BySam Bison, writer at Creators.co

On June 29th 2015 11:11 AM I received an email from one Chanel Bisson (names changed to protect everyone). She thought I was her husband Sam Bisson. I am Sam BISON. In the past I had told her she had the wrong email address. Here's what happened when I played along as if I were her husband. Enjoy.

Remember. She thinks I'm him.

PART 1

Chanel Bisson: My son called you for a reason -HE NEEDS YOU TO HELP HIM JUST THIS ONCE CAN YOU!!

Sam Bison: Sorry. He has always been a disappointment.

Chanel Bisson: Your saying our son has always been a disappointment !!! Your messed up to say that, he's our child and you say some shit like that!!!!

Sam Bison: You're right. I'm the disappointment. I never treated either of you right. How can I make it up to you?

Chanel Bisson: Wow!! Lied about car being at Mike’s -why am I not surprised -I knew you bitch had it so you crashed it rather than loan it to nixon, I KNEW YOU WERE LYING ABOUT IT NOT RUNNING & NOBODY USING IT . ,,,,,,, OUR LIDS,ARE BETTER OFF NOT KNOWING THE KIND OF MAN YOU REALLY TRULY ARE--I WAS DO WRONG ABOUT YOU! !!!!

File for Divorce -pay for it and take name off TIMESHARE!!! THEN YOU'LL NEVER HEAR FROM US AGAIN JUSTCYHEXWSY YOU LIKE IT!!! SAYING OUR SON WAS & IS DISSAPPOINTMENT TO YOU- makes me hate your guts

Sam Bison: My daughter loves me. That's all that I care about. Don't bring Mike into this. He's a good dude, and you know it. Nixon could have been a rock star but he's too close to you. We should have headed to Seattle like I had planned.

Chanel Bisson: Glad emmy loves you, that's only kid you really care about anyways... Mike apparently isn't a good dude if he condones uour behavior and lying & cheating!! Wouldn't know about your plans for Seattle -never heard a word -clearly you planned in leaving us behind anywsy.... just divorce me and continue acting like we don't exist -TO YOU WE DONT!! MISTY AND NIXON ARE BOTH VERY CLOSE TO ME MISTY LIL MORE SO SHE A GIRL- HIOW CAN THEY NOT BE CLOSE TO ME I'M ALL THEY HAVE EVER HAD OR KNOWN- THATS TO YOU AND YIU DECISIONS TO WALK OUT AND LEAVE US OVER & OVER!! YOU GAVE KUD YIU LOVE IN YOUR LIFE -YOU HAVEN'T NEEDED US IN YOUR LIFE & DIDN'T WANT US -ME ESPECIALLY!!!

PAST 2 YEARS SINCE U BAILED ON ME & THEM HAS SHOWN US WE DIDN'T MEAN SHIT & TO LEAVE TOWN WITHOUT A WORD -PROVED EVERYTHING I SAID FROM JUMP WAS TRUE AND STILL IS!!! GOOD LUCK IN SEATTLE -divorce me PLEASE -SO I CAN FIND A MAN WHO IS CAPABLE OF LOVE LOYALTY & CONSIDERATION for OTHERS ( me & my kids) you never put us first in your life NOT ONCE--YOU FEEL INTO YOUR MOMS PLAN AND NEVER LOOKED BACK! !!! GOIDBYE

Sam Bison: Hey. Don't bring the kids into it. I love those damned kids more than life itself. It was just you always harping and complaining about EVERYTHING! Why couldn't you just let leave me alone. I am who I am. Sort of like Popeye, ya know!? Yeah I hate spinach too but who doesn't? Does anyone like that vegetable? Anyway. Tell Nixon he can have the car. I hate that thing. I'm looking at getting a new Dodge Barracuda when they come out. They look pretty rad! Wouldn't you agree?

Chanel: My son is a ROCK STAR ALWAYS WILL BE!!!! IT'S BECAUSE HE IS CLOSE TO ME HAD YOU STAYED CLOSE TO ME YOU WOULDN'T BE SO DAMAGED, CRUEL, AND INTENTIONALLY HEARTLESS TO A WOMAN WHO LOVED YOU FAITHFULLY AND LOYALLY FOR 24 YEARS & 2 KIDS WHO COUNTED ON YOU TO KEEP JUST ONE PROMISE!!!!

WE KNOW THAT WE WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN -YOUR W HER SO STAY W HER AND THANKS For LYING To ME AGAIN ABOUT CAR & crashing it so he couldn't us3 it---thanks for wrecking my car & OUR LIVES!!!!!!!! BLAIR GOT EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTED AS DID YOU!!!! SAM U WERE THE ♡ OF MY LIFE-- and you BETRAYED US ALL!!!

Sam: Problem with him being a Rock Star is he's like Imagine Dragons to my Jimi Hendrix. They suck. Have you heard them!? You were faithful and loyal, I give you that. But talking to you was like talking to an Indian telemarketer. It seems cordial and nice, but you really don't understand everything they're saying to you. Plus the drugs. You know I had issues with that. I loves that purple sizzurp something fierce. You should have tried it with me. Please don't drag Blair into this either, and can you get my gun collection back from your mom. Hey. Did you buy a confederate flag recently? I did. Ain't nobody telling me what I can do. Not even you! And stop being so hurtful with your words. You broke my spirit years ago. Why do you have to continue to break my heart.

