after reading a few people's published books who wrote of there own experiences with Misophonia, it has really inspired me to write my own experience because i know what they go through everyday and its hard to speak of write this for me without crying. sorry, i'm a wimp when it comes to being strong at times
First of all, what is Misophonia?
the best way of explaining it in Googles dictionary is
Misophonia, literally "hatred of sound", is a rarely diagnosed neuropsychiatric disorder in which negative emotions (anger, flight, hatred, disgust) are triggered by specific sounds. The sounds can be loud or soft.
you can learn more below where I've used to help explain it because i suck at spelling long words :p
Misophonia isn't the first cure I've had, i'm going to the beginning where my first sufferings have started...
I've had Misophonia for as long as i can remember. but i wasn't always like this, its weird but i also have Irritable Bowl Syndrome.
a widespread condition involving recurrent abdominal pain and diarrhea or constipation, often associated with stress, depression, anxiety, or previous intestinal infection.
imagine yourself having stomach aches every single day, waking up early to go to the bathroom and feel like a sword was going through your sides. not fun. that took up a big chunk of my life.
my worst memory of going through it was at Disney Land's Hotel at an inside restaurant on my Mom's birthday. as soon as we were brought to out table i immediately left to the restroom and never came back the whole entire time! everyone was worried so my dad took me upstairs to rest and stayed with me instead of celebrating mom's birthday which is, by the way, rare to have at Disneyland!!
because of the next story i have found one trigger that starts my pain, stress. if was after when my uncle died, during the funeral i literally spent all the time in the bathroom.
first comes the pain, so painful it feels like you wish you were dead instead, believe me I've thought about it want to give up. during the pain, you grow weak, pale, and you can barely hold yourself up so you pretty much collapse floor. believe me, at a convention mom almost was forced to call an ambulance!
i have seen more then 10 doctors in my life. each failed except one who gave me medicine, of course before that i had to go through the joy of having a colonoscopy, one of my dark days in life :p until he found a cyst inside of me. i don't fully understand what they are, all i know is if one of them were to pop, i would have to go to the hospital immediately.
anyway, after having the medicine to help get rid of it, i feel 99% better i guess, until i found out my sister now has the same syndrome :( ever since i found that out I've been doing all i can to take care of her because i know what its like. so after getting a 'cure' for my gut, i though things were in the clear form now on,
until i realized i started hearing more...
here i am, writing this in my room, trying to remember far back when the Misaphonia started. of course i am more like hiding because the noises outside my room kinda forced me to retreat.
i don't exactly remember that far back, it feels like it was all my life.
my dad likes to snack while watching TV so unfortunately, he doesn't realize how loud his lips are when he eats. if hearing wasn't bad enough, it also makes me bothered to certain movement as well. like when you fiddle with your fingers, or cross your legs and shake your foot up and down and such. or fingers tapping on the table, hearing your fingernails click on the table/texting/typing/etc. it sucks! as if hearing wasn't bad enough!
though its sad that out of everyone in the world, i was chosen to join Misophobia as well. *sigh*.
ever when you read this, no one will ever fully experience what we go through everyday, some of us even wish we were deaf and blind.
i will run you through my 'typical' day at home, figuring i'm not going anywhere but home.
having sisters, i am currently sharing a room until we rotate and one of use gets the spare room for 3 months. so every night i have to wear these headphones called Bose Quiet Comfort 15. other then having an awesome base for music and stuff, the point of getting them were to help block out sounds around me. in my perspective, its about 85% better, 4 and half stars.
anyway, unfortunately my sister snores and the other breaths very loudly, so i have to wear my headphones for 6 months until i get to move into the spare. yes i know it sounds stupid, but the loud breathing thing is one of my triggers, and i have had to get up in the middle of the night and move to the couch when i regained myself from hyperventilating and crying in the bathroom. but wearing the headphones isn't exactly comfortable because you cant sleep on your side or turn your head, so your stuck sleeping on your back all night :p
so when i get ready for school, it doesn't help that our chairs and floors squeak every time you move! so i am often annoyed and triggered by that, setting me in a bad mood in the morning.
breakfast is torture because my family usually has cereal, so clanging the spoon to the bowl every time you get food on sets off my trigger, so i eat breakfast alone most of the time.
thank goodness i am home schooled! (spoiler alert) because i don't have to deal with all the noise and movement in the class rooms full of kids and stuff. psych! with two sisters on either side of me at the table, it doesn't make a difference! compared with 3 people in a room and 30 people in a class room, you get triggered just as easily anywhere.
think of hearing nails on a chalk board every second in your ears, that's pretty much my experience. i hate when someone drops their pencil when they're done, or practically ripe the page when you turn it, or even writing! Led on paper and your skin sliding on the page as you write drives me insane! i often do school work in my room alone and take down and practically kill the clock hanging on the wall.
break time/snack time isn't great either. we usually have chips and the crunching in general almost makes me want to punch a wall. not to mention when someone walks on the kitchen floor, dragging there fet on the floor so it makes an agonizingly horrible scratching noise.
whenever i am triggered i mostly feel like my ears are bleeding, or being tortured and cant go anywhere, let alone do anything about it. however, the joy of being home schooled is that you can get up and take a break the majority of the time.
anyway, i usually go into my room alone and hyperventilate, on top of that, cry uncontrollably. even the most strongest person can end up crying and fall into rage just because of Misophonia. unfortunately like this guy
i just wanted to give him a hug because that's what we go through people! every stink'in day! sorry, didn't mean to yell, i get excited when stating
so at lunch i have headphones on because i know my family's eating is just going to drive me crazy, so i try to plan ahead and be prepared. like it would matter, anyway, my headphones kinda make me feel safe and secure, like i'm in a dark quiet cave by myself where its peaceful and noiseless! anyway, with those on we usually watch TV on our lunch break so it usually distracts me from noise.
however, someone usually has their legs crossed and shaking there foot, so i immediately have to turn away before the trigger starts to get worse. i do my best to politely tell them to stop but they seem to forget and do it again ever 30 seconds! some times they get so annoyed by me reminding them, they have to do it one more time to bug me, which sets off my anger. and sometimes, like in class or a public place, they do it and pretend not to hear me! ugh
unfortunately i have to sit close up to the TV with everyone behind me so i don't have to see the motion triggers.
