ByEdwin Patrick Viruet Jr., writer at Creators.co
Pop culture is my life. Film, TV, comic books, novels, video games, it's all art.
Edwin Patrick Viruet Jr.

So the dinosaurs are back and this time the park is open in a new attempt at Hollywood saying "we can't come up with anything original, but we know how to tickle your nostalgia!" Well, you did it again and you'll keep doing it. But this time it's a bit different. This is one of those franchises that is in a billion people's hearts, add that it's all because of one movie. One of the many that shaped film making. Introduced a little piece of movie making technology called CGI, a now over used marketing tool. But regardless, Steven Spielberg (who I love and hate) gave us one of many classics with that first Jurassic Park, and from it's initial release in 1993, stayed with so many people as one of the definitive must see movies. That classic John Williams score gives goosebumps and brings people to a simple time in their lives, even adults who were adults when the film came out. So when talks of a new Jurassic Park movie started, the buzz got huge quick. Because of how shitty The Lost World (1997) and Jurassic Park III (2001) were, it was in development hell for so long, and Spielberg shifted his attention to another franchise of his and decided to rape his own filmography again with Indy 4 so it seemed as if all hope was lost for an unnecessary sequel to a movie that already had unnecessary sequels. Seriously, just think about it. Jurassic Park is fine on it's own and makes more sense if there isn't sequels because of the main theme of the story line (don't fuck with nature), but fuck it Hollywood's out of ideas for original summer blockbusters and Toys-R-Us needs a new line up of dinosaur toys.

Now that's, um, chaos theory
Now that's, um, chaos theory

So when a new movie in a successful franchise is in development hell what does Hollywood usually do? Wait for the fans to reminisce about what originally made them fans in the first place then get a new staff and have the original director be the executive producer!

So here we have Jurassic World, a film directed by Colin Trevorrow (fresh off his indie comedy Safety Not Guaranteed starring the love of my life Aubrey Plaza which is great), written by the staff who rebooted the Planet Of The Apes franchise, and is a direct sequel to the first ignoring the bad sequels. Wait, that last part, with ignoring the bad sequels, isn't that what Terminator Genisys is doing?

I'm fine with that instead of original bad movies
I'm fine with that instead of original bad movies

Whatever. Anyways, lets forget that continuing the idea of opening this park after people died and not learning your lesson isn't the stupidest thing on the planet (I know people have died in Disneyland) and lets not think about the other characters in the first Jurassic Park that survived would have probably went against the idea (Dr. Grant literally says to Hammond "after some consideration, I've decided, not to endorse your park"), because the park looks fantastic. The set designers really went out of their way to make this look like a realistic park, because the attention to detail is astonishing, to the point where the product placement isn't annoying.

That's not subtle
That's not subtle

But seriously, the park looks fucking beautiful. Reminds you that's it's really been 22 years since we've seen Isla Nublar.

Right down to the petting zoo

You really DID spare no expense
You really DID spare no expense

THIS, is what I think people wanted to see in a SECOND Jurassic Park movie! Why Spielberg or any writers not think of that before the world may never know. I knew we were screwed with Lost World and JP3, but the degree of how screwed we were wasn't fully realized by myself until the film unveiled itself onto my eyes.

and before you even knew what you had, you patented it, and packaged it, and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now [bangs on the table] you're selling it, you wanna sell it!
Now that's, um, chaos theory
Now that's, um, chaos theory

So 22 years since the events of Jurassic Park happened the park is open and attracts people from all around the world and is a success and probably coast a fuck load of money to visit. I mean CMON! YOU TAKE A GODDAMN CRUISE SHIP TO THE ISLAND!

Spare no expense my ass no kid or family from the ghetto is going to afford seeing any of this fuckin park!
Spare no expense my ass no kid or family from the ghetto is going to afford seeing any of this fuckin park!

So from what you can gather after seeing the film is the park has been open for a decent amount of time, and, well, people are actually bored of dinosaurs, which I think is brilliant. There's all these incredible monsters in front of them and more than half the kids are on their cellphones. It's great social commentary and you don't have Jeff Goldblum going...

Life, uh, finds a, uh, way
Life, uh, finds a, uh, way

But that begs the question, would even a bunch easily-led automatons from this teenage generation worry about seeing their notifications from the Facebook or the Instagram or the Snapchat instead of seeing A FUCKING DINOSAUR!? Anyway, for the most part, it's the first movie but this time the park is open. Scientific fuckery, don't do this or that with nature, the dinosaurs in the jungle, the dinosaurs are animals too, the hunter saying you shouldn't go after them, someone trying to adapt to kids, it's all mostly the same shit, but this time the park is open so it's the same plot points and characters with a twist. Now you may think I find this annoying, and sometimes I do, but I decided to throw on my nostalgia glasses for this movie and it didn't bother me as much. There was enough new and old to keep me satisfied. Except for the character development, as in there's none of it. WHATSOEVER! Forced romance, forced family issues, forced plot dilemmas that just come off as mimicking the first film, and no characters grow whatsoever by the end of the film.