Chanel: .it's the kids you shit on every time you broke a promise -YEAH I COMPLAINED AND I WAS RIGHT -I NEEDED YOU TO PROVE TO ME WE MATTERED WE WERE IMPORTANT TO YOU & YOU PROVED WE DIDN'T MEAN SHIT WHEN YOU LEFT - MAYBE IN YIUR HEAD YOU THINK IT'S OK TO LIE, CHEAT, AND NEVER BE SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR WIFE AND KIDS - but in real world in families are normal that's not rooted havior the mother and the father of the kids first you've never put the kids were me 1st your process priority was always your mother and why would we want the car now that's crash into the room and it's also nice to know that you're looking at buying a new truck she couldn't buy us a Christmas card for Kids a f****** gift or even your phone or your son for his graduation like you promised but you go out you buy yourself a new truck and drive it to Seattle and you forget you ever knew us,you forgot we w used the day you walked out on us after my mom died... you never say anything nice yiu Leave us waiting gor never show up.... Anytime I tried to discuss SOMTHING REAL W YOU OR FEELINGS WE HAVE -INSTANTLY YIY SAY NOW STARTS THE BITCHING--so yeah its easy to see why I BITCHES & COMPLAINED BUT AGAIN YOU NEVER EXCEPT RESPONSIBILITY -YOUR THE READON WEXAREXTHEXWAYVWD ARE - admit it or not God knows you know and we know the truth nobody else

Sam: You know I always loved your mom. May she rest in peace. I'm still bummed she kept my guns though. Whatever happened to them? Tell the kids that it was never their fault. They need to grow up strong and be good people. Just like me. That's why I had to go. Like Chris Cornell once said. "I've got to break my rusty cage. And RUNNN!" So what can I do now? The past is the past. Just because a monkey lives in the forest doesn't mean an elephant can sleep with a giraffe.

Chanel: Whoever this is go fuck yourself -I AM FAR FROM STUPID I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING - I can stop smoking weed if I wanted too it's yiu who couldn't -ans if your doing other drugs doesn't surprise me you probably have to do with the drugs to pack and round out the guilt and s*** you feel and as far as you in the purple syrup I really want to know that explains a lot you are someone else we don't know so don't tell me that I don't understand I do understand perfectly well you're a selfish inconsiderate person I didn't break your spirit you broke ours I didn't want you to you you did it to us several hundred times and as far as Blair goes you want me to leave her out of it until her keep big ass f****** mouth shut don't humiliate my children and don't ever speak now with my mother again because I will bash your f****** face and if she does.. Nobody in your family has a right to disrespect my mother she was a hundred times the woman your mother could ever dream of being my mother never did anything to you so don't you ever say one word against my mother ever!!! You really need to save your rent and your readings in your f****** delusional b******* for someone else who buys it I know you better than anyone like I said I need you were lying cheating and we're going to do some chick at my car and it was all true so don't tell me I don't understand I'm just not stupid like the people Sam around with any might believe your b******* because she's gold bull s*** I think the best of you but does she know that you were calling her a w****....

so dont bad mouth me some more. Purple cough syrup & Seattle -- your beyond human reasoning -you make excuses to justify your behavior -and if I pressed issue yiu flip our because yiu couldn't keep story straight. .. OWN YOUR BULLSHIT .....

Chanel: Yiu really need to stop doing meth or syrup or whatever -my mother never had yiur gun collection --I never even saw one ..... your tripping. .... SAY WHATEVER YIU WANT TALK ALL SHIT YIU USUALLY DO- I don't care what you say my son is not a disappointment I am NOT stupid so divorce me and leave us the f*** alone you have any you didn't want to when she was a kid now that she's an adult you need to use it to grow weed you go do that but you need me and my kids the f*** alone divorce me and we change our name you'll be notified goodbye0

Chanel: Uou are not good people yiu grew up around her act like her ( blair) she's FAR FROM A GOOD PERSON OUR 3 KIDS GATE HER THEY THINK SHE'S MEAN -CAUSE SHE IS TOLD YIU ALL THE SHIT SHE DID WHEN YIU WERE LOCKED UP.... WHOEVER THIS IS PRETENDING TO BE SAM WARN HIM FIR SAYING OUR SON HAS ALWAYS BEEN A DISSAPPOINTMENT I FILING FRAUD CHSRGES,AGAIN HIM!!

Good people don't commit fraud walk out on your wife and children they don't cheat they don't lie and make excuses and blaming others and good people don't badmouth their own family at church for months you did all those things for you tell Sam whoever you are you can kiss my ass I love Tim protected him and this is how he shows us loyalty to hell with him and whoever you are !!!!!

PART 2

Sam: You contacted us! I thought this was my ex. Who are you? Why are you saying such hurtful things to us? Me and the precious! I think you need to go down to Hollywood and hire Judge Judith Sheindlin. She'll sort this out and get me back my gun collection. I'm sorry I lied about the car and that Nixon was a disappointment. Mike had brought over some 'shrooms and we had gotten whacked out of our gourds. Tell Skinny Pete and Badger that I'm sorry I still owe them money. I wish you the very best that life has to offer Chanel. Stay strong! I'm going to Seattle. Did you want me to stop by and get the money that you owe me?

Chanel: Seattle go there and stay there you never loved me or them so stop w the bullshit - only make yourself look worse, don't fake it noe you proved to us over past 2 years you & your mom are only people you care about well now emmy you need her here's ti grow --YOU WOULDN'T MOVE OUT OF LOUS FOR OUR KIDS OR TO KEEP THEM FROM FOSTER CARE OR BEING SEPERATED - BUT YOU MOVE OUT FIR JP AND EMMY -THATS DISPICABLE AND HIW YOU CAN EVEN SAY YOU LOVE THEM IS A JOKE- AND YOUR BLAMING MY MOUTH BECSUSE I EOULDCTRYVYO TELL YOU ABOUT OUR NEEDS , WANTS, AND FEELINGS -BUT BECAUSE UNIMPORTANT TO YOU -always called it BITCHING!! YOU WERE A GOOD GUY ONCE LONG AGO BEFORE YOU EVER MOVED TO SAC-SINCE THEN YOU'VE BECOME A MONSTER

Sam (once again quoting Chris Cornell): You call me a dog well that's fair enough cause it ain't no use to pretend You're wrong!

When you call me out I can't hide anymore I have no disguise you can't see through.

Well you say its bad luck to have fallen for me, well what can I say to make it good for you? You wore me out like an old winter coat trying to be safe from the cold!

But when its my time to throw the next stone I'll call you beautiful if I call at all!

Sam : You should bring the kids up to Seattle. We'll listen to some old Temple of The Dog and play with water balloons. We'll have a picnic by that big ferris wheel type thing. They have an arcade there you know? We can touch all the balloons and play some old school Space Invaders. I turned it over one time when I was a kid

Chanel: I don't owe you shit whoever the fuck yiu are get whacked on your drugs do your thing - but as far as gun collection stop smoking method you really have lost your mind!!!

Chanel: Well we won't hold our breath waiting for a call we know WILL NEVER EVER COME PAST 2 years since you bailed you only call when you wanted somthing never just to visit or say you loved or missed us -haven't heard anything other than hurtful lies over past 2 years .. so like I said you proved WE NEVER MATTERED TO YOU SO don't bother stopping by DIDNT HAVE NO PROBLEM LEAVING SAC WITHOUT A WORD TO US NOT EVEN GOODBYE - SO GO TAKE YOUR WHORES AND GET THE FUCK ON--I WILL CONTINUE TO RAISE OUR KIDS ALONE HAVE BERN FOR 19 YEARS .... THE YEAR YOU PRETENDED TO BE THEIR DAD WAS NICE BUT KNOWING IT WASN'T REAL frown emoticon MADE ME REGRET THE DSY I MET YOU!!!

Chanel: We will never come to Seattle all you'd do is bad mouth .e more like have been past few months at church, and yiu never wanted our kids so why would I bring them to see someone e who left us cause he didn't WANT US

Sam: I'm sorry I did what I did. Nobody deserves that. Don't let my failures as a human drag you down into the abyss of misery. You were always the sunshine to my black cloud.Don't let the kids think they did anything wrong. Don't you even think you did anything wrong. You were a great person to me. I just couldn't handle it. Did I ever tell you the story about how my dad locked me in the basement and went on a bender. He got arrested and I ran out of food by the 2nd day. On the 3rd day the light went out and that night I could feel a rat chewing on my finger tips. I smashed the shit out of it. Smashed it into a bloody pulp. My dad let me out the next day. Did I ever tell you that story!?

Sam: You know what I love best about Sac? I love the scene where Brad finds his wife's head in the box. "What's in the box!?" What's in the box!?

Chanel: Whoever this is-itss not my husband Sam Bisson who uses name Bison to troll for pussy!! My husband didn't grow up around hus dad his so called egg donor passed jim around--so I know this ISN'T SAM!# YOUR A PATHETIC PERSON. TO DO THIS AND GOD WILL PUNISH YOU!!!! NOW I'M FILING FRAUD CHARGES ON SAM & Stephanie Smith from ABC1 his names on the contract and papers.. Celebritys is pretending to be Sam permeable piece of s*** they're going to get people caught up in something anything nothing about see you enjoy your day while you can.....

Sam: Oh. You didn't see True Detective last night then did you? Vince Vaughan talks about being locked in the basement. I hope you find your peace Chanel. Don't let the kids think their dad doesn't love them. Some people just have demons of their own to deal with. I'm sure he loves you all as much as he can. You can't sue somebody for fraud if you can't even afford Judge Judy for the divorce. I hope things get better for you. Bison? What does Bison have to do with any of this. NOTHING!? NOTHING!? I think you're probably right.

Chanel: Again who ever you are shut your mouth you don't know what the hell you're talking about and you're right I can't afford a divorce attorney I'm already in the whole $6200 trying to protect my inheritance from some other greedy f****** snakes like y'all, So do t presume to tell me shit about what I can afford, you dont know shit about MY HUSBAND Sam -- YOU don't even know my husband LIKE I DO & you sure as f*** don't know me why should I pay for divorce WHEN he can go down and get it for f****** free cuz he's on food stamps or whatever the f*** it is he's getting he could have divorce me a long time ago for free why the f*** should I pay for it I've been paying for everything for him for & FOR OUR kids SINCE the day they were born he didn't pay s***.... SO TELL HIM TO PAY FIR FOR IT -- and when I say I can file fraud charges I wouldn't say it unless I can prove every word that comes out of my mouth like I said you don't know s***....can't dispute what's in black & white esp when signed by both you & james..... now who's stupid--the Indian telemarketer or the fool who's dumb enough to get caught DEFRAUDING THE GOVERNMENT. .........LOL--ANSWER IS---YOU BOO BOO

Chanel: Stop fucking playing games- whoever that is better pray I don't find out who the fuck they are!!! Will make sure my family reaches out to them & theirs!!!!

IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY FAMILIA & ME -- WE ALWAYS KEPT OUR WORD:)

Sam: Sorry about the loss of your mom. What if I told you that I surnames that begin with'Bis' are fairly common? Would that make you feel better or worse? Did you know that for every 1,000 feet in elevation you go up a mountain that the temperature will drop 10 degrees! Be careful with your threats Chanel. You may find yourself in a heap of trouble. If you don't think this is your husband why not stop emailing this account?

Part 3

Chanel: Because he plays in the gutter and associates w trash and tramps - but UNDERSTAND THIS I'M NOT THREATENING ANYONE--I'M SIMPLY TURNING OVER DOCUMENTS AND OFFER DEES INFO TO THE GOVT... WHAT THEY DO IS UP TO THEM - IF I CAN DEAL W FED MARSHALLS I'M NOT TRIPPING ON YOU OUR THOSE YOU CRAWL AROUND WITH!! MY ONJECTIVE IS SELF PRESEVATIONOF MYSELF AND MY KIDS THOSE WHO GET CAUGHT IN THE WAY COLLATERAL DAMAGE! ! SAM STARTED THIS SO DON'T BRING IT HERE.

Sam: Nah. You shouldn't do that to anyone. Don't ever sell anyone out to the government. That's just not cool. What you need to do is get those kids and take them down to Disneyland or Knott's Berry farm and get some pancakes. Pancakes always make everyone feel better. Am I right!?

Chanel: No your not - and clearly I was RIGHT YIU AREN'T SAM AND MAYBE YOU DO KNIW HIM BUT YOU DONT KNIW WHO HE REALLY IS-- I'M NOT SELLING OUT ANYONE HE DID THAT- I JUST DONT LIKE BEING TRAMPLED OVER OR MY KIDS BEING HURT ON PURPOSE-- CAUSE / EFFECT- ACTION /REACTION--HE DREW FIRST BLOOD--NOBODY HURTS MY KIDS ESPECIALLY PURPOSE TO HURT ME - IF YOU GOT ISSUES W ME BRING IT !!

Sam: No I am Sam! That's what I find so funny. In a way. All guys are Sam. Are your kids healthy? YES. Are your kids smart? YES. Could their dad maybe have done more? YES. But what he taught them was a valuable lesson. "You can't rely on anyone in this world. You can only rely on yourself!" Think of Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. Can you imagine what Luke was going through and yet YES, he saved the entire Galaxy. Why? Because his dad gave up on him early. Taught him how to target Womp Rats in a T-16 at a young age. Isn't that what Sam is trying to do? Use the Force Chanel. Use the Force!

Chanel: Stop smoking meth Sam!!

But at least your sounding more like their sperm donor making up excuses to hide fact that your a non caring lying cheating fraud committing douche-afterc24 years of marriage you send text mess - saying quit job left town that's a BITCH MOVE- UNDOUBTEDLY LEARNED FROM BLAIR-- I'M FILING CHARGES CLEARLY YOUR EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGH. ... CALLING ME CHANEL --YOU REALLY HAVE SANK TO THE BOOTOM OF THE SCUZZ BUCKET frown emoticon I DON'T EVER WANT YOU AROUND MY KIDS WILL SHOW THEM YOUR MESSAGES ALL OF THEM AND MINE- SO THEY REALLY KNIW THE TRUTH NOT YOUR ONE SIDED TAINTED version.... your mom bailed on you at very early age never knew your dad- so U JUST BAILED THAT'S WHAT YOU TAUGHT OUR KIDS.... WILL HAVE YOUR THINGS DELIVERED TO MIKES UP THE HILL... HE RUINED MY CAR BECAUSE YOU ALLOWED IT AND YIY INTENTIONALLY LIED TO YOUR SON FIR THE MILLIONTH TIME!! HOPE THEY PUT YOUR ASS BACK IN PRISON -ALL BECAUSE YOU SPOKE FOUL OF YOUR OWN SON - YOUR only son!!! Gemma loves you huh - like you loved her calling her whore and shit, maybe that why your closer to her and only love her - shes you! ! Sadly

Chanel: You sent my son a picture if my car you crashed and lied about said wasn't running- all along I knew you were fucking lying and I was right -- you have NO SHAME IN LYING TO OUR SON YIU KNEW HOW IMPORTANT LEARNING TO DRIVE WAS FOR HIM PROVIDED SENSE OF NORMALCY -couldn't even give him that -yiur buddy Mike and your whore needed MY CAR MORE RIGHT - THATS ALL YIY CARED ABOUT! !!, CAR ACCIDENT YOU PRO FELL ASLEEP FROM DOING METH AND MUSHROOMS ALONG E PURL SYRUP-- YIU REALLY HAVE FALLEN INTO THE PIT, CAN TELL EVERYONE AT CHURCH THEY WERE RIGHT ABOUT HIM BEING ON DRUGS- THANK YOU FOR THE PROOF, APPRECIATE IT- COURTS WILL BE GLAD TO HEAR IR AMONG W STATEMENT ABOUT YIY BUYING NEW TRUCK ON food STAMPS -welfare fraud too... oh boy double whammy:::))(( irs like Christmas

Sam: I haven't ever smoked meth! Don't call me a donor. You were more than willing to have those kids. 24 years of great times if I remember correctly. Sorry that my meds wore off and I went somewhat crazy. You should have just thought of me as your sister at that point. Don't hurt the kids! Haven't they been through enough? I'm sorry I called Nixon a disappointment. It's just I wanted to name him Reagan, or Chester. No one ruined the car, and Mike isn't even involved in this. I'm just talking crazy because I don't know what to do anymore. Gemma doesn't love me? Did you know Uncle Freddy died!

Sam: What if this was all just a bad dream? What if I'm not the Sam you're looking for? What if I was just some middle aged dude who was starting to feel really bad for you and Gemma and Nixon? Maybe it's just a wrong number on the switchboard of life. Maybe I'm some teen in St. Cloud Minnesota drinking Mtn Dew and smoking bongs. Remember smoking huge massive field fulls of weed. Man I miss those days. Maybe I'm just a figment of my own imagination playing tricks on people. I am LOKI. God of Mischief. Tell Gemma and Nixon that Sam loves them and that if they eat their vegetables (except spinach, because fuk that shit) they could grow up to break this cycle of hurt that we've created. Everyone at this point just wants the best for you and your kids. I'm starting to feel really bad here.

Chanel: Yiu had a huge problem w meth -don't know who you think your kidfing-Gemmyvis daughter asshole loves nixon & Misty he doesn't give a shit about --I knew Gemma love is all you cared about-- fuck all of you-- filing charges I couldn't care less who ir affects in that house or uo the hill where trailer and house are. .. GOD DONT LIKE UGLY YIY MFS ARE DRENCHED IN IT!! DON'T CONTACT ME OR MY KIDS AGAIN WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE YIU NEED SERIOUS PSYCHO THERAPY AND LIKE 5O YEARS OF IT

Sam: It's you who contacted me. I don't even know you. Let me just say this.

I know you're workin' for the CIA.They wouldn't have you in the Ma-fi-a

Why can't we be friends?

Why can't we be friends?

Chanel: How many prsonalities you got--first your Darth Vader and your Loki hod of mischief -uour a delusional disfunction individual w serious team tic childhood issues that have damaged your Soul & spirit beyond belief & only way to protect me & kids is NEVER EVER SEE YOU AGAIN! ! TELL THE REAL SAM NIXON BISSON -HE LOST HIS 2 KIDS AND WIFE -DUDNT LOOSE US -GAVE US AWAY!!!

Sam: I will try and remember to tell him all of that. I need to tell you this though.

Love those kids. You sound like a damned good mom, and I'm sorry Sam broke your heart and didn't turn out to be the team player you thought he was.

It sounds like you have a really rough time dealing with him.

If you're ever in the tri-state area be sure to stop by Crunkles for your free chicken wings.

And I want the timeshare!

Chanel (and 26 attached photos): Stop Maki g excuse it Making me sick- you,Mike,emny,can't trust any of you and if Gemma didn't love you wouldn't if uprooted her family to and come live w your sorry ass, and help you grow weed fir JP- so miss me w thst bullshit -- yeah our kids were hurt and bern through a lot - even more BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T KERP THEM TOGETHER BY MOVING OUT INSTEAD YIY KEY COS TAKE THEM AND SEPERSTED THEM CAUSE YIY DUDNT WANA MOVE OUT IF MOMMY'S - YIUR THE ONE THST HURT THEM THEN AND YOUR THE ONE CAUSING THE HURT TO THRN NIW ESP NIXON AS FOR ME I KNEW YOU WE FULL OF SHIT WHEN STARTED LYING SPREADING RUMORS GOT YOU FIRED-pathrtic... your THE ONE HURTING EVERYONE! !!

enjoy pics last ones you'll ever get!!

Sam: That's a nice picture of you in the Old Glory bikini. It looks like you guys were having a lot of fun in those pictures. What happened? Was it the meth? The weed? The sizzurp? Was it the prescription drugs or the government fraud? What destroyed it all? The kids look happy and smiling. Why can't you find a decent man to treat you right? Is it the drinking? Are you back on the Tussin? Stay away from that Babe! Just say no! I am no longer Sam. I am the Great Xeno. Thanks for the images. I will upload them to my electric brain and disseminate them to the masses. Sam needs help. Help Sam will you? Stay away from the interwebs and forest gnomes. They're just liars and thieves. Bark at the spider will you? Make tea for the Tillerman, and always jump across the cracks. Take care. I'm driving out to Yuma in the morning. Always remember. I am not your spinning wheels, I am the highway!

Chanel:He has problems namely his mother and those skanky tramps he talks to on line- one o those hoes thinks he's gona marry her - he's been married to me fir 24 years he will never divorce me force side piece of used of pussy

Sam: Seriously. Here's what you need to do. Take a trip down to the Russian River Brewery and buy a nice Pliny the Elder. It's the best beer in the world and it's right in your back yard. Then get some fishing gear and head on out and go catch some Salmon. But don't get all crazy and stuff. Just be mellow. No one can deal with roller coaster rides except at Six Flags. In fact. Stay away from the beer. Go buy some leafy green vegetables and some delicious strawberries. Make a salad. Tell the kids you love them, then kick their ass in some Mario Kart. Don't blame Gemma for being a teen or Nixon for not cleaning his room. Forget about Sam. What the hell do you need him for? He has his own battle to fight and he's losing. He's just dragging you down. Rise above it all! You're better than this.

PART 4

OK Fans of the BISSON Saga. Chanel is back. She wrote at 12:46AM after allegedly re-reading my ficticious messages. Here is her response to my writing "You know what I love best about Sac? I love the scene where Brad finds his wife's head in the box. "What's in the box!?" What's in the box!?"

And now the continuation to The BISSON Letters.

Chanel: And get it straight --its SEVEN-- and don't fucking threaten me - first it was you'll have jp kill me - no balls to do it yourself to kill the woman who stood by your side gorc24vyearsxwithout fail even when you difnt deserve it -same woman who raised both our kids on her own since they were born - and I raised Gemma ptovidedceveruthingvshe needed as a kid now I did same gir her daughter My GRANDDAUGHTER WHO- wasn't even brought to see me -even tho I asked both uou and her.... im filing w EDD FRAUD SEPT ON WED HAVE APPT W INVESTIGATOR HAVE TO GIVE THEM ACCESS TO PICS IN MY PHONE AND THEY COPY MESSAGES STATING I GOT YOU FIRED THO YOU WERE COLLECTING UNEMPLOYMENY- the shit you pulled today w the bitch calling telling our kids foul shit- your crashing my car on mushrooms and purple syrup sending me messages from your Bison email talking about my.momstedl8ng your gun collection.... you really need to lay off whatever it is your doing that's causing you to be such a cruel heartless vindictive lying bastard who was CHEATING ON ME I'm trying to make me out to be the bad guy

Sam: I wasn't threatening you. I was telling you why I liked Sacramento. You do realize that when we first got married I was Sam. The real Sam! But a few years into it I got disillusioned and my twin brother Gabe who always secretly loved you decided he would step up and take over my role. Sam moved away and changed his name. Gabe stayed behind and it's really him that you have all these problems with. When we were kids he used to take my Evel Knievel action figures and burn them with magnifying glasses. He is NOT to be trusted!

Chanel: I don't know anyone named Gabe and my hubby has 2 brothers- I don't know who you are or why your using my husband's email but tell him he no longer has 2 kids w me he has his 1 and I gave our 2 - hus fiance called and harassed me all day yesterday telling our kids ND me that Sam dudnt want them or me- that skank even has his name tattooed on her finger well you know what by all means he's welcome to that tramp and she's welcome to him he slept with everybody else went out one more and you let him know that the last day to buy prom tickets for his girlfriend is Friday... And my kids asked me if we would spend for the delay with her daddy as a family like we normally do the answer to that is no more memories with another holiday with stephen as long as he lives....

Then she forwarded it to 4 addresses with the heading: Re: My kids--Sam stop smoking that shit!! Really to say those things about nixon your onlynson, --SUPER FUCKED UP

Sam: We didn't tell you about Gabe because he's our ace in the hole. We only let him out of the shed when we need him to impersonate his twin brother Sam. I think the email is the problem. What if this isn't Sam's email but some stranger who lives in a faraway place? What would you do then? You're up early. Do you eat Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch?

Chanel: It's my favorite cereal.<smile emoticon> reason I'm up is our son has appt w psychiatrist .... there's us no twin Gabe -cut the crap Sam or whoever -I kniw it's you have you any idea of the damage your causing - I literally had to pull over cause our son was beating my dashboard -exactly like you showed him--he's in TROUBLE SAM -I REALIZE YOU DONT CARE ABOUT ME IN FACT YIU GATE ME THSTS WHY I GAVE YOU BACK NECKLACE & asked for divorce plus you were cheating on me ---BUT WHEN IT COMES TO OUR KIDS NINE OF THST MATTERS HUS FRAME OF MIND & emotional state are ALL I CARE ABOUT- NOT ME NOT YIU NOT YOUR FIANCE - besides if what she's saying is true before you can marry her you're going to have to divorce me...

Chanel: He has 40 emails that ARE A PROBLEM !!!!

Chanel: I am beautiful and I'm a a awesome female j may have a mouth but that's what God gave me so all I can say is -U COME AT ME W BITCH YOU GET BITCH - YOU COME RESPECTFUL YOU GET RESPECT -- ITS THAT SIMPLE.

DR WANT TO OUR OUR SON ON 2 MORE MESS DUE TO YOU AND YOUR CRAP YOU BERN DOING TO HIM U WARNED YIU MONTHS AGO HE NEEDED YOUR HELP SAID YOU'D DO ANYTHING TO HELP OUR SON- INSTEAD YIU BROKE HIS HEART 2 MORE TIMES THRN SENT HIM TEXT MESSAGE SAYING QUIT JOB & LEFT TOWN WHICH WAS LIE THEN NEXT WEEK YOU CRASH CAR SAY IT'S MY FAULT YIY GRT KICKED OUT WHEN YOU PLANNED ON MOVING ALL ALONG JUST WANTED TO MAKE ME LOOK BAD AGAIN BUT THEN YIU REALLY DO MOVE AWAY AND DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO SAY GOODBYE AFTER YIU STOOD HIM UO IN FATHERS DAY AND DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO SAY THANK YOU FOR CARD

AND GIFT,,, INSTEAD YIU SAY OUR SON HAS,ALWAYS BEEN A DISSAPPOINTMENT AND YIU NEVER WANTED THEM OR ME!!!

Sam: Tell Nixon to start acting like a Rock Star! Stop with the hitting and acting crazy. He's a good kid. He always made Sam proud. I was out of my head on Froot Loops and Sizzurp when I said all that mean stuff. I'm heading down to the Circle K to get a Slushie. I have to work today so my responses will be slower. Tell your kids they are loved and they will lead great lives. They can't let the problems their parents have hold them back. IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT!

Chanel: Not my fault either !!# only thing j did was live you blindly like a fool! ! My surgety us sept 18th, I kniw you won't be there you'll be home w your girl praying I die from the anathesia ... maybe you'll get lucky and I will:) then you your fiance and your mom can throw a PARTY

Chanel: Your girl was right yiu did tell her you didn't want our kids-, we're done being dismissed by you a man who promised us the world but gave us nothing and walked out tight after my mom left this earth frown emoticon

Sam: We may throw a party but it won't be to celebrate anyone's death. We'd throw it simply because we love listening to some tunes and drinking some ice cold brews. C'mon! Who doesn't like to party. Maybe we'll make it a national holiday. It'll catch on with all the kids. Sept 18th will be like a new cinco de mayo but it'll be called diez y ocho de septiembre. A little long off the tongue but we'll celebrate nothing just like they do on that day! Man. I can't wait for this holiday. Are we done then. We can all go on with our lives? Is Nixon still seeing Dr. Venkman?

Chanel: Do us a favor and DROP FUCKING DEAD!!

FOR THE RECORD WHEN YIU CRASH AGAIN OR GO BACK TO PRISON WE WILL THROW PARTY!! YOUR A DESPICABLE FOUL PERSON, I'VE GOT NO REASON NOT TO TURN YOU IN EDP NOW AFTER THE BULLSHIT YOU JUST TALKED SND RE SHIT YIU SAID ABOUT OUR SON - TELL MIKE HE SHOULDN'T ME MESSING W YIY YOYNTOLD ME THAT GUY WAS UNSTABLE A BI POLAR MOTHER FUCKER WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS DOING WHEN TRIED TO GROW W HIS ASS LAST TIME BURNED YOUR SHIT CAUSE HE'S WACKADOO ON MESS & SHIT ---COTTER GOT PROBLEMS. ... NIXON MADE DECISION TO GET RID OF YOUR LAST NAME ESP AFTER WHAT YIU SAID AND HIW YOU TREATED HIM!!! YOU SAUD GEMMA DOESN'T LOVE YOU EITHER I CAN SEE WHY-- YOUR A HEARTLESS BASTARD! !!! GOOD LUCK W EDD YIUR GOING TO NEED IT!!!! GO TO SEATTLE AND DONT EVER COME BACK- YOU DONT DESERVE TO EVEN KNOW US WE ARE BETTER THAN YIU DESERVE YOU CAN CONTINUE TO LIE CHEAT AND KAY IN GUTTER W PAIGE,HEIDE,KIN,DANIELKE,NICOLE,NANCY AND ANY OTHER PIT FACED TROLL YOU KNOW --I SENT YOU MESSAGE TO your email letting you know that your fiance called and since I know that you were cheating on me for god knows how long but you probably always worry I've met someone he's related to someone we know & hes 29 years OLD-SAYS I'M SMOKING HOT #1 ON MILF LIST and I plan on f****** him maybe sometime next month it's just sex I don't care about him don't give a s*** about him I love you but you know what You HAVE BEEN f****** other b****** FOR MONTHS THSTS,WHY YOU GOT DICK PILLS THEY WEREN'T FOR US LIKE YOU CLAIMED::)

I wanted to be with you but you want to go f*** the other WHORES SO yOU know what you DO YOU AND I WILL LET OLE BOY DO ME - YEAH we're done going on w lives YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY KIDS AGAIN OR ME SO SMILE MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!

Sam: I am smiling Chanel. I am. I'm sitting here in my nice little cubicle of life doing work for the spirit warriors of our nation. They make more money than you'll ever see! I have found the way. I am building a God in my garage. One day I'm going to sit on its shoulders and it's going to fly me off to Mars. Where I will be the ruler of the planet. And you know what!? You're not allowed on it. How about that!? I am going to rule a god damn planet and you aren't even going to be able to visit. You'll just sit here on this dumb rock with your little girly man chummy boy smooth twink freak a deal, and I'll be up on Mars. Watching Welcome Back Kotter re-runs and LAUGHING the whole damn time! So how about that!? Next time you look up at the night sky, you'll be looking at me in ALL MY GLORY! I'm IMPERIAL AND ANTI_BACTERIAL! uuuuh!

Chanel: To see yiu I eill have to look down under the street in the gutter- yiur talking like a fucking idiot who has lost his mind or maybe your just as senile and pathetic as your mother... Mike or Sam or whatever tramp you are you need serious psychological sleep help ,,,, I'm showing Sams messages to the Dr todsy and they will reinforce the no contact order yiur a lousy ass father and a EVEN WORSE HUSBAND -I don't know what the fuck I ever saw in you -- you have sank to Bottom of the shit barrel and I'm ashamed to say I kniw you at this point - people at our church are going to trip out on all your messages sunday I'm sure they saw your girlfriend and your fiance on Facebook like I said if you like it then throw your ass in jail for f****** you know Satch a tory rape...... tske that whole bottle of dick and go do nicki and your mom sure that's why she wants you back home w her- you mother fucker spent to much time in the hills inbreeding . ... don't ever CONTACT MY CHILDREN OR ME AGAIN UNTIL You SEND DIVORCE PAPERS - HELL YEAH NIXON CHANGING NAME EMBARRASSED TO BE A BISSON THANKS TO YOUR GRIMEY ASS REPUTATION

Sam: No. No! When you look at the stars you'll see me! And when are you getting your head transplant surgery. That's what you need. And forget about your holiday. You ain't gettin' one! You tell Dr. Venkman that he needs to email me at this address. I'll set him straight! And I can't believe Nixon wants to change his name. I know I'm no saint but I will be the LORD OF MARS! So here's what we'll do. You come down to old Sac and bring this little boy who you want to sleep with. I'll bring a camera and we'll start an Instagram account. King Sam, Chanel, and twinky the boy wonder. What do all these women and you see in me anyway? Is it my HVAC skills or the fact that I used to have the biggest collection of GI Joe figures when I was a little boy? Tell me. I need to know!

Chanel: You don't need me to tell you your worthless ass hole who's talking like a ramblin f****** idiot he's really gone off the f****** deep end. like his wratchet ass mother!! I don't want you no where near my son and my 29 year old friend I haven't slept with him yet but who could blame me you f***** every nasty tramp from here for 500 miles so f*** you and f*** them and f*** whoever it is until you hit bittom of syruo bottle ot meth pipe & get rehab. .. miss us with all this b******* because you sound like a f******... get a real f****** job !!

you couldn't keep our kids out of foster care what makes you think you're capable of running a plan t fool

Sam: What about you!? All you did was try and start that dumb etsy store. Who the hell wants to buy jars filled with colored sand anymore? I run lots of plants. My favorite being spider plants and marijuana plants. How did you survive all these years without me? You've never worked a day in your life! At least not real work. Like me. I do important things. And thanks for not spelling out the curse words. I've always liked that about you. You could have done alright. Instead you fell for me. Where did I go wrong. It was the drugs and purple drank wasn't it? I should have just stuck with meth. It's more recreational anyway. As the ruler of Mars. I give you permission to be happy. Be Happy Chanel. Be happy!

PART 5: The Conclusion

Sam: The truth shall set you free.

Seriously. I am NOT Sam Bisson or Bason or Snacho or Mordecai or anyone else that you know.

I am a used car salesman in Phoenix, Arizona.

I have been posting our emails on Facebook so everyone could laugh at the lunacy of your situation.

We're all starting to feel really bad though about your kids, and the love you have for them and the real Sam Bisson.

I am posting a picture to show you who I really am.

We all wish you the very best with your life. I know some of my friends will miss your emails.

I will too.

Take care of yourself. Give that love and loyalty to someone who deserves it, and tell those kids they can't choose their parents but they can choose to make their own good decisions.

Good luck.

-The real Sam Bison

Then I attached this.

Generic Family Portrait found via Google.
Generic Family Portrait found via Google.

Chanel: I've worked more in my life 5hantou ever have -what important shit did you do make buddies with everyone on prison yard the 6 times you were there,,,, tell the real Sam Bison to go fuck himself i.will let jp kniw hw had somthing to do w the robbery of his daughter snd the 8 grand. ... I never betrayed my vows or you in 24 years... you should've stayed in prison your NOT A GOOD GUY YOUR NIT EVEN HUMAN YOUR A FLESH ROBOT FULL OF TOXIC SHIT & VENOM.. YOU WIL NEVER HAVE A RELATIONSHIP YOU DINT FUCKING RUIN JUST LIKE BLAIR RUINED YOU BOBBY AND POOR TED YOU JUST LEFT HIM THERR, BUT THSTS WHAT YIU DO BEST --LEAVE, LIE , AND CHEAT!!! DON'T EVER COME AROUND US GO TO SEATTLE GO TO HELL JUST GO AND NEVER EVER COME BACK YIU RUIN EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH

Chanel: I do FOR BELIEVING anything that came out of the VILE HOLE UNDER YOUR BIG ASS BEAK NOSE. ...yes he wants to change name why send pic of blue crashed to.his phone just to be a cruel bastard, like S YOU SAYING NIXON has always been a constant disappointment to you!! FIR that I hope you burn in hell

Sam: For real.

I don't know Sam. I had never met you but had received your emails a few months ago.

You're just really hurt by this guy aren't you?

I'm sorry about that. What I do know is that you need to clean your life up with him.

You need to find someone that really loves you.

Like I did with my wife and child as seen in this photo of us when I still had hair.

Then I attached this.

Mullet Family picture found via Google.
Mullet Family picture found via Google.

Sam: So are we good?

You can remove the sBison555@-----.com email address now from your address book.

Don't let those kids get hurt by this guy anymore. I'm sure they're great kids. They just got dealt a bad hand.

They can change that if they want. It'll be up to them.

As for you. Stay clean. Stay sober.

And when you look up at the stars at night you'll see all of the people that know you're story smiling down on you.

Good luck with your surgery.

Best of luck to you and yours.

Bison

Chanel: For you to talk shit about a little boy who already disabled -yiu really are an asshole I can see why she left-- your as fucked uo as Sam I'm not surprised you know each other , , you're a despicable person as well may God forgive you

Sam: Nope. Just responded in a silly way with saying he was a 'disappointment'.

Don't know anything else except what can be easily seen on the interwebs.

Sorry for the trials and tribulations you are having.

I am at peace with myself although I do regret joking about your son being a disappointment.

No child is ever a disappointment. Grown ups just say that sort of thing to be mean to other grown ups.

So long friend.

Go to church and don't wish ill upon people you don't know.

Sam Bison I miss her already: I do have to post this follow up found on another social networking site:

Chanel: BOTH OF YOU PURPLE SYRUP GUZZLING MUSHROOM EATING FREAKS NEED HELP - MAYBE THAT'S WHY YOU CRASHED <----Sorry Sam Bisson hahahahahahahahaha

Then she emailed me some more!

Chanel: I'm not the type of person to wish I'll will on anyone I don't know - I DON'T JUST POP OFF OR DISRESPECT SOMEONE TIL THEY COME AT ME CRAZY - you cannot be respectful you get respect you come at me fala like a bitch you're going to get fat from eating bitch ass attitude what you get is what you put out

Sam: You're right. I did come at you all crazy with that talk of Evel Knievel and Mars. That was just ludicrous. I need help. I need to stop writing all this crazy stuff. It's the purple sizzurp.

I just can't seem to kick the habit. It tastes so damn good!!!! Maybe we should just agree to disagree. I'll stop drinking the Tussin and you'll stop thinking every email address with BIS in it is your elusive Sam Bisson.

You're Catholic aren't you?

Chanel: He has his pictures or pucs of us on some but he claims them all he even uses mine , I'm telling you he's got problems pray you never meet him

Sam: We're all sorry that you got wrapped up with him. But love knows no boundaries.

Just say NO Chanel. Just say NO to LOVE of BISSON.

Unless he cleans up his act. You tell him.

"I'm not just some piece of trash for you to use. I'm a human being. I need to be shown some respect!"

Then you kick him in his goody parts. NO. Actually don't get physical with him. Never touch his sorry buttocks again.

He doesn't deserve to be handled by a human.

You tell him to get on all fours and go pee on a tree like the dog he is!

----

And that was it. She never wrote again.

(Soon to be an independent graphic novel.)

EDIT: She eventually did write me again thinking I was her husband, and more hilarity ensued. The graphic novel was never made however.

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