Misophonia isn't just annoying sounds, turns out its motions to. as if it couldn't get worse! anyway, i usually get triggered by hand motions, foot tapping, finger pointing, etc and i get so angry i just want to scream to make them stop! of course, sometimes when i'm really emotional by this 'issue' i sometimes wish i was blind, deaf or dead, but i always say to myself,
sometimes death seems like the simplest answer, but its a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
of course that quote has a point, but sadly Misophonia isn't temporary, mom says i'll have it all my life, and that is what makes me cry.
i was watching YouTube and my favorite YouTubers made a video about Misophonia. (WARNING: THOSE WHO HAVE MISOPHONIA PLUG YOUR EARS WHEN I COMES TO TRAIL MIX)
so because of that video, they are totally wrong! Misophonia isn't just about chewing, its far much more then that! its like almost every sound on earth! even with the experiment they did, they will never fully understand what we go through
o after the school day dragged on as i was alone in my room, finally it ended and i was free for the day, minus chores and what not. unfortunately, i still remain a prisoner to Misophonia.
even NOW as i'm on my computer, i have my headphones on with music playing on a different tab to block out my sister not to far away on her own computer because i can hear her clicking and typing all the way from over here! typing on computer keys drives my insane! i would say its one of my top 3 triggers.
sometimes i even sit in the hallway alone.
when i'm not on the computer, i like to take walks cause it relaxes me, gets me away from all the sounds in my own house. i don't get triggered as much out there compared to being around a human being making their gruesome noises.
Dinner is probably the worst. dad gets home from work and usually sits down in his chair and reclines. but i can never be in the same room with him because he shakes his feet all the time. also, he likes to snack so he's chomping and smacking his lips, along with going on his computer where he's like banging on the keys.
all of those immediately without warning throw me off and everything seems to leave my mind to a fight or flight situation. when i'm talking to someone and i get triggered, its like i forget what i was talking about and stutter before leaving the scene.
most of the time i choose flight and immediately run to my room hyperventilating with uncontrollable tears running down my face.
when dinner comes i seriously want to just eat along, especially when its Thanksgiving when the whole family comes over and i'm trapped in my seat without even my headphones to help.
one time i said can i eat in the other room and dad just told me to get your headphones and you'll be fine. let me make one thing clear, my headphones don't block out ever single noise! i can still hear everything with them on :( so i just sat there crying physically and mentally as it was utterly torture!
i do my best not to cry in front of my family, but having Misophonia makes it almost impossible.
some times when i'm working at the table, school or other, and my dad is in the other room doing paper work, he likes to whisper to himself, says it helps him think. anyway, from the other room, all i hear is his 'S'. i feel like i'm listening to a snake (no offence dad) and it drives me insane! i got yelled at when i tried to ask him if he could do it quieter or stop for that matter. its hard to ask people to stop when they don't fully understand what they're putting you through.
that was my typical day, however, going out in public is another story (next update).
i don't know if anyone has noticed, but one of the sounds i absolutely cants stand, is when people talk, they open theirs mouths and it makes a weird sound like spit or something, i don't know exactly how to explain it but that it PAINFUL!
Q. have you ever went a day without being triggered?
A. no, if i did i want to go back in time and stay there :( i cant remember what it was life to have 1 normal peaceful cry-less, trigger-less, painless, day
one would think the library is the quietest place on earth, seriously, its not. with everyone around you turning pages rather loudly, licking their fingers to turn pages, tapping their finger/foot as they read, it gets to the point where i have to drop my books and calm down in the bathroom or wait outside to go home with nothing.
on Sunday i go to church, but even there i cant get a moment peace. no offense but there are a lot of older people there and they're all pretty much chomping on gum with their mouths open!! thank goodness their are speakers because i usually have to listen to most of it in the bathroom or go to the balcony, but if there are people there as well, i gotta sit out in the hall *sigh*
unfortunately my friends said it was actually cool to hear a lot, kinda like super powers. i laughed but its not not that simply. every 'superpower' comes with a weakness, one i have to live with everywhere i go for the rest of my life.
someone compared me to Marvel's Daredevil which is actually kinda cool but even he had to go through all of this stuff in a way (having to sleep with his ears in water and stuff) but it looks like he's coming along fine then most people with Misophonia.
i know God does things for a purpose, but what good will come out of this? i suffer and cry everyday and never see a bright side. mom said someday i could help others that have the same thing i have, but i cant even help myself even now. blush but i actually do want to help others with Misophonia because i actually know what they go through everyday.
i'm tired of crying, leaving, getting angry. i am not a mean person, its just that the noise/movement drives me crazy. its like i turn into Hulk whenever triggered or something.
even when i was called Dog Ears and people said it was all in my head, Misophonia is truly real, unfortunately.
i have joined support groups on Facebook and read personal stories here on Quotev so i want you guys with this burden that your not alone in this. i always thought i was the only one with this, but sadly others go through all this everyday as well. never the less, we must never give up and stay strong no matter what because some day, i know something good will come out of this.
DON'T GIVE UP!