Still a fucking badass, Starlord or Andy Dwyer
Still a fucking badass, Starlord or Andy Dwyer

I think the only character who grew at the end of the film was Ron Howard's daughter's character. She was a corporate suck up and a horrific aunt in the beginning, and then her 1-dimensional shitty character changed her ways by the end, but lets be honest, she probably made a change because the bitch was running in high heals the whole fucking movie!

I would show her my Da Vinci Code and spare her a big expense, from my pants (Sorry Richie Cunningham)
I would show her my Da Vinci Code and spare her a big expense, from my pants (Sorry Richie Cunningham)

And what a waste of acting talent. Vincent D'Onofrio playing the most cliched 90s bad guy in existence! My god, what the flipping fuck?!

I'M GONNA TALK IN MY OBVIOUS BAD GUY VOICE BECAUSE I'M SO OBVIOUSLY THE BAD GUY
I'M GONNA TALK IN MY OBVIOUS BAD GUY VOICE BECAUSE I'M SO OBVIOUSLY THE BAD GUY

Good thing nobody gave him a rifle.

FULL... METAL... JACKET!
FULL... METAL... JACKET!

Maybe if he made this face?

Looks like the guy I buy fried dumplings from
Looks like the guy I buy fried dumplings from

Maybe if they brought back Samuel L Jackson's character from the dead?

"It could have been worse John."
"It could have been worse John."

How did his character die again?

Oh shit totally wrong Sam Jackson death!
Oh shit totally wrong Sam Jackson death!

Oh well.

"My name's Pitt, and you ain't talkin' your ass outta this shit."
"My name's Pitt, and you ain't talkin' your ass outta this shit."

Whatever. Anyway they open the park and these two brothers (big brother punk ass and little brother no life dino nerd) visit while their parents settle a divorce and they're related to Ron Howard's daughter's character (she's the aunt like I said earlier). SOUND FAMILIAR?! Yea when I said there's moments that mimic the first, I don't mean paying homage to the first movie, those moments are awesome. I'm talking about shit like that. Straight out rehashing the same exact plot points from the first film. Though to the film's credit, it does a better job of actually giving the plot points actual endings. Yea did you ever notice how the first Jurassic Park had a fuck load of expedition and plot points and side story lines and character dilemmas that went nowhere?

Who cares? I'M A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX!
Who cares? I'M A MOTHERFUCKING T-REX!

So the park needs a new attraction and they decide to make the Indominus Rex, or as I like to call it, the FuckaShitYourPantsasaurus Rex. A hybrid of dinosaurs that's bigger, scarier, and sure to bring attention back to the park, based of a study showing that people want bigger and scary. Not that this park had issues before RIGHT?

The Indominus Rex
The Indominus Rex

The CGI sucks so bad, but at least it's not Michael Bay bad. It's just, IT'S BEEN 22 YEARS SINCE THE FIRST JURASSIC PARK! Those special effects were groundbreaking for it's time and continues to stay looking fresh, polished, and realistic. Last year we saw the release of a new American vision of Godzilla, and that had some of the most realistic, jaw dropping effects I have ever seen shitted out of a computer. These effects bother me because even the good effects in the film get out shined by the shitty ones. Even the animatronics used have CGI crayons colored all over them.

Actual good CGI does exist in the film
Actual good CGI does exist in the film

So they call Mr. SexyBoxOfficeAllNerdsWannaBeHimOrFuckHim I MEAN CHRIS PRATT, who plays as some Ex-Navy Seals guy who trains the Raptors, to take a look at the ShitYourPantsasaurus and the psychopath of science fuckery escapes and what ends up happening is your typical Jurassic Park movie with some new things done (FINALLY). Yea, the story line is pretty bad, but it's not teeth grinding bad. Some silly and predictable plot twists, pointless characters who for some reason randomly have importance for no reason, and a really weird set up for a sequel with that Asian doctor from the first movie and Law & Order SVU randomly turning into a villain out of nowhere and escaping. Don't worry that's not a spoiler he's not even in most of the movie. With all that said, honestly the plot moves forward smoothly enough for you to at least enjoy it for what it is.

Should've called Bert Macklin
Should've called Bert Macklin

THE VERDICT:

Jurassic World is a decent movie. Decent acting, decent characters, decent special effects with some awesome moments that will definitely give you the satisfaction you deserve after paying the ridiculous price for admission. With an awesome T-Rex moment and awesome dinosaurs and awesome Chris Pratt, the film does what it's meant to do. Remind us how truly amazing Jurassic Park is. I would be lying if I didn't say there's a fantastic moment at the climax of the film that gave me the same feeling I had as a little kid witnessing one of Steven Spielberg's masterpieces of art. I recommend you see it in the theaters unless you already realized this was an unnecessary movie before the trailer even came out, then watch it when the Blu-Ray comes out. Jurassic World gets a 3 stars, out of 5. A decent film on it's own, and a good addition to the legacy of the original. All jokes aside if they actually come up with some new ideas and an original story line I'm on board for a sequel, but if that sequel sucks I'm treating these fuckers like Mr. T-Rex treats lawyers!

I could watch this gif for all eternity
I could watch this gif for all eternity

Now lets not forget one of the most beautiful moments in film history.

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