BySafe Hans, writer at
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Safe Hans

Briseida Farrah , a 23 year old Gender-Studies graduate and PETA volunteer living in Northern California had just returned home from perusing organic produce at her local farmers market when she accidentally stumbled upon a re-run episode of CW's new hit series "The Flash" which featured the titular characters primate arch-nemesis Gorilla Grodd. Briseida who upon viewing this fictional televised spectacle was visibly shaken , proceeded to send an email to her organization post-haste , the contents of which lambasted the unethical treatment of the fictional beast as well as untrue stereotypes perpetuated by the show about great apes that the gorilla community has been trying to overcome for decades . Briseida then took to her twitter page to offer an insight into her reasoning for such a strong reproach towards the series:

"Like totally DC should totally be ashamed of themselves for all the like bad stuff their doing like with the Gorilla on the tv i'm like so totally offended and if I don't like it then like nobody should get to enjoy it."

PETA did not take this news sitting down and within the hour had contacted both DC and CW calling for an immediate cease and desist of the show with the threat of a massive lawsuit if their demands were not met . CW and DC executives tried to explain to PETA representatives that the gorilla that appears on the show is completely computer generated and that no real gorillas were harmed in the production of the series but this news did not seem to deter PETA from its course with a spokesperson offering the following statement :

"We at PETA campaign for the right of ethical treatment for all animals may they be live action or animated . We seek justice for Grodd , he will be set free back into his natural habitat or DC and CW we will sue your asses off! "

DC and CW formed a united front , refusing to give into what many perceive as the echo-terrorists hands , offering a joint response to PETA's claims :

"F*** off PETA"

PETA went trough with there threat and filed a staggering 1 billion dollar lawsuit against the two companies and also suggested they may take up similar cases for various other animal or animal themed super heroes or villains such as Killer-Croc , The Lizard , Rhino and even as far as Spider-Man and the Penguin , the latter having no animal anatomy or powers whatsoever.

PETA's president pending the massive lawsuit
PETA's president pending the massive lawsuit

DC and CW are expected to fight this lawsuit tooth and nail , even going as far to bring in lawyer Matt Murdock from rival company Marvel to head their legal council . PETA were not finished yet as a more extreme splinter of the group broke into the studio set where The Flash is filmed in order to break out Gorilla Grodd . Initially confused at the lack of any physical gorillas in sight , the rabble rousers soon gathered their bearings and escaped into the night with millions of dollars worth of computers on which the fictitious ape was brought to life.

When this reporter tried to gain a grasp of the absurdity of the entire situation by travelling to PETA headquarters in Norfolk I had a bucket of blood dumped on me for wearing leather slip on's , upon informing my attackers that they were faux leather they preceded to trow another bucket of blood on me for apparently being too cheap to buy real leather.

This reporter after invoking PETA's wrath
This reporter after invoking PETA's wrath

No one is sure if any sanity can be derived from this fiasco but one thing is for sure , PETA are a**holes to actual human beings .

This has been a Hans Honest News Report , stay tuned for more unreal news.


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