We started out discussing which modern horror remakes were the best, but with every good thing you have even more of the bad. Unfortunately for us the bad outshines the good and is a lot more prevalent, especially when it comes to the modern horror genre.
Why are these so bad? Well, for starters you don't have to remake everything. A lot of these were adaptations of movies that didn't need a remake and films that weren't even that old. Another reason is, to put it bluntly, they just plain suck. The writing is bad, the plots are often convoluted, the casting is bad, and a lot of the time they come across as more comedic than anything else. Hollywood is lacking originality and it's obviously become a cancer that has spread across filmmakers.
Let's get started!
Friday the 13th (2009)
When I saw this remake I was convinced within 10-15min that I had accidentally walked into a porno film. I hadn't but the amount of sex, drugs, nudity, and F-bombs this adaptation starring Jared Padalecki, Aaron Yoo, and Danielle Panabaker was enough to make you think you were watching a parody of the Friday the 13th story rather than a remake. This movie reiterated my hatred of the modern horror trend. No, seeing boobs isn't going to kill you but to have it to the point of ridiculous is just unnecessary. I tried re-watching it a while back thinking maybe I had remembered it all wrong.
Nope. It was still horrible.
The Wicker Man (2006)
Don't even get me started on how unintentionally hilarious this movie is. The adaptation of the 1973 thriller about a policeman entering a neo-pagan cult to investigate the disappearance of a young girl came across as ridiculous, funny, and convoluted. Starring Nicholas Cage in the lead role, I don't know what else you would expect. If you want proof that Cage is most likely genuinely insane go ahead and give this adaptation a shot. You'll get to see him mocking women, punching women, and yelling at women (lots of yelling). Not to mention get stung by lots and lots of bees.
The Amityville Horror (2005)
I'm the first to say the 1979 original was nothing special either, but this modern adaptation starring Ryan Reynolds and Melissa George was pretty far fetched. The writers decided to skip any potentially scary revision and decided to go with some ridiculous backstory regarding an Indian burial ground and dungeon that is luring the evil ghosts into the house to trap any good ghosts. In other words, they turned it into a combination of The Haunting and Poltergeist and is was pretty bad. The only highlights were Reynolds shirtless with a grizzly beard.
I don't even think I can put into words why this is such a horrible movie. Aside from being widely recognized as perhaps the worst adaptation of all time, the shot-for-shot remake suffered from bad casting and bad direction. Starring Vince Vaughn and Anne Heche, the only thing they were able to do is make a 1960's horror movie look even better than it already was.
One Missed Call (2008)
Often considered to be the worst Asian to American conversion, One Missed Call managed to miss just about every mark it could have hit. Lacking overall suspense and decent dialogue, the story about a ghost curse spread through cell phones was more of a snooze than a scare. It also continued the unbelievably dull casting choices and performances led, in this case, by Shannyn Sossamon and Edward Burns.
This remake could have been great considering the casting choices for certain characters. The 2013 take on the 1976 classic starred Chloe Grace Moretz, Julianne Moore, Judy Greer, and Ansel Elgort but a cast that looked good on paper didn't necessarily translate well on screen. I know how horrible this sounds, but Moretz was all wrong for Carrie White. It was obvious to any viewer that their attempted "make-under" of Moretz was unsuccessful as it came across as unbelievable and silly that a girl that pretty would be considered plain and teased for her awkward appearance, especially the way Carrie is portrayed in the original novel by Stephen King. Throw in supporting characters and a modern twist involving cell phones, cameras, and plain old high school mean girls this take on the classic story was nothing more than a CGI-filled mess that tried way too hard and fell flat on its face. On top of that, Carrie's telekinetic powers were portrayed to look like she was using The Force. Maybe Moretz would have been a good choice for Star Wars after all.
The best part was Julianne Moore as Carrie's religiously abusive mother, Margaret. Not better than how Piper Laurie portrayed the character in '76, but it was enjoyable enough. The 2002 TV version of Carrie was pretty horrible, too. Don't forget that one.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
This Michael Bay take on the 1984 classic has been widely mocked and ridiculed for it's portrayal of the story and of the iconic villain, Freddy Krueger. Lead actress Rooney Mara even made it public that the movie was awful and she regrets taking the role of Nancy. Bay's remake decided to paint Krueger (played by Jackie Earle Haley) as some sort of kiddie rapist and that was how he was burned alive and cursed to haunt the dreams of children and teenagers. I much preferred when Freddy was just crazy.
Aside from Mara and Haley, the cast included Kellan Lutz, Connie Britton, Kyle Gallner, and Katie Cassidy. There wasn't anything special about the cast, nothing to rave about regarding performance, and given the fact that it's a Michael Bay film should tell you all you need to know. Pretty much any Platinum Dunes horror film should never see the light of day. Easily one of the worst and most insulting remakes I've ever seen.
House of Wax (2005)
Admit it. You only saw this movie because you heard Paris Hilton got killed.
House of Wax was a take on the 1953 classic starring Vincent Price and it basically turned a great story into a modern horror cliche. The black guy dies, the kids have sex and drink and die, Paris Hilton gets owned, and you wind up liking the stoner and virgin of the group. It was nothing and I debated not even putting it in this list because of how irrelevant it was.
The Haunting (1999)
The modern version of a 1963 horror film of the same name starred Liam Neeson, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Owen Wilson, and Lili Taylor and was yet another modern adaptation to fall down a cliff. Centered around a group of people brought into a house for a sleep study when the plot takes a turn for the worst after they discover the house has a ghostly past.
The Haunting is a decent enough story, but this adaptation was full of cheesy dialogue, lackluster performances, and bad CGI. It even became the central target of satire as it was used for the main storyline of Scary Movie 2 in 2001.
The Last House on the Left (2009)
This one barely made the list as it's kind of in the middle for me. The 1972 cult classic wasn't all that bad, but it was more bad than good for me. The story of parents who seek revenge for their daughter who is raped and murdered out in the woods by a group of convicts is a story right up the alley for the culture of the late-2000's. However, for me, this adaptation increased the unnecessary gore factor and made it more torture porn than actual horror. It could have been worse but it could have been a lot better.
I've grown rather weary of continuing to explain why these movies are bad because let's face it... it's pretty much all the same reasons. Below I will list some more that were pretty awful and I would recommend watching the original and/or foreign counterparts if you're interested in these films. You won't be sorry.
The Omen (2006), Fright Night (2011), Prom Night (2008), Silent House (2011), The Uninvited (2009), Black Christmas (2006), Silent Night (2012), Don't Be Afraid of the Dark (2010), April Fools Day (2013), The Hitcher (2007), The Fog (2005), The House on Haunted Hill (1999), Shutter (2008), When a Stranger Calls (2006), The Wolfman (2010), Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013), The Stepfather (2007), The Eye (2008), Dark Shadows (2012), Thirt13en Ghosts (2001), Piranha 3D (2010)