SORORITY ROW. 2009. DIRECTED BY STEWART HENDLER. STARRING BRIANA EVIGAN, LEAH PIPES, RUMER WILLIS, JAMIE CHUNG, AUDRINA PARTRIDGE, JULIAN MORRIS, MARGO HARSHMAN, MATT LANTER AND CARRIE FISHER. REVIEW BY SANDRA HARRIS. ©
I’ll be honest with you. The American university system is like a whole different planet to me. They’ve got their fraternities and sororities, they’ve got their pledging and hazing and rushing and valedictorians, and they’ve also got their habit of naming their fraternity and sorority ‘houses’ after bits of the Greek alphabet.
Oh, and the frat boys are always trying to have sex with the sorority girls and vice versa, and they have mad parties called ‘keggers’ where everyone ‘chugs’ too much booze and takes drugs and has sex with everyone else. Or such is my understanding anyway, after watching films like this one.
Here in green old Ireland, we don’t have any of that. We just have lectures and exams and shockin’ high course fees and, if you’re lucky, a ride and a bag of chips every now and again. It’s much simpler, though that’s not to say that it’s any better. The American way of doing things seems like it might be a lot of fun, for the seemingly privileged boys and girls who can afford it, that is.
This film, as you might have guessed from the title, concerns a bunch of girls in a sorority house in an American college. They’re called Cassidy, Jessica, Claire, ‘Chugs,’ Ellie and Megan. Theta Pi is the name of their sorority.
They all seem like horrible bitches, if you’ll excuse my forthrightness. They’re supposed to be friends but they don’t act like it. They treat each other dreadfully. They’re catty and nasty and selfish and self-absorbed, for the most part, especially Jessica, the beautiful-on-the-outside-but-ugly-on-the-inside Queen Bee of the group. Oh, and ‘Chugs,’ who didn’t get her repulsive nickname from sipping sparkling water, is a pretty unpleasant person too. And Claire is a total slut. Bruce Willis’s kid Rumer is whingy and annoying as Ellie. I’m just saying, is all…
One fateful night, during the drunkenest party to end all drunken parties, a nasty prank goes wrong and Megan ends up dead. Jessica, whose sense of self-preservation is probably the most highly-developed of all the girls, convinces the group that telling the police would only serve to ruin the rest of all of their lives. So, what do they do instead? They throw Megan’s body down a mineshaft in a spooky deserted area and go back to the party, and their lives. As you do…
Can you possibly guess what happens next…? Well, if you guessed that several months later, just when the girls are graduating, someone starts sending the Fearless Five picture messages of Megan’s dead body, you’d be right. And if you also guessed that a mysterious cloaked figure starts bumping off members of the group and anyone else who knows about what happened, you’d be bang on the money. And if you then went on to guess that the hysterical girls think that Megan’s come back from the dead to wreak a bloody revenge on the five bedhopping skanks she used to call her ‘sisters,’ you’d go straight to the top of the class.
The dialogue is clunky and utterly unbelievable at times, which does detract a little bit from the effectiveness of SORORITY ROW as a gory horror/black comedy, but otherwise the film is good fun. And trying to guess the killer is a great laugh. Twice I thought I had it but I was wrong. It’s impossible to guess. You absolutely won’t be able to guess correctly, I guarantee it. Go on, guess! See? Totally wrong, haha.
The only real problem with the film, which is based on the 1983 movie, THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW, is that it left me wishing that I was a rich-bitch sorority girl in an American college, with a rich father and my own car and a rich, handsome boyfriend with whom I could have great sex in the college jacuzzi on graduation night. (I ask you, a f**king jacuzzi…? When I went to college, we were lucky if we had showers…!) But other than the vague sense of dissatisfaction with your own vastly inferior life that the film might leave you with, SORORITY ROW is a fun watch. If you’ve a couple of hours to spare, it might just be worth your while to try it.
AUTHOR BIOGRAPHY OF SANDRA HARRIS.
Sandra Harris is a Dublin-based performance poet, novelist, film blogger, sex blogger and short story writer. She has given more than 200 performances of her comedy sex-and-relationship poems in different venues around Dublin, including The Irish Writers’ Centre, The International Bar, Toners’ Pub (Ireland’s Most Literary Pub), the Ha’penny Inn, Le Dernier Paradis at the Trinity Inn and The Strokestown Poetry Festival.
Her articles, short stories and poems have appeared in The Metro-Herald newspaper, Ireland’s Big Issues magazine, The Irish Daily Star, The Irish Daily Sun and The Boyne Berries literary journal. In August 2014, she won the ONE LOVELY BLOG award for her (lovely!) horror film review blog. She is addicted to buying books and has been known to bring home rain-washed tomes she finds on the street and give them a home.
She is the proud possessor of a pair of unfeasibly large bosoms. They have given her- and the people around her- infinite pleasure over the years. She adores the horror genre in all its forms and will swap you anything you like for Hammer Horror or JAWS memorabilia. She would also be a great person to chat to about the differences between the Director’s Cut and the Theatrical Cut of The Wicker Man. You can contact her at:
1) ‘… BY A WOMAN WALKING HER DOG…’
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4) ANOTHER FIFTY REALLY RANDOM HORROR FILM REVIEWS TO DIE FOR…
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10) VISITING DAY
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