ByDan White, writer at

Film 3 in the “Random Movie Roulette” is 2001’s “Mike Bassett: England Manager”. Mike Bassett (play by Ricky Tomlinson (better known as Jim Royle in “The Royle Family”)) has just become manager of England after the previous manager suffered a heart attack. Bassett has just won the Mr Clutch Cup with Norwich City. To me, this film feels a lot like looking into the life of someone who is an expert at Football Manager and decides to become a real manager only to end up managing England. Not saying that’s a bad thing. This was a really fun film to watch. Some very funny moment. Even looking at the players and going “he’s clearly impersonating so-and-so”. For example, Kevin Tonkinson (played by Dean Lennox Kelly) is a parody of Paul Gascoigne. Rufus Smalls is Emile Heskey (Heskey currently plays for Bolton Wanderers), Gary Wackett is a parody of Stuart Pearce. Hell, in the film, Wackett admits he’s “Psycho” (Psycho would be Pearce’s nickname). Steve Harper is clearly a parody of David Beckham and Alex Massey, i think, is a parody of Gary Neville. Also, this film predicts the future. Well… kind of. It predicted that England would do badly in Brazil (in real life, England were bottom of their group with one point out of nine) and it made fun of bad connection problems on Skype. Overall, this is a real fun film to watch. I would definitely recommend it to anyone who is a football fan or anyone who wants something to laugh at. If you have seen this film then let me know what you thought of it in the comments. Here is what I had to say while watching 2001’s “Mike Bassett: England Manager”


Film – Mike Bassett: England Manager

Year – 2001

Director – Steve Barron

Staring – Ricky Tomlinson, Amanda Redman, Bradley Walsh

IMDb Rating – 6.8/10

My Rating – 7.5/10

Length – 85 min (1h 25min)

Genre – Comedy, Sport

We start with a quote by Kevin Keegan

NEWFLASH – Norwich City have won the Mr Clutch Cup

End the bloody match!!

Time for the parade with Tina Turner karaoke

You idiot!!! You’ve gone the wrong bloody way!

In the FA Office, it’s time for a meeting to decide a new manager

We’re gonna have to find an British manager

How about Sir Alex Ferguson? – Na! He’s Scottish

Brian Clough? – Na! He’s a bit of a big mouth

David O’Leary? – Not interested

Let’s give it to lower league manager Mike Bassett

Who opens their curtains in the nude?

We meet Karine, Mike’s wife who tells us how she met him

He really let himself go when he joined Darlington

He then became manager at Colchester United

First Class in GNER

Mike says he answer everyone’s questions about him

Luck is all you need in life

Former assistant manager at Coventry City now a ticket conductor – Not the life Tony wanted

Mr Kipling’s poem follows Mike

Hello Margaret

“Football touches many peoples lifes”

Mike’s first game is a World Cup Qualifer against Poland

All Mike wants is for his dad to see him

Mike’s dad played 20 years with Preston North End

Time to officially unveal Mike as England manager at a press conference

Mike says he can win the World Cup

Stop being negative “Mr Media”

Mike needs to appoint an assistant manager and a coach

The new coach is Dave Dodds

Assisstant manager used to sell 2nd hand cars

Buy my car and I’ll take the job

Mike decides to visit Kevin Tonkinson in Sunderland

Sack of crap car has broken down

It’s clear Kevin Tonkinson is a spoof of Paul Gasgoine

Time for training

Wait… All of you were born between Jan-June?

And they were all born in the second half of the month

Gary Wackett seems to be Stuart Pearce

Rufus Smalls is Emile Heskey

Shout out to Question of Sport

Deano & Danny is defence

Steve Harper is David Beckham

Who keeps ice-cream in their cars?

Alan Massey is clearly Gary Neville

Time for another press conference with the players

England will play 4-4-2 against Poland

Time for the match

Get off that bloody phone

Final words before the game – “Keep your cool”

Thanks for explaining what 4-4-2 is

And we’re off

GOAL!!!!! England 1-0 Poland – Kevin Tonkinson with the 1-2 with Smalls

Damn! Poland scored from a penalty with 15 minutes to go

Fuck! Poland win 2-1

Post match conference time

The media critisize Mike for everything

Let’s be thankful that no one got injured

Someone with a chipmunk voice says no one wants to be commentating for Channel 5

Lets look at the match and looks at key notes

What’s this? Bloody wife taped over match with Ground Force

Time for more training while we interview Dave

Somewhere in Staffordshire and it’s time for sports performance training… with science

Don’t buy fancy cars! Buy a Hyundai

“To be the ball, you must become the ball”

FEAR testing wth Wackett

Skills with Danny & Deano

Who wants to play like Mark Lawrenson?

None of these look safe

That’s almost everyone injured

Smalls is unsettled?!?

Rule #1 – Don’t write a team sheet on a packet of cigs

28 players is just right for a team

Belguim vs England

Wackett’s playing with a broken jaw

Belguim 3-0 England

Back with the chipmunks who say the England team are playing with confidence

Back with Karine who talks about handling pressures of being Mike’s wife

Manchester United’s playing? – Fuck that!

Mike’s having a nightmare – He thinks Bobby Moore is chasing him

Tonkinson’s been arrested for drink driving

Mike’s just dropped Tonkinson!

Pressure? What pressure?

Time for Mike to change formation

Wait! Tonkinson is back in the squad


England vs Slovenia – D-Day

England must win or Turkey qualify

No! Wackett’s been red carded for attacking a player

10 minutes left and it’s still 0-0

England have a penalty

Smalls to take the penalty and he sails it over the bar

It’s all over! 0-0 and Mike gets heckled off the pitch

Wait! England are in the World Cup! Turkey have lost 2-0

Let’s celebrate with a piss-up in the hot tub

NO! Don’t shit in the hot tub Tonkinson

Time to record the World Cup song with Atomic Kitten who are one girl down

We’ll just add this to the list of bad England songs

Welcome to Brazil

England meet with Scotland in the airport

Here come Ireland – Or England B team

Shit! We’ve got a 3-way fight

Pele? What are you doing here?

Pele can’t see England getting out of their group – This film already predicted out ourcome in Brazil 2014

England have Egypt, Mexico and Argentina in their group

What’s an Opel?

It’s time for the World Cup

This film also predicted Skype’s bad connection problem

Egypt? Soft?

It’s England vs Egypt in Match 1 of 3 in their group

This games quite boring to watch

Even the goalkeeper’s bored

The announcer’s so bored he’s playing cards

Fans heckle the team as they head back on the coach

Fans give Mike some tactics and Mike tells them all to fuck off

England fans are riotting about England’s performance

What’s Wackett doing in the riots?

“You’re shit! And you know you are!”

Mike calls his wife about Jason

Turns out Jason had his eyebrows shaved off because of the result

Back home and Karine and Jason are leaving London to stay somewhere else

3-1-2-1-2 for Mexico

Where are the footballs?

Why is our assistant manager shopping when we should be training?

Dave tries stealing a ball from some kids

So.. They’re training and playing a game… without a ball

It’s half time at England vs Mexico

England are losing 2-0

And Mike is giving his team the riot act

“England lose 4-0″ – So much for that

The Media asks Mike about the game

Mike asks The Media if England can beat Argentina

Everyone says no

Mike then calls everyone a wanker

CCTV footage shows Tonkinson kicking a hooker out of his room

And Tonkinson’s been dropped.. Again!

Time for an meeting with the players

Don’t talk about Mexico!

Mike says his assistant manager is a waste of space

And that’s the assistant manager sacked and Mike has a broken nose

Mike and Tonkinson chat at the bar

That night, Mike strips while drunk dancing on the bar

Shit! It’s Pele!

“Oh Christ! It’s the English”

The FA Chairman arrives to carm Mike down

Well… This has taken a turn for the worst

Ronaldo? What are you doing here

Ronaldo has no idea who Mike Bassett is

Time to face The Media

Mike starts the conference by saying that he’s staying as England manager

Just blame the anti-depressants

Tommo says no one wants Mike as manager

Oh! And Karine’s divorced Mike

Mike then quotes Mr Kipling’s “If-”

“England will be playing 4-4-fucking-2″

Scotland are out of the World Cup

And England need to beat Argentina to advance

“Two Tribes” by Frankie Goes to Hollywood! TUNE!!!!


Tommo says if England win, he’ll become a bin man

Mike makes Massey the new captain

England are taking the game to Argentina

Wait! Tonkinson’s back

5 minutes left and Tonkinson’s on as a sub

And it’s still 0-0

Tonkinson has scored!!! England have won!!

Hold up! The Hand of God! On Argentina!

Tonkinson celebrates by running around nude

And Tommo is now a bin man

Next up – Romania in The Last 16

And England win 3-0

And England beat France 2-0 in the Quarter Finals

But England lose to potential winners Brazil in the Semis

On the plane home and Mike thinks he’s failed

He even considers handing the manager job to Dave

Mike and the England team return to a hero’s welcome by fans, Karine and Jason

Wait! Don’t they need to play a 3rd place game?



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