Rich Johnson (Cam Gigandet)…
Haha!! Get it?! Hehe! Hoho! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, Rich – who’s name couldn’t be any more obvious even if it was Giant Throbbing Cock – is a loathsome sex addict who’s ruined every relationship he’s ever been in through infidelity. After ruining what could’ve been a meaningful relationship with Jamie (Jamie Chung), he wishes his penis would leave him alone. When he wakes up the next day to discover that his penis has detached from his body and taken on human form (Nick Thune).
I learned six important lessons from this movie…
- Women will let the damage you did on her new car slide if you let them blow ya.
- You can jerk-off hard enough to dislocate your shoulder.
- Even without any genitalia, guys can still masturbate… Don’t ask.
- Penises are much more irritating in person.
- Even middle-class fitness instructors from second-rate gyms are able to get approved for insanely high credit limits… This is why our economy is in the shitter.
- When backed into a corner, penises will just attempt to throw your girlfriend off a building… Looks like unplanned pregnancies aren’t the only fuck ups they can cause.
Bad Johnson is one feature-length dick joke. One very long, unfunny dick joke. If the poster, movie title and title character’s name aren’t enough evidence of that fact, the fifty million juvenile jokes that begin from the very first shot to the end credits will be. Imagine if back during your middle school years, you and your friends got the luxury of a 90 minute recess, and for the entire 90 minutes you stood around the playground playing nothing but the “Penis Game” (for those of you who don’t know this game, it’s where someone starts out by saying “penis” very quietly and each subsequent person has to gradually yell it louder and louder or else you lose). That is what this film is.
Two major differences: These are adults and not kids, and unfortunately, no one here feels like losing any time soon.
The plot – yes, writer Jeff Tetreault managed to put one together – is a “high” concept surrounded by nothing but one-note dick punchlines. By high, I do mean the pissing in a cup for your probation officer high. Come the middle act, we get the cliche “change of heart” moment for our protagonist (I’m using that word extremely liberally right now), but Rich starts out at unforgivably repugnant and only gets worse from there, so it’s hard to buy into his third-act repentant stage, and Cam Gigandet’s performance does very little to convince us.
Granted, my dick’s never detached from my body and taken the form of a human that’s as obnoxiously grating as Freddy’s claws on a chalkboard (multiply Rich’s repugnance by 1,000 and you have Rich’s Penis), so I can’t say I relate.
Of course, I’m not against raunchy comedies. Handled right, they can be hysterically funny. The Farrelly brothers were the kings of raunchy comedies during the ’90s and early ’00s. Within the past decade we’ve had The Hangover, This Is the End, and Ted. And of course, we can go back all the way back to the ’70s with the classic Animal House. There’s a difference between funny raunchy and dumb 10-year-old kid thinks the word penis is funny raunchy.
Take a guess at which one this is.
You know, this all sounds a little too familiar. Hmm… A man finds himself down on his luck after too many mistakes and makes an ill-advised wish that will in turn come true in order to teach him a life-valuable lesson? Hasn’t that been done before?
CLARENCE: “Yeah, so you still think sleeping around would help make everyone feel happier, huh?”
GEORGE BAILEY: “Aww, well I don’t know… Eh – I guess you’re right. Shuppose I’d been better if I wash born with no dick at all.”
CLARENCE: “What did you say?”
GEORGE BAILEY: “I said I wish I-I’d never had a dick!”
CLARENCE: “Ooooh, you mustn’t say things like that. It’s not everyday a stammering fool like you lands a fine lass like Donna Reed. You – hmm… Wait a minute… Wait a minute. That’s an idea… What do you think? Yeah, that’ll do it… Alright, you got your wish. Your dick never existed.”
(Wind blows the door open)
CLARENCE: “You don’t have to make that much a fuss about it!”
GEORGE BAILEY: “Well, n-n-n-now-now-now-now jusht wait a shecond here. You mean to tell me that… that my pecker ish gone?”
CLARENCE: “Poof… gone.”
GEORGE BAILEY: “Now, w-w-wait a minute. Y-you gotta shtraighten me out here. I mushta gotten shome bad liquor or shomething!”
(George frantically begins to scramble around in his pockets)
CLARENCE: “Looking for Zuzu’s petals? Wake up. This is basic birds and the bees shit, George. You’ve been given a great gift: A chance to think with your head for once… uh – well, the one above the basement that is.”
Later on that night…
GEORGE BAILEY: “Clarence, what are we doing here? Uh – uh – whose grave ish this?”
CLARENCE: “Your brother, Harry Bailey.”
GEORGE BAILEY: “Wait a minute, now, Clarence! I-I saved him that day he fell in the ice when we were kids!”
CLARENCE: “That you did… but years later your lack of a utilitarian appendage would get the best of you. Harry swooped in from under you with his rock hard steed and stole your sweet gal, giving her the lay of a lifetime she dreamed of getting. The phallic pummeling you could never offer her. Unfortunately, he contracted the syphilis you were supposed to get.”
GEORGE BAILEY: “B-but why didn’t he get treated for it?! Wash it the money? I knew I should’ve never trusted Uncle Billy with that $8,000!”
CLARENCE: “No, the navy paid for his treatments… Unfortunately, he died while recovering on that transport, along with every one of the other soldiers he was supposed to save that day.”
GEORGE BAILEY: “No, this ish too much. It’s all too strange.”
CLARENCE: “You’ll see a lot of strange things from now on… Like the fact that your dick’s detached from you and taken the form of a crotchety old, crippled banker.”
GEORGE BAILEY: “Clarence… Where’s Mary? If all this ish real and I wash never born, w-w-what became of Mary?”
CLARENCE: “Well… I don’t… I can’t…”
GEORGE BAILEY: “N-now-now you look here! I don’t know how you know these things, but if you know where my wife ish, y-you-you’ll tell me.”
CLARENCE: “You’re not going to like it, George.”
GEORGE BAILEY: “Where ish she? What happened to her?!”
CLARENCE: “She’s a whore, George. The same kinda lecherous mongrel you were.”
GEORGE BAILEY: “Nah, n-n-n-no! That can’t be!! Without me, it was always becoming an old maid that worried her.”
CLARENCE: “But she is an old maid, George. Just one that gets the tag-teamed hot beef injection from Cary Grant and Spencer Tracy. She doesn’t mind a good shagging from Sam Wainright too.”
GEORGE BAILEY: “Oh God! This can’t be! This isn’t real!”
CLARENCE: “You think that’s bad, the worst is the 12 Angry Men themed bukkake party Henry Fonda threw for her… You see, George, you’ve really had a wonderful dick. Don’t you see what a mistake it’d be to throw it away?”
GEORGE BAILEY: “Clarence! Clarence! Help me, Clarence! Get me back! Get me back, I don’t care what happens to me! Get me back to my wife and kids! Help me Clarence, please! Please! I want my dick back. I need my dick back. Please, God, give me my dick back!!!!”
BERT: “Hey, George! George! You all right? Hey, what’s the matter?”
GEORGE BAILEY: “N-now-now-now get outta here, Bert, or I’ll hit you again! Get outta here!!”
BERT: “What the sam hill you yellin’ for, George? Hey, is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
GEORGE BAILEY: “Why you shon of a… What the… I’m rock hard… Hey… Well, I’ll be… Zuzu’s petals!!!! There they are! Bert, what do you know about that!!!! MERRY CHRISTMASH!!!!”
(Running through Bedford Falls)
GEORGE BAILEY: “MERRY CHRISTMASH, MOVIE HOUSE!! MERRY CHRISTMASH, EMPORIUM!!!! MERRY CHRISTMASH, ANGELS GENTLEMEN’S CLUB!!!!!! MERRY CHRISTMASH, PUSSYCAT LOUNGE!!!!!!!! MERRY CHRISTMASH, YOU WONDERFUL OLD BUILDINGS AND LOAN!!!!!!”
Later on that night…
MARY BAILEY: “Come on, George! Come on! Now you just stand right over there by the tree, and don’t move! Let them come in! George, it’s a miracle!”
GEORGE BAILEY: “It’s not Henry Fonda ish it?”
MARY BAILEY: “Who?”
GEORGE BAILEY: “Mary, are all these people here to donate ush money?”
UNCLE BILLY: “No, you crazy son of a bitch! This is an intervention. You’ve slept around on this sweet woman one too many times! Well, your philandering ways have come out to play for the last time!”
(George looks down at the table)
GEORGE BAILEY: “W-w-why, ish this divorce papers?”
ERNIE BISHOP: “Just a minute! Quiet everybody! Quiet, quiet. Now get this, it’s from London! ‘Mr. Gower cabled you need cash, stop. My office instructed to advance you up to twenty-five thousand dollars, stop. I’d recommend buying a good divorce attorney with it, George, you’re gonna need it, stop. Hee Haw, Mary was fantastic last night and Merry Christmas! Sam Wainwright.'”
“Hark the herald angels sing, glory to the new born King…”
(Mary picks up a book and opens it up)
MARY BAILEY: “Who’s Clarence?”
GEORGE BAILEY: “Oh… just an old friend.”
MARY BAILEY: “Oh… you sleeping with him too?”
ZUZU BAILEY: “Look, daddy, every time an erection pops an angel gets his wings.”
GEORGE BAILEY: “That’s right… That’s right… Attaboy, Clarence.”
I know… I’m a very bad man… I have a disease.
Absolutely void of any form of substance (save the mind-altering kind) and humor, Bad Johnson is what we get when a group of Zero-IQ, drunk frat boys somehow accidentally make a movie during a dick shaming hazing ritual for their pledges. On the “How Funny Is This?” meter, it’s, quite fittingly, somewhere around testicular cancer and getting hit in the ball with a sledgehammer. I suppose in some parallel universe light years upon light years away from our insignificant selves, this could’ve been a decent satire on its subject provided it was in capable hands.
And I suppose magic unicorns exist and a herd of pigs will fly out my ass too.