ByKit Simpson Browne, writer at Creators.co
Writer-at-large. Bad jokes aplenty. Can be gently prodded on Twitter at @kitsb1
Kit Simpson Browne

Now, if there's one thing that the majority of superhero movies are noticeably lacking, it's unnecessarily graphic and unusual sex scenes - which, with much of their running times already filled up with vast quantities of astonishing CGI punching, is actually not all that surprising. After all, when you're already battling to get huge amounts of ultra-violence into a PG-13 movie, adding in a kinky bedroom moment or two is often a tough sell.

In the modern-day comic book world, however, that isn't always quite so much the case - and as it turns out:

Your Favorite Superheroes Have Had Some Pretty Out-There Sex Scenes Over the Years

This is not one of them.
This is not one of them.

Now, for the most part, the most famously 'out-there' sex scenes are actually not quite as 'strange' as they're sometimes described. The infamous Ant-Man/Wasp, scene, for instance?

Now, sure, that's a pretty odd way to approach oral sex - but seeing as Ant-Man and the Wasp specialize in miniaturizing themselves, it's really not that unusual that they'd do the same in the bedroom. Similarly, the implication of Ant-Man's "your turn" - that of some kind of butt-related sexual adventure - really isn't the sort of thing anyone should be judged for.

There are, however, some sex scenes so out-there - and in some cases, so seemingly illegal - that they very much warrant the attention they often receive. The good folks over at Dorkly recently highlighted a couple of particularly notable ones - but to create a truly epic top five of sexual comic book misadventure, it'll need more than even their list described.

First up:

5. Deadpool Goes All Naked Gun on Us

Now, in fairness, this one's not actually all that strange at all - it's just arguably the greatest comic book sex scene of all time, for three key reasons.

1. It features some of the greatest (and most intentionally ridiculous) cross-cutting of all time:

2. That train

And, best of all...

3. The whole thing is an elaborate reference to a legendary Jim Steranko comic, Nick Fury, Agent of SHIELD #2, in which this original artwork...

...was censored by Marvel. For leaving the phone off the hook.

That's right - Marvel literally hired another artist to draw a phone with the receiver in place, presumably for fear that the innuendo would be too much for readers to handle.

Which is doubly interesting, considering some of the stuff that we did get to see, including:

4. It Turns Out Batman and Superman Like to Watch

Or, more specifically, like to watch strange, non-humanoid extra-terrestrial lifeforms having mass orgies.

Y'see, back in World's Finest Comic #289, Batman and Superman head to the Fortress of Solitude for an impromptu bonding session, where they're soon interrupted by a group of strange, tuber-like aliens, who're completely obsessed with emotions.

And which then promptly begin a deeply disturbing mating ritual...

...which Batman and Superman just kind of stand around and watch. Sadly, the aliens - who it turns out are kind of supposed to destroy the Earth - choose to kill themselves instead, at which point Batman and Superman...still kind of just stand around and watch...

Meanwhile, over in Marvel Comics...

3. There's a Whole Lot of Incest Going on in This One Panel

Now, this one's pretty Internet famous already - since it shows (the Ultimate universe versions of) The Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver engaging in a clandestine incestuous love affair, back in Ultimates 3.

Which, being totally illegal and everything, is well-deserving of a place on the list all by itself. The thing is, though, there's a whole lot more going on in that image than it initially seems. Y'see, Wolverine has a secret of his own:

Back in the day, he got involved with the twins' mom, around about nine months before they were born - meaning that it's entirely possible he (and not the assumed Magneto) is their father.

Which means, that shot of Wolverine in the bushes? As far as he's concerned, that's him watching his twin kids bumping uglies - and yet he doesn't really seem to be, y'know, looking away or anything...

Meanwhile, back over at DC...

2. Superman Totally Made a (Horrifying) Porno

Now, in fairness, Supes didn't actually want to star in a porno back in Action Comics No. 593, but...no, wait, actually, that makes it way, way worse.

Superman and (fellow hero) Big Barda were mind-controlled by a nefarious (and massively creepy) evil-doer named Sleez into not only having sex, but into being filmed while doing so.

And, since (when the tape was shown to Barda's husband) it provoked this reaction:

...it's probably safe to assume that it was substantially kinky.

More importantly, though, THAT'S ALL SEXUAL ASSAULT.

Meanwhile, in more-or-less the only way superhero sex could actually get worse after that:

1. Superman and Wonder Woman Almost Kill Us All

Now, in fairness, this one was back in The Dark Knight Strikes Again, and writer/penciller Frank Miller has spent his entire career not really giving a crap what anyone else thinks - and yet, even so. That image up above? That's (fairly obviously) Superman and Wonder Woman having sex up in the stratosphere.

This image, though?

That's what happens when they come back down to Earth.

Yup, that's right - Superman and Wonder Woman caused a catastrophic global event, potentially killing thousands of people, all because they couldn't keep control of themselves during an epic sex romp.

I mean, talk about unsafe sex...

What do you think, though?

via Dorkly

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