The darkness it climbs through my veins, eating away at the person I once was, it won’t let me run, or sleep. It just sits in the deepest place of my mind and heart waiting to strike, at any one moment I could let it consume me, let it eat me alive; but will I let it go that far? Sometimes you just have to push through the hard days and deal with what comes your way. What I have done is what has started destroying my mentality, my concentration & my passion, who I was is just a reflection in a mirror, a light desperately trying to break free of society’s harsh judgment.
My biggest fear is one day someone will look me in the eyes and say “You are a disgrace, a monster, not worthy of this life. Just a waste of human air”. The scariest part is not knowing when to release your pain because in the end the world is going to judge you whether it is from your deepest secrets or from the obvious flaws only you share. Will I allow this pain and fear to control me? What an obvious answer; you think, of course she will say no, the truth is it already is controlling my life, my emotions and my strength.
The tingles of an empty but yet malicious pain in my chest. The loss, the grief, the overwhelming feeling of nothing fills the air, putting on a brave face simply to please the people surrounding me, the people that “Care”. The darkness that only I can see following me, lingering in the places I once loved and the people I once needed.
Imagine you just lost a parent to a curable disease, think intensely and try to put yourself in my emotions for a second. What do you feel? Grief? Regret? Anger? Sadness? Maybe even you can feel the darkness just for a moment & now with all of that pain still in your mind think about the person you love the most. Do you think of the person you just imagined had passed away? That is what I have dealt with for a while now.
People assume I am not sick, because they can’t see the sickness lingering in an empty pocket of my mind, like scars forming a map of all the ways you are hurting. I can’t trust my own emotions. Which emotional reactions are justified, if any? And which ones are tainted by the unbearable darkness? I got lost; guarding and limiting my emotions from myself and the people around. Losing grip on that motivation to live, to love and to cherish. People who have known me years ago would barely recognize me now. I have become withdrawn from the social norm of society. I am no longer the life of the party. After all, how could I know if my ridiculous humour was spontaneous or just a borderline desire to be the centre of attention? I can no longer trust any of my heart felt beliefs and opinions on politics, religion, or life. I find myself looking at every single side of an issue unable to come to any conclusions for fear they might be tainted. My lifelong ability to be assertive is turning into a constant state of drowning and screaming to be saved.
Highly sensitive people, like me, are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the person who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a 'hot mess' or having 'too many issues' are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world
There is nothing worse than regret. The regret of being helpless, the regret of knowing you could have done more to help. But even worse than the regret is the silence. The lonely, empty silence that becomes harder to deal with every day. Did you know over the past five years, the average number of suicide deaths per year is 2,415? That is in Australia alone. This is just a guess but for a majority of those people the darkness and silence became an unbearable abyss of sadness, hate, loss and heartbreak.
Maybe suicide is an option, but for me it isn’t.