise Richards) are two high school kids that are madly in love with each other. Turns out, that doesn’t sit well with Tammy’s ex Billy Bad (George Pilgrim), and the situation escalates when Michael beats up Billy in a fight. Billy and his thugs get back by catching Michael and throwing him in a lion enclosure at an animal park where he is mauled by one of the feline predators and left in a comatose state.

See, the average bully I was around back in my school days did things like swirlies, wedgies and repeatedly shutting your locker, making you have to reenter the combination over and over again ’cause they’re assholes irrationally acting out over their parents’ recent divorce… or something like that.

These guys, however, bully – well, more like assault and battery – like a boss.

Once at the hospital, Michael is declared dead by Dr. Wachenstein (Terry Kiser) and his assistant Helga (Ellen Dubin) so they can use his brain to control an animatronic dinosaur Wachenstein created. But when the dinosaur breaks loose so he can reunite with Tammy, Wachenstein goes on a mission to get him back and will stop at nothing to do so.

Most every celebrity has that one or two movies they’ve done early on, way, way back at the beginning of their careers, that they’d love to forget. Even George Clooney has Return of the Killer Tomatoes stinking up the back end of his resume.

Although he also did Batman & Robinafter he hit it big on ER.

Tammy and the T-Rex, a film that’s about – yep, you guessed it – Tammy and a T-Rex dinosaur, and is not to be confused with Tammy the groupie’s sexual conquests with each member of the ’70s glam rock band, stars Denise Richards and Paul Walker in one of their very first film roles. Walker, of course, would go on to become a box office star with the Fast & Furious franchise. Richards would soon earn a distinguished, versatile career with such roles as the smoking hot spaceship pilot in Starship Troopers, the smoking hot slutty schoolgirl in Wild Things, the smoking hot nuclear physicist in The World Is Not Enough, the smoking hot assassin in Undercover Brother, the smoking hot cousin of Monica and Ross Geller in Friends and the smoking hot battered wife of Charlie Sheen.

Obviously, the gold standard for dinosaur films seems to be Jurassic Park. Personally, I think it’s The Land Before Time LXXVIII, but that’s just me. One of the big things everyone blew their load over like a bunch of horny preteen boys seeing a boob for the first time with Jurassic Park and this week’s big release, the sequel Jurassic World, is how scientifically accurate those films are. ‘Cause, you know, if I’m gonna watch “science-FICTION“, I won’t watch a single scene until I get the big thumbs up from Stephen Hawking.

Just kidding. He can’t lift up his hands.

Just how scientifically accurate is Tammy and the T-Rex? Well, that’s up for debate. You be the judge with a film whose title card is designed like a Nick Jr. morning show. Regardless of whether it is or not, here are some rather enlightening aspects I took away from this film…

1) Michael’s idea of hiding his truck so Tammy’s parents don’t know he’s about to get some from their daughter is parking it next door to their house.

2) Tammy’s dad calls her on her room phone even though he’s in the living room below her.

3) Actually, I’m not touching that one. My family’s done that on many occasions.

4) Zoos in this city apparently just let their wild animals roam free around the place.

5) If only Michael was fast enough and furious enough. There’s your cheap franchise reference for the day.

6) Smoking in hospitals is not only permitted by the staff, it’s also encouraged.

7) Michael’s uncle is a raging alcoholic for no other reason than to show the hospital encourages excessive drinking as well.

8) CPR is, in fact, easier than those misleading assholes at swimming lessons led me to believe all those years ago. All you have to do is beat on the victim’s chest and scream “LIVE!!!!” over and over again.

9) Dr. Wachenstein isn’t the idiot there; his act is clearly a ruse. No, the dumb-ass would be Tammy for buying hook, line and sinker into what any other r-r-r-r-retard could see is bull shit.

10) For being in a comatose state for what has to be only a couple hours, Michael is able to easily snap out of it.

11) I experience medical miracles like that each and every night. It’s called when I go to bed and then wake up in the morning.

12) For a creature that’s widely known for its gimpy arms, this T-Rex has no problem whatsoever accessing things with them.

13) Things like a payphone to dial Tammy’s number.

14) Jurassic Park’s plausibility ain’t got shit on this film.

15) Dinosaurs don’t like to be peed on.

16) Totally understandable. Neither do I.

17) “Michael, Michael! I’m so sorry, honey. I’m so sorry. We’re going to find you another body, I promise. Okay?” – Tammy

18) Now here’s a shot of Denise Richards riding on the back of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

19) Points #15-16 are just a reminder that it would never get any better for Richards than a threesome with Matt Dillon and Neve Campbell.

20) One of Tammy’s requirements when looking for a new body at the morgue is penis size.

21) What a slut.

22) This film will now forever be my crutch argument whenever some girl gives me shit for liking big boobs.

23) Here’s an exchange of dialogue that actually takes place when token black gay friend Byron calls out to Tammy who’s sleeping with a dinosaur.

  • “Hello… Tammy… You guys in there?”
  • “Is that you, Byron?”
  • “Yeah… are you decent?”
  • “… Just a minute.”
  • Obligatory black “Say whuuuut?” expression.

24) I think it’s safe to say nothing happened. Even the strongest woman in the world is no match for a 13-foot T-Rex dick.

25) Well, there ya go, Tammy. Looks like you don’t need that body after all.

26) Imagine how emotionally heartfelt this film would be if Peter Jackson directed it.

27) Words really can’t describe the ending, but here goes anyway: Tammy pouring liquor on a wired brain, and then stripping for it while a closed circuit TV version of Michael gets off to the point of climax… I couldn’t make that up even if I tried my hardest.

28) Refer back to point #19.

For a premise that seems more like it’d be catered to children, this film is surprisingly darker and raunchier than your average kids movie. So you can’t judge as being a harmlessly dumb kids film. Judging it as a dumb – very, very, very, very dumb – film in general’s fair game though.

Allegedly, writer/director Stewart Raffill made an R-rated cut of this, and wherever that cut may be, I – uh – wow, really?

I hope not ’cause of point #24.

Contrary to what you might think, an asteroid did not destroy the dinosaurs. They actually flung themselves into an active volcano one by one after viewing whatever it is you can actually call Tammy and the T-Rex. It’s not so much a film as it is a monstrosity more catastrophic than their own extinction. Between the sloppy production values and story, one whose humor is too stupid for adults and yet, oddly enough, too adult… and too stupid for children, this set Jurassic Park’s accomplishments all the way back to the Cretaceous Period, and set the bar for dino films so low even Theodore Rex has a greater chance of being accepted as factually true by the paleontology community.

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