ByDavid Caracciolo, writer at Creators.co
I write (hopefully) humorous reviews/commentary on the latest news, films and TV sprinkled with a healthy dose of pop culture references.
David Caracciolo

Like the Australian government keeps reminding us. If you can’t protect your borders you can’t protect your people. Nowhere is that more true than in Jurassic World where the threat isn’t coming from boats, people smugglers or White Walkers. These critters have sharper teeth and will bite you if given the chance. No, I’m not talking about Johnny Depp’s dogs either.

I’m talking dinosaurs! Everyone’s favourite T-Rex is still there but this time she’s joined by a new batch of ancient reptiles from the sea and sky. The raptors are back too. Yay! We knew from the first film they were smart enough to open doors. In this latest version, they can even follow basic commands! Not even Siri can do that!

It all takes place 22 years after the events of the original. Jurassic World is now a fully functioning dinosaur theme park. It’s not an entirely new concept. Our very own millionaire, Clive Palmer once opened up the largest dinosaur park in the world. That didn’t end well either. Although in that case, it wasn’t the dinosaurs eating everything in sight.

One of these is the largest land carnivore of all time weighing up to 7 tonnes! The other is a tacky statue.
One of these is the largest land carnivore of all time weighing up to 7 tonnes! The other is a tacky statue.

To keep a park like this alive you need innovative ways to sell tickets. People are not gonna keep spending money to see something 65 million years old come back from extinction, unless you’re Madonna. The park’s scientists believe they have the answer with the introduction of a new, dino-hybrid called Indominus Rex. With a name like that, I’d want to kill my creators too.

Bigger, louder and with more teeth, Indominus Rex is a wicked genetic cocktail of some of the most intelligent and scariest dinosaurs known to man. What could possibly go wrong? Everything, when the “asset” gets out of her enclosure. What? They couldn’t build a wall high enough to contain her? That’s what happens when you trust this clown…

I would build a great wall, and nobody builds better walls than me, believe me.

Last time we saw Chris Pratt he was leading a group of misfits in Guardians of the Galaxy. Now the raptors have chosen him as their “alpha”. He plays Owen, the dino-whisperer, who can get the raptors to do just about anything. That’s right, we’re one-step closer to a world where dinosaurs can wash the dishes. Yabba-Dabba-Doo!

Bryce Dallas Howard plays Claire, the operations manager and worst babysitter since Woody Allen. She’s also Owen’s love interest despite the fact there’s more chemistry between him and his raptors. Nevertheless, he spends most of the film trying to remove her clothing. It’s a tough ask. Not even being chased by a T-rex can get her heels off!

There’s been some controversy over the whole heels thing saying that it’s a sexist portrayal of women in movies. Are we forgetting the white dinosaur in the room? Indominus Rex happens to be female. But she’s the villain. That’s not the point! Heels and 14-foot tall predators belong together. I didn’t hear anyone complain when this happened…

Here we go again, another unrealistic portrayal of women in heels riding golden lions.
Here we go again, another unrealistic portrayal of women in heels riding golden lions.

The story goes that the Indominus Rex ate her younger sibling. The same can be said for the movies. Jurassic World borrows a lot of DNA from the original and it’s not a bad clone really. What’s missing is more fleshed out characters for the audience and dinosaurs to sink their teeth into. That’s what made the first film so great. Anyways, it still packs a heck of a bite.

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