So it was the end of days (bummer!), and now all that is left is the scorching sun, barren landscape, incorrigible bandits and no WiFi. Welcome to our new post-apocalyptic hellscape where only the strong survive, and for some reason I am one of them.
That’s probably because I have this team of awesome and deadly experts by my side. In this new world forged by fire and scorched dry there is only one way to survive, and that is to kill. Well, that’s not really true. You also have to eat, and drink and possibly breed.
I’ve chosen a team that has not only pluck, skill and survival instinct; but a proven record of working well with others. They may be ruthless, but they will never let their teammates down and also will not go absolutely apeshit crazy and try to take over as the leader (I hope!).
Cause y’all know being the leader is my job.
THE TRUE SURVIVOR: LARA CROFT (TOMB RAIDER)
In her many incarnations, Lara Croft is a formidable force. From polygonal tiger-slayer to Angelina Jolie in a wetsuit, Lara’s always been a kickass chick. But in 2013, the new Tomb Raider reboot proved once and for all that Lara Croft is the ultimate survivor.
On the island of Yamatai Lara grew into someone who would do whatever it takes to save herself and her friends. She killed wolves with her bare hands, scaled mountains and proved that you can totally build a compound bow out of scrap metal found on an island protected by the vengeful spirit of a thousand-year-old storm-controlling queen.
So yeah, she’s also seen some shit.
Lara’s survivalism, courage and ability to keep her ponytail game on point will come in handy in our post-apocalyptic future. She’s also British, which means she knows the value of a nice cup of tea at the end of a long hard day killing bandits.
THE MUSCLE/MAN-CANDY: RAY GAINES (SAN ANDREAS)
The real star of San Andreas was Ray Gaines's bulging muscles (although did anyone else remember his name? Y’all that was THE ROCK). And like I guess he has other skills that will work nicely for trying to survive. He an unrepentant badass when it comes to saving people as an LAFD Air Rescue Pilot. Ray brings a very important skillset.
I mean who knows when we’ll have to jump a tsunami in a speed boat, you know?
But not only is Ray talented, he has another vital component to survival in a scorched and desolate earth: eye candy. Long hot days in the desert are going to be so much more bearable watching the sweat trickle down Ray’s bulging pecs and…
I mean, come on y’all.
THE TRIPLE THREAT: SUSAN COOPER (SPY)
Brains, brawn and a kick-ass sense of comedic timing. Susan Cooper will cut you with her wit, or a knife--whatever’s available.
Now I know what you’re thinking, what could this meek-mannered and innocent-looking woman bring to the desert hellscape that is our daily lives? Well, if you’ve seen Spy (2015) then you know exactly how much of a BAMF Susan Cooper is.
Unassuming at first, Susan is quickly revealed to be an unrepentant badass. From her tactical knowledge as a CIA Analyst to her mastery of disguise; Susan Cooper is an invaluable asset to my survival team. I mean she’s smart, funny and will always lighten the mood.
But she’s not all good times and easy smiles. When it comes down to it Susan Cooper, or her alias Amber Valentine can pull through when the going gets tough and slay some bitches harder than Beyoncé.
And if worse comes to worst, we can totally eat her first.
So what do you think? Will I be forging civilization anew from the ashes of our fallen cities, or getting eaten immediately by cannibals?