Aboard the RMS Titanic, Angelica (voiced by Lisa Russo) is a poor servant girl who’s mistreated by her wicked stepmother and two ugly stepsisters.
What the hell?
This is just a couple of singing mice and a rival cat away from being named Cinder – and there they are.
Anyway, Angelica dreams of finding love as well as her long-lost mother, both of them wishes her heart makes, and only has a blue locket as a clue to her mother’s identity. Meanwhile, upper-class Englishman William (voiced by Mark Ashworth) boards the ship with both his nanny and secretary Gaston (voiced by Jacques Stany) – okay, seriously?!
As you’d expect, William and Angelica meet and fall instantly in love, not even needing the nude drawing to bring them closer together.
Then yada yada yada, the ship hits an iceberg and sinks, dragging 1,517 passengers to their watery graves. The end. Cue that annoying Celine Dion song.
Not that every animated film made turns out be to good, but you have to dig deep – and I mean really deep – to find one that’s at a WTF?! level of bad. Italian film Titanic: The Legend Goes On (which would later be re-dubbed for an English version, quite horribly too) is such a film. There’s singing and dancing and talking woodland creatures (by now you probably forgot I’m still talking about a Titanic movie) and an adorable lead romantic couple and a rapping dog (I am seriously not making that up)…
And an iceberg, one that sank the ship and killed over 1,500 innocent lives.
Say what you want about this film’s bad taste in handling one of the most infamous tragedies in world history. That there wasn’t as glaringly noticeable as the film’s characters. See if any of these sound familiar to you…
- A poor servant girl and her wicked stepmother and two ugly stepsisters.
- A wealthy, black and white crazy-haired she-devil and her two bumbling thugs.
- A Yiddish family of mice.
- A pompous man-pig named Gaston (not even trying for subtlety there).
- Exaggeratedly Mexican mice. I was just waiting for one of them to exclaim, “Weee don’t need no steeeenking badges, Seeeenor! Weee just drank zeee water in Meheeeeeeco and now weee have steeeenky diarreeeeeeeeha!”
- An expecting dalmatian couple.
I don’t care how obscure or buried deep in some hidden vault out in Italy this is. How the hell did this film manage to avoid getting sued up the ass by Disney, Warner Bros. and Don Bluth?
Believe it or not, you’ll be wondering if someone spiked your drink long before MC Canine shows up to freestyle on a ship from 1912, decades before rap became big. The dog, however, will turn you from just wondering to fully convinced, and if it doesn’t, the friendly dolphins that lead the lifeboats to safety certainly will.
Gotta admit, this is pleasantly happy-go-lucky and cheery for a film about a tragedy that killed over 1,500 people (to be fair, the dalmatians shed a couple tears, so at least they’re aware of the massive clusterfuck they’re in the middle of). We even get one of those obligatory “Where are they now?” epilogues that tells us William and Angelica got married and lived happily ever after. If only they told us what happened to the remaining 1,500 that got left on the boat.
Oh yeah, that’s right… They died… Just like Nationwide kid.
Oh, and to those wondering, Angelica and her mother are happily reunited at the end. It’s William’s nanny (What grown, single man still has a nanny?), who took him in and raised him like one of her own. So, in a way, Angelica married her adoptive brother.
At least, biologically speaking, their kids won’t be retarded.
Writer/director Camillo Teti’s blissful unawareness of just how bad the Titanic sinking was is more than apparent here. But give the man some credit; he might’ve inadvertently (or perhaps very much intentionally) kickstarted a new genre. Just imagine these coming attractions…
Lee had given up on his dreams of nationwide glory until one ordinary man gave him a second chance…
“You got one shot at redemption… and it’s there for the taking. I’m not looking for the best man, I’m looking for the right man… Mr. Oswald.”
Opportunity awaited him… but it would be far from easy.
“I ain’t got time for quitters!”
“You want me to play, huh?”
“I WANT YOU TO BE AN ASSASSIN!!”
“I AM AN ASSASSIN!!!!!!!!”
“Well, when you strap on that gun, you better remember the bullet in the back is a hell of a lot more important than the one in the front!”
Cue The Natural theme.
When faced with the impossible, one man refused to give up.
“Great moments… are born from great opportunity. And that’s what you have here today, Lee Harvey. That’s what you’ve earned here today. One shot.”
He said he was a patsy…
“Ten presidents, nine might survive. But not this chief. Not today. Today, you stay on target with him. Today, you shut him down because you can!”
They said he wasn’t alone…
“You were born to be an assassin. And you were meant to be here today. This is your time. His time is done.”
They said Vice President Johnson was in on it…
“It’s over. I’m sick and tired of hearing about what a great program the ‘New Frontier’ is. Screw it. This is your time!”
Against all odds… A champion was born.
“Now go up there – sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository – and take it!”
“You never gave up on me, coach.”
“Don’t worry… I’ll be watching… over there on the grassy knoll by Dealey Plaza.”
… Or will he?
Walt Disney Pictures Presents… Zac Efron… Kurt Russell… and Air Bud’s Buddy the Dog as Jack Ruby, the Rastafarian, black metal growling, gansta rapping dog ’cause – hell, at the level of bad taste the film’s already at, why not?
One Shot at Glory: The Lee Harvey Oswald Story
Opens everywhere 11/22/15.
Or if uplifting, inspirational biopics aren’t your thing, there’s always chick flicks…
Adolf is a man on a mission…
“Conquering continents, eliminating inferior races, indoctrinating the youth… Who’s your daddy?”
Anne is a blogger just trying to make ends meet…
“Today’s post, ‘Men: Why Bother?’ You go all in only to have your commitment incinerated into ashes… The constant threat of extermination sucks the big one too.”
Two completely different worlds…
Two completely different ideals…
Two radically different views on the Jewish people…
“Will you stay with me!”
“What for? Look at us! We’re already fighting!”
“That’s what we do! We fight! You tell me Charlie Chaplin called, he wants his tacky mustache back, you boorish sauerkraut-breathed asshole and I call you a Shylock-nosed, money grubbing, pain in the ass, rat-faced Jew whore… which you are… 99% of the time!”
… Yet fate will bring them together.
(Adolf and Anne stare passionately at each other in the pouring rain before slowing leaning in to kiss)
Cue “Torn” – Natalie Imbruglia
From Academy Award nominee Nancy Meyers, director of What Woman Want, Something’s Gotta Give and How to Beat an Afghani Woman in 10 Punches…
And Nicholas Sparks, best-selling author of A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, and the long-awaited prequel Slavery: The Not-So Lucky Ones…
“It’s gonna be really hard. And we’re gonna have to work at this every day, but I wanna do that ’cause I want you, Hitler. I want all of you. Forever. You and me. Everyday.”
“… I have cancer.”
“That’s okay… Turns out I can talk to dead people… Six million to be exact.”
Patrick Dempsey… Kate Upton…
The Diary of Anne Frank: Hearts on Fire
Society ruled their love forbidden…
His persecution against her people didn’t help much either…
But love conquers all… except Nuremberg.
If you took the maudlin manipulation out of James Cameron’s Titanic and replaced it with two drops of acid, you might get something along the lines of Titanic: The Legend Goes On. Be it the blatant Disney/Don Bluth knockoffs, the rapping dog or those steeeenking Meheeeecan mice – yes, all passengers aboard the infamous passenger liner – you’ll be pinching yourself black and blue all over in order to convince yourself that what you are seeing onscreen is actually real.