ByTy Lyons Graynor, writer at
20-year-old full time student getting his Bachelor of Fine Arts in Dance Performance with a sick, twisted, and fucked up background in horro

Key Word: Finally
Key Word: Finally

Why are we doing this to ourselves people?

A series that's somehow be able to draw, confuse, and fuck up every last bit of it's followers. It's safe to say that there are a handful of movies out there that you can only bring yourself to watch once. Tom Six has successfully been able to not only write, but also direct three of those movies for me. I'm making a bold assumption that after I painstakingly watch the third and final sequence of The Human Centipede, I will without a doubt never watch it again unless there's a large bong or 40oz involved.

Cute plan Dwight...
Cute plan Dwight...

Here's basically how I narrow down the previous works:

The Human Centipede (First Sequence): We've successfully infused the 'cabin in the woods' setting with an 'Anal' German Jigsaw and created the next raw exhibit at the MET.

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence): We wanted to fuck you up even more by adding about five more people to the line, break the fourth wall by having actors play themselves, and most importantly make you really question why you chose to watch this after dealing with the first (which actually seems 'PG' compared to this one). Oh, and we really took a step back to the 40's and turned it into a black and white shit-fest!

The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence):

What to expect when you're expecting?

I watch the trailer for the Final Sequence, keep an open mind, and find it really hard to say that I'll enjoy it as much as I did the previous two. Series are one of the best ways to make money in the horror industry, but alongside of that, they're one of the best ways to ruin a perfectly fucked up idea. It's like baking a beautiful homemade pizza in a clean oven. The first time around it's fresh, there is no mess, and the crust is perfectly crisp. Throw a second pie in and it's definitely not as fresh as the first (maybe a little crusty from the old cheese left in the oven). The third pie better be just for show, because as soon as you bite into that, I'd be expecting some discoloration, fungus, and possibly a case of the shits. By that third sequence, you've got an over-exaggerated mess of a kitchen that makes you wish you ordered Dominos.

I'm not going to judge a book by its cover, but watching this trailer gives me reasonable distrust and disappointment.

"This is exactly what America needs."

Sorry Tom, but Orange is the New Black has already been done and I've already seen plenty of homoerotic ass-eating from my favorite HBO Series: Looking. Please give me more to dream about...

Maybe the best way to control a governmental facility is to get everyone on their knees in public, but I'm not so sure it's realistic. For me, I need a good balance of realism and the 'unreal' within a horror film. When things become so outrageously ridiculous as this, I can't help but categorize the film as a comedy. So what, maybe it is a comedy! But quite frankly I feel as if I'm about to watch a spoof or a 'Shawn of the Dead' styled flick, and I'm not really signed up for that.

Realistically, who the hell really gives a shit if Six decided to budget a 500-person human centipede just to close out with a-three. The point I'm trying to make is that I'm a little bit worried, being a fan of the first film, that we are going to close out with a stupid dud.

whomp whomp whomp
whomp whomp whomp

Perhaps we should have guessed it from the first movie: three people fucked up (from the butt up) equals three movies. I'm eager, I'm interested, and I got my goggled ready for this 'shit.'

Let's just hope the power of three works for you Six. After all, you sure as hell ain't J.K. Rowling.